Relationship Supporter Questions: New Relationship And I Want To Make It Work.

[Reallywantittowork]

I'm in love with the most amazing woman inside and out. She suffers from PTSD from previous physical and sexual abuse. I'm in this relationship 100% and she has expressed the same. (we talk about marriage, how in love we are, etc.)

My questions are conserning my issues and what I should expect... I am a very romantic, cuddly, kissy, lovey guy. I have done my research and I try not to show that it hurts me when she doesn't respond to my love. I just need validation in my feelings I guess, and to know what to expect.

Is it normal for her to completely ignore when I say "I love you" sometimes? Or to completely ignore when I tell her how much she means to me? Is it normal to feel like sometimes all she wants me around for is to hold her at night? Is it normal to feel invisible at times?

I could sit here and list 1000 things I love about this girl. But its 50/50 with her. Half the time I feel like she doesn't want/need me there, the other half I feel truely loved like I have never felt before. I feel like I'm constantly wondering which one is the real one. Like I said I'm a helpless romantic so these things probably get to me easier than others.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

I think it's great that you're reaching out for advice here. I'm going to speak based on my own personal experiences as someone who has PTSD. I don't mean to imply that my experiences are universal of everyone who has PTSD, but maybe it will give you some insight.

I am a sexual abuse survivor myself. I find myself being able to express emotions one minute, and later seeming very shut off. When someone tells me how much I mean to them or really anything showing they care, sometimes it's hard to take it in and show any sort of response. I know I must seem cold but it's not that I'm rejecting the person in any way. Sometimes things take awhile to truly sink in. I abhor the "me too!" response so I rarely give one as it seems disingenuous to me. It's hard for me to even acknowledge these positive things said toward me. But, I do take it all in.

I know it's difficult to not feel rejected in the moment. Would it help to try and remember the bigger picture? That she does indeed care for you and these non responsive moments are just part of her ongoing struggle?

Your own needs are very important in all of this too. Have you tried expressing your own personal struggles to her? She may not be aware of what she's doing. She may not be aware of how much it affects you. I think that open, honest communication is essential.

 

[Reallywantittowork]

We have both been very open with everything. She didn't hide her PTSD and I explained to her how I feel. It kills me that people hurt her in such a way that I can only see glimpses of who she is and how we could be together. I wouldn't give up those moments for anything.

I appreciate you sharing your own experiences. I know I shouldn't take it personally but every once in a while I need to hear it too. I know she loves me it's just hard when you look her in the eyes and tell her how beautiful and perfect she is and... Nothing. Or go for a kiss and get a cheek. Its not all the time but it still is like daggers in my heart everytime.

 

[LloydBraun]

I'm going through pretty much the same right now. I love showering my girl with love and attention, but she says it puts pressure on her. I'd like to think.my genuine nature shines through all her stuff, but mental illness is no joke. I'm doing my best learning as much as I can. I can relate with you big time. I believe if you show how much you are willing to learn & just be there, that a relationship like this can work and be a gift that keeps on giving.

 

[queen]

Is it normal for her to completely ignore when I say "I love you" sometimes? Or to completely ignore when I tell her how much she means to me? Is it normal to feel like sometimes all she wants me around for is to hold her at night? Is it normal to feel invisible at times?

In my experience with my sufferer, Yes, Yes, Yes, and HELL YES. He does not tolerate verbal expressions of emotion, does not tolerate (very well, but is getting better) physical displays of affection, and does not tolerate compliments or praise. Tolerate, meaning, he will either ignore me completely, pretend like he didn't hear it or it didn't happen, or actually get irritated at me. There are even times (not often, but sometimes) when he says something nice and I say thank you or tell him how much I appreciate the compliment, and he'll ignore that too, and I can tell he's quietly dying inside. Night is a different story. Night is when the monsters come out, he's in a much more vulnerable place then, and has totally different needs then (holding, cuddling, etc).

 

[Goon]

I'm in love with the most amazing woman inside and out. She suffers from PTSD from previous p...

Hey,

You sound like an amazing guy because you're sticking around even when you don't feel appreciated. I'm in the same situation.
My advice to you is to really follow your heart, don't ever feel weak or feel like you are trapped and can't find a solution. At the end of the day it is your happiness and your well being that should matter more if you want to be capable enough to look after your significant other.

I know the feeling of being neglected. You tell them you love them and there's no response, you tell them you miss them and there's absolutely no response. Once in a while (or in a blue moon) they come around and tell you they need you and miss you or love you, and it makes you feel great! Well the real question is : are you okay with that? Are you happy? Do you think you can handle the 50% of the time when you feel unwanted and neglected? If the answer is yes and you think you can put your emotions aside, very well. If it is no- that is absolutely fine!

I have come to a point where I am there for my boyfriend and am always ready to listen to anything he has to say or anything that worrie him, but at the same time I have a life outside of him and am taking care of my well being completely. Just give your girl some space and don't push her to say / do things because the honest truth is- things will never be the same. It's like a dent in your relationship and you have to decide whether you are okay with the dent or not.
Hope this helps in some way.
Love and light to you

Goon

 

[0verwatcher]

Hi there reallywantittowork!

It seems to me you and I are both in similar situations, I got a with a girl recently I have been into for YEARS and been close friends with for even longer. Since having met her, she had a horrible boyfriend that left her with PTSD and she is sometimes like a totally different person.

The BEST piece of advice I have been given here and Im sure you have heard is, "Dont take it personally". She's not "not reciprocating" because she doesnt want to necessarily, sometimes it's just very difficult for her. I was as confused as you before i came here and people very kindly advised me and informed me about certain things, it CAN be very difficult, but always remind yourself, she's not mad at you and she hasnt fallen out of love with you, she's just processing or dealing with things personally.

I spoke to my girl about it when i would hug her or kiss her and she wouldnt respond in kind, I told her that I was confused and she cleared things up by explaining things to me. I told her it was all cool and I wasnt having a go at her about it in any way, i just wasnt too sure what was happening. Whilst you do need to give her space if she needs it, you do have every right to ask her things for your own peace of mind, I think if it's properly doing your nut in then asking for some clarity on the situation is fine as long as its not like, every time she doesnt respond to your affection in kind. Just as the way she doesnt respond is part of her process of dealing with things, your "process" of dealing with things is occasionally needing to sorta "make sure" about stuff.

It gets easier with time as well, Im a few months into this relationship and im finding it easier and easier to not take all of this personally, also you have this AWESOME community to offer advice whenever you need it!

Good luck to you <3