Relationship Supporting From A Distance

[carey023]

I recently posted another thread in the General Supporter forum describing my friendship with a veteran whom I suspect is suffering from PTSD (or at least a severe amount of combat-related stress). Over the course of the last two months he's refused to speak to me, and all his behaviors echo PTSD symptoms. I became increasingly concerned and had no choice but to email him explaining my concerns with concrete examples so it would be very difficult for him to continue to be in denial. I know confrontation is usually the wrong way to go, but I didn't know what other option I had since he has gone no contact.

I'm happy to step out of his life if that's what it takes for him to get help. The difficult part is that we run in the same circles. We're also both far away from our families, living overseas, so the relationships you do have become much more important. I went to a Thanksgiving celebration that was held at our school tonight. Unbeknownst to me, he was running the event. He refused to check me and my guest in, and gave the sign in sheet to someone else rather than speak to us. He then spent the next two hours standing in the corner alone, downing drink after drink, while staring at me across the room. My guest did not know him or our history, but it was so noticeable he asked me if I knew the guy in the corner. He noticed both the staring and the large amounts of alcohol he was consuming. He commented several times on the drinking. The veteran eventually started to socialize with a few others after he had drank enough but I left at this point. Judging by the way he was staring it seems like he has something he'd like to say to me, but he continues to push me away.

Do any of you have to deal with running into a sufferer that has cut off contact with you? How do you cope with it? I don't necessarily miss his company, but find it difficult to watch him deal with all these issues yet be unable to offer support because he won't take it.

 

[discarded]

I know exactly how you feel. After 28 years together I recently left my husband as he had shut me out completely. I thought leaving him would be the catalyst for him to get help. I was wrong. All I have done is enable him to be on his own in his own little world without the added stress of me seeing it all happen. On the few occasions I have seen him he acts like I am just some random person, that we have no real connection. 28 years and 4 children together seem to be completely wiped. It hurts so much to see him this way, to not wamt amything to do with me or the kids. He doesn't want my support, he just wants to be left to live his life in peace. He doesn't want the added pressure of seing us daily and feeling like he has let us down, but I just feel like I have let him down. I am struggling to cope with all of this too and I jus hope in time I will adjust. I still have so much ahead to sort out, like property settlement and arrangements for our last dependent child, so I can't avoid seeing him either. Let me know if you ever work out how to cope.

 

[carey023]

Thanks for the reply. I guess I'm just concerned because when someone you care about is clearly struggling, you feel terrible for just leaving them to deal with it on their own. Even if we were speaking, I wouldn't expect him share things with me. There are some things I will never understand. But I wish that he would at least address my concerns, either by telling me that I'm out of line and have no idea what I'm talking about and he's fine, or by telling me he's getting help. Like I said, we're both far away from our support networks. Most of his friends here are superficial relationships that he can very easily hide things from. I'm afraid that if I give up on him no one else will notice if he suddenly goes into a downward spiral. He is part of a club at school for former Military members. I've thought about approaching some of his friends from there, explaining my worries, and asking them to just be on the lookout in case anything seems off with him. They would probably know what to look for. But I'm afraid that might be betraying him.

 

[discarded]

Every situation is different and reactions will be different. You will be dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. My husband saw every attempt I made as a betrayal but I could not have lived with myself if I had not tried. Like you, I feel like I should do my best otherwise how will we live with ourselves if things don't end well and we stood by and did nothing. I have told people I thought would help, who I thought would care, truth is they didn't, they abandoned him as he pushed them away. To my knowledge he has no one now and that is the way he wants it. I don't see it as having a life but has he has pointed out to me, it isn't the way he pictured his life turning out but he has accepted what he has become and those who can't deal with it aren't going to be a part of it. I know that is the phase he is in and it is the PTSD but I can't do it anymore.

Each of us is entitled to have our own views and be respected for them. You have only the best intentions for him and he might see it as a betrayal or unwanted support but if that is not how you see it then do what you think is best for you to live your life with out regret.

