General Supporter rant

[IDGAF]

Alright, ya'll.

So one of the symptoms of PTSD for some sufferers (though not all, I know) is explosive anger and rage, often times misplaced on those closest to them. Case study after case study has unveiled alarming statistics about how combat vets with PTSD in particular are reported to be disproportionately more aggressive towards their spouse or partner, whether verbally or emotionally, and in some instances, even physically. There is also an 80% divorce rate among combat vets. All in all, NOT great odds.

That said, I'm confused. On the one hand, supporters learn from the VA and forums like these about how we should be understanding of this as a symptom and learn how to best support (but careful not to enable!) sufferers. Yet on the other, we're told NOT to accept any behavior we wouldn't accept from a person without PTSD. I find these two approaches to be diametrically opposed. Even a single instance of abuse of any kind is still exactly that: abuse. You've already tolerated mistreatment. And even if you do set a boundary afterwards, you've still set the precedent that on some level you will tolerate it, even just by staying. It's a slippery slope, one that insidiously erodes the very foundation that relationships are supposed to built on: MUTUAL love, respect, and trust.

Yet as the supporter, the impetus falls squarely on us to put even our most basic relationship needs aside to tend to the sufferer, all the while dying a slow death inside. As such, my conclusion is this: A relationship can only be as healthy as the unhealthiest partner. If someone can't even bring basic respect to the table on a consistent basis, then maybe just maybe, they shouldn't be in a relationship rather than drag another unsuspecting person through the same misery. Cause really, it ain't fair, at all.

Signed,
A burnt out supporter

 

[Freida]

Sufferer here...

Yet as the supporter, the impetus falls squarely on us to put even our most basic relationship needs aside to tend to the sufferer, all the while dying a slow death inside.

No no no no!!!!!!!! PTSD does not give us the right to treat those around us like our personal pinatas. Its OUR responsibility to learn to cope with our symptoms so that we can be better people to those around us. I was just talking today to a battle buddy who was losing it from anger and was super proud of himself for leaving the house and going outside to pound nails until he calmed down. That has been a tough lesson for him to learn - but he learned it because he is with someone who simply won't take his shit. She gave him a choice -- get medicated and therapy or get out. He got medicated/therapy.

A relationship can only be as healthy as the unhealthiest partner. If someone can't even bring basic respect to the table on a consistent basis, then maybe just maybe, they shouldn't be in a relationship rather than drag another unsuspecting person through the same misery. Cause really, it ain't fair, at all.

yes! this!!
If the relationship is important to the sufferer they will find a way to do the work to keep it. If they aren't doing the work I don't think it's fair to supporters either.
You shouldn't have to suffer just to be in a relationship - PTSD or not PTSD.
Is it helpful to understand ptsd and the symptoms and how to communicate with us? Yep
But being abused because he's being an ass? nope.
You deserve better.

 

[LuckiLee]

My combat veteran's go to is/was rage and anger. I never enabled it. Before I knew what was happening I would argue right back and that never helped anything. After his meltdowns we would always discuss what it was that was bothering him. He is open with me about alot of things. Even his feelings.

My guy is working very hard to learn all he can about himself and the disorder. If he wasn't I'd be long gone. And he knows it. That's MY boundary. Therapy!! Untreated PTSD is a no go for me. He doesn't get to treat me like crap because he's in a bad mood or it's an anniversary reaction...

You're right that a relationship is only as healthy as the unhealthy partner. So if the sufferer isn't doing "the work" nothing will change. The divorce rate is astronomical with combat veterans. My guy went through two divorces himself. He was untreated. And it was ugly!!

I'm sorry it's so difficult for you. Is your veteran in therapy? Help is out there but the hard part is for them to admit they need it. It takes an iincredibly strong person to reach out for help. But if they're in avoidance mode? There's nothing you as a supporter can do.

Good luck and I hope you both het the help you need. Do you have a support system of your own?

✌& ?

 

[Friday]

I find these two approaches to be diametrically opposed. Even a single instance of abuse of any kind is still exactly that: abuse

...
The first time you date someone who has a volatile temper but who doesn’t direct it at you, or anyone else, unjustly? That not only doesn’t cross over the line into abuse, but may even be something you find enervating or fun to watch, as they blow off steam? It will click/make sense. They’re not opposing statements at all, unless you’re trying to excuse bad behavior &/or abuse. Then it can seem like crazy making.

Being understanding that someone has a short fuse, is one thing.
Being a doormat, designated asshole, or a punching bag, is something else.

Similarly? Having a short fuse doesn’t make someone incapable of discipline, discretion, or direction. A person might not be able to choose how hot and fast their temper is, but they CAN choose to learn to deal with it. Or not. But it’s still on them, whatever they choose. It ain’t up to the people around them to do it for them. And anyone who tries to convince the people around them it IS their responsibility to tread lightly and not set them off, instead of their own job to mind their own bearing, is a f*cking pansy.

Being with someone who is in that transition stage? Who is learning to deal with a newly hot temper? Can be pretty brutal. It takes a WHILE to master one’s self, again. Mistakes will be made. But others can’t be blamed. The moment someone goes all spineless spoiled brat blaming others for their own actions? IMO, game over. <<< That’s a big part of what the VA is trying to help with. Spouses with newly hot tempers, learning to control it, can’t be treated like princesses. They f*ck up? They need to know it, and own it, and get themselves back in line. Most marriages don’t survive this process. For a lot of different reasons. The ones that do? Come through it healthy and strong, instead of toxic or broken? Accept that tempers run hot, but that doesn’t excuse bullshit behaviour.

Yet as the supporter, the impetus falls squarely on us to put even our most basic relationship needs aside to tend to the sufferer, all the while dying a slow death inside.

I couldn’t disagree more strongly.

In an emergency, sure. Cancer, giving birth, grief. One partner tables their needs and wants to support the other partner through a time of crisis. But PTSD isn’t an emergency. It’s how life is, now. The occasional crisis is one thing. And PTSD, like any chronic health condition, will occasionally have them. An ongoing state of affairs, day in and day out meanwhile, is an entirely different thing. Putting everything you need and want aside to tend to someone else, isn’t a relationship. It’s a job. With 3 shifts worked back to back, with no sick time, or holidays, time off to pursue your own passions, appreciation, or pay? A very bad job. :meh: Even parents have a better gig than that!

: A relationship can only be as healthy as the unhealthiest partner. If

Or, conversely, I couldn’t agree with you more strongly, here.