General Supporters & Sufferers Of Combat Ptsd - May We Connect?

[HollyB]

We've broken up almost daily this week, and then he pretends as if nothing happened...

Gah! This has been my last 7 days as well! He'll end the romantic part of our relationship, and literally 36 hours later, is acting like that didn't happen.

I'm terribly sorry that this thread that was supposed to be a positive way for supporters to connect has turned into me giving up. I've failed...I need to admit that and get over this, so that I can heal and start over. PTSD hurts far beyond the sufferer. :cry:

YOU didn't "fail." :hug:

 

[ClearAsMud]

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a similar experience as me this week HollyB. We've actually had some pretty good days mixed in with the bad, but the constant up and down is very tiring.

YOU didn't "fail." :hug:

Thanks for that!

 

[HollyB]

I wonder if they even know they're putting us on a rollercoaster? As in, do they wake up the next day and know what they said and did (as in, breaking up) and just trying to backpeddle and pretend like it didn't happen, or are they sincerely clueless/forgetful?

 

[discarded]

Clearasmud, if you failed then so have I and probably countless others. The odds are against us from the beginning and we can only take so much. I am still struggling with having left my husband nearly 4 months ago now. We have kids too, only one under 18 though, and she is with me because he doesn't have it in him to see her right now. I think we all know when we have reached our limit and we need to get out before it destroys us too. The decision to end the relationship is much harder than trying to help our sufferers and it isn't made lightly. You are a brave woman and I am proud of you.

 

[PeekieBlue]

To all the ladies who have written these previous notes, please don't take this the wrong way but my god, you don't know what a relief it is to know that it is 'normal' so to speak for our combat PTSD men to regularly break up then act as if nothing ever happened! I said to my partner if three years (he's had PTSD since I met him, I realised as I am training to be a mental health nurse) that if the therapy he has just embarked on dies not work then I don't see a future for us. It will break my heart to have him out of my life but at the end of the day the pressure if anger outbursts etc is effecting me and I respect myself too much to be dragged down by another person. Saying that, he had thrown himself into therapy with combat stress and I am guilt supporting him. I just wish all these guys would at least give therapy a try as without it there's seems no hope. All I can say to any partner of a sufferer is dont ever put the other persons health before you're own. It's easy to do but so wrong. Look after yourself x

 

[Jezebel]

Yep. I just sat here reading through this thread while nodding. Some days I'm too mentally exhausted to speak. Especially if he's having a bad run where every and any innocuous conversation is a confrontation.

 

[ClearAsMud]

Once again broken up...over a stupid fight. But really, I don't think it is just a silly fight, but symptomatic of our ongoing problems. I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride. Sick of being called a bitch, a liar, etc. He says I'm mean when I'm angry...damn right I can be mean. For the most part I am the most laid back, tolerant person, but I just can't sit back and take this crap. This is killing me on the inside. I'm so tired of it :inpain:

 

[discarded]

Sounds like it is time to give it a break. You deserve a better life than this. Like you, I am not an angry person, my anger was only directed at my husband, mainly out of frustration and a lack of understanding about his illness. I had turned into a person I didn't like when I was around him. I didn't want to be that person anymore, I had to get out before PTSD claimed both of us. We still have a dependent daughter who needed to at least have one parent she could trust to be there for her. You need to do the same for you, he isn't capable right now of considering you, he probably doesn't even care about himself right now.

 

[Sailorgal]

It is a lifetime battle and unfortunately, the ones we love become the injured. It happens on both ends. It's just a tad bit easier for the PTSDer because it's not always "us" so the pain we inflict isn't really realized. Many times for me, the aftermath was like I just spilled milk or even broke the glass and my boyfriend is saying it was like an A bomb!

Taking care of yourself is the biggest thing. I wish I understood what was going on with me months ago because I would've handled things differently.

CAM, I don't know what state your hubby is but with soo much that's happened, it's hard to keep going and starting over. Maybe he needs serious face time with himself. It's just being better. It's coping with the past, present and future and how he is ABLE to handle things as well as your needs. Tough job.

Discarded, being a woman it was easier to share my feelings including how frustrated I was as the one suffering. However, my Supporter, being a man, couldn't comprehend the difficulty so like yourself, he grew patient and frustrated. He broke up with me just as I started to make headway because he saw himself become a monster. Space is important, but you need healing too.

It is hard accepting that I hurt the man I love soooo much because of evil people in my past. I never meant to hurt him. But it isn't ok to put him through it.

I hope first and foremost you both will find strength and healing. Secondly, not to be resentful towards your sufferer. PTSD is the "snowball maker." Time to melt the snow. :)

Hope you both find peace in the midst of it all. And true, he probably doesn't love himself - and that is the first thing that needs to be addressed.

 

[discarded]

Thanks Sailorgal. It helps a lot to get a sufferer's perspective. I am starting to find peace again and I think he is happier too being on his own. I just lost sight of me and began to believe that his situation was far more important than mine. I tend to do that in all my relationships, put everyone else first, it is just who I am.

 

[Sailorgal]

Discarded,

You have a heart of gold-don't lose it! It always takes two. Had my boyfriend not loved me and cared for me, I wouldn't be here. He opened my eyes to what love was...I am forever grateful.

Combat PTSD is soo different. Personally, I believe it's because of the nature of what it is. It's a choice they make whether civilian or military to take on something potentially fatal. Whereas other traumas, typically it's a helpless victim (usually a child), but in war it's a decision made as an adult.

I see so much emphasis on therapy for PTSD but it's the actual trauma that needs to be distressed which is often not. I was fortunate that a many opened up to me about how the war affected them to give me a better perspective about their behavior. Also, who knows what those toxic chemicals do to the body....I've heard soo many crazy stories I really feel for those of you supporters to it because the men can get soo brutally hurtful.

I always follow one rule-honesty. Honest with myself. If a man or woman can't be honest with the self, it will be a losing battle.

 

[ClearAsMud]

If anyone is wondering, our situation has gotten horribly worse, and I have posted an update in my supporter diary Clear as Mud. Thanks for all your comments, I just don't have it in me right now to respond to you...but thank you.