 

[carey023]

I regret how I've handled this whole situation. One of the issues my sufferer has is with premature ejaculation. I know it's something is caused by stress and can manifest during PTSD. I wanted to be able to share my concerns in an environment where he felt safe, where he could trust me, but it became increasingly clear that we weren't ever getting back to this point. He's about to leave the country, so I felt I had to do everything I could. I was afraid he would move to another city and no one would notice. I didn't trust other people to notice. Then he would continue to spiral downward.

So I wrote him an email, as I said above. I listed all the things I thought were examples: anger, irritability, relationship troubles, etc. And I knew that he would easily explain these away by saying that I'm just being an oversensitive woman. I knew that he could not ignore a physical example. I debated over saying it, I cried, I deleted it a hundred times, but ultimately I decided to include it. I tried to do it gently, saying that it was clearly due to stress, not other factors, that it was hard for me say and that it wasn't even a thought during our relationship, but I don't think you can say anything like that gently. It hurt me to do because I knew it would hurt him and it was never an issue during our relationship. I think he probably just felt attacked rather than listening to what I had to say. But at the time I thought even if he hated me it would be worth it if down the road it was the one piece of information that stuck with him.

I saw him last night for the first time in 2 months. He was so angry with me he wouldn't even speak to me or stand still. He brought up the PTSD and said that I didn't know what I was talking about because he was an intelligence officer and wasn't on the front lines. He told me that he didn't want a person like me as a friend, and that all the time we've spent together in the past was just him giving me a chance to prove him wrong even though he never really liked me. I put my hand on his arm to stop him from walking away from me and he raised his arm to hit me before he was able to stop himself.

All my friends think that while his treatment of me is wrong, of course he would say he doesn't want to be my friend because I insulted his masculinity. No one seems to understand that I did that as a last resort, not to be vindictive or hurtful. I think I just needed to get all this off my chest, but any responses are appreciated.

 

[celia]

Carey023,
Dont beat yourself up over this. In a healthy relationship, these are things that are important to discuss and open communication is necessary in any relationship.

As long as PTSD is being denied and not managed, that is the battle within him that has to be confronted and dealt with. There is no way he can deal with giving you what you need right now. PTSD can be so mean and selfish and say things that are from pain, not from real feelings. Please know that your man is in there with a heart , under layers of pain that he's not even aware of or is aware and just doesn't want to deal with it.

I'm sorry you are going through this, there's no resolution until he finds himself and manages this.

Have faith and hope that there will be a time where he has a moment of clarity that he needs to get well and that he is important to himself. That way he will be able to realize how important you are to him. It can take a while.

I've been where you are with no contact and I'm no longer in the relationship. He's out there somewhere but I've let go. I am dealing with my own recovery from this relationship that I loved more than anything at one time.

Thank God for this forum because it helps me in my healing process right now.

Take Care

 

[discarded]

Carey023, I did a similar thing. I have been married for over 27 years and for my husband sex was the way he showed his love for me and if we went for a patch with out it he would feel like I didn't love him anymore. I noticed that overtime he was having trouble sustaining an erection and as his wife of so long felt i could broach the subject. I knew it was a likely result of his PTSD, the stresses and a side effect of his medication. From that day he has not touched me again. It was the biggest blow to his ego. He isolated himself from me completely, moved out of the bedroom, refused to discuss anything with me. This led to many arguments, well onesided outbursts from me out of sheer frustration. I knew that if the problem was not fixed there was no hope for me or our marriage. Anyway, I left after months of unbearable treatment by him.

I don't know if bringing up the sex thing was the wrong thing to do, afterall I was his wife and I understood. It certainly didn't have a good outcome but as you say, we all clutch at straws hoping that something will spur them on to get help. Unfortunately men in general aren't keen to come forward and admit they have issues, especially of a sexual nature. You had the best intentions, as did I.

 

[carey023]

Ladies, thank you so much for your support. I feel a lot better that there are some people who understand my state of mind. We're actually not together. We dated casually for a few months a year ago, but he's one of those guys who goes from woman to woman and bails as soon as expectations arise, or there's the potential for emotion or conflict. It stresses him out. He's shared this about some of his relationships after me. I think I thought that although it would upset him, it wouldn't be as bad coming from me because we're not together. My opinion shouldn't really matter.

Unfortunately, I think all this conflict started because he may have had feelings for me. It sounds delusional now because of how bad things currently are, and he's always been hard to read. When we decided to end the romantic relationship I think he was relieved I didn't yell at him. I just told him that we are supposed to be friends first and foremost, and I was disappointed he didn't have the respect to just tell me he wanted to end the romantic part of relationship so that we could still have the friendship. I think he saw me differently than other girls after that. He trusted me more. He would still be flakey but was always very sincere and supported me in his own way, sending me jobs he thought I was suitable for, helping me move, telling me I deserved better friends and to stand up for myself more. I know these sound like small things, but coming from a home where there wasn't much love, these things meant a lot to me. Every time he saw me speaking to another man he'd walk over, make his presence known and then leave, like he was marking his territory. Men always asked me how I knew him. He would warn me against dating people he thought weren't good enough for me.

The last time I saw him in the spring he said that I was always thoughtful and kind to him. We didn't talk while he was away this summer. I emailed him to tell him I lost my job, and was put off when he didn't reply. The next time I saw him was at my birthday party in Sept. He RSVPed immediately which is rare for him. When I asked him to meet me early for drinks to catch up he said "Definitely" and suggested a time and location. Another rarity from him. He showed up dressed well. I didn't think much of it, but my friends later pointed out that he looked like he was dressed for a date and that he was trying to impress me. Things were going well until I offered a suggestion to improve an event he runs. He yelled, said no one appreciates his hard work, and that he receives 20 emails a week with complaints. Things were tense after that. I've always had residual feelings for him, but have kept them to myself because I didn't think he felt the same. So at dinner I openly spoke about men I was interested in, other people teased me about recent dates. I had a good male friend there who very thoughtfully bought me a gift and it was obvious I was very touched. He seemed uncomfortable when I mentioned speaking to his friend Dylan a few days before. He wanted to leave immediately after dinner, as did everyone else so I was a little hurt. He started being rude and I couldn't hold back anymore. I asked him what happened to him over the summer. Why didn't he support me when I lost my job? He said this was too uncomfortable for him and ran into a cab and left me in the middle of the street.

The next day I invited his friend Dylan to dinner. We discovered we live across from each other and he recommended a restaurant in the area. Not knowing anyone in my neighborhood and wanting to make friends I invited him to dinner. I never heard a response from him. I didn't hear anything from the veteran either after my party. The only time I was able to get his attention was when I told him I was confused. That I never have this type of drama with platonic male friends, and he seemed to be treating this as a lover's fight. He wrote back that there wouldn't be any drama, but then continued not to speak to me. He wouldn't return my belongings. He wouldn't even leave them somewhere so I could collect them. I told him several times that if he was no longer interested in having a relationship with me to drop my things off and I would take that as his answer. When I saw him last night, after 2 months of not speaking, the first thing he said to me was "I don't have your belongings. I thought Dylan was going to give them to you since he lives across the street". He said it in a very snotty tone. It was obvious he knew about the dinner invitation. He then went on to say all that stuff about not wanting someone like me to be his friend. That the only reason he went to my birthday was because he was making a last ditch effort to be my friend but it was obvious things were awkward so it wasn't worth trying anymore. That he sees his friends at school everyday so based on pure time spent together I'm not even an acquaintance so have no reason to be hurt by him. I'm not a student, I was judging our relationship on real world standards, where you don't spend 24/7 with your friends.

He obviously crossed the line and I have no interest in having any type of relationship with him. But do you think he was putting himself out there in his own way and this whole chain of events started because he felt rejected? I think if that were the case I would feel better. At least his reactions would make a tiny bit of sense. It hurts to think he meant the things he said and that our whole friendship was a lie.

 

[kabeh394]

Great stuff, I can relate to all of it!

 

[FaithJL]

I could totally relate to your situation. In the end, it's still their decision whether to stay or not in any type of relationship. All we could do is pray and support them from a distance.