Surprising Neg Reaction To Family This Wknd....

[cupfish]

Hi, I saw my former in-laws (my parents for 20 years) for the first time since 2009 at my kids' hs graduation. They were pretty cold. Add my ex's new wife, and the reception was chilly. We were scheduled to all go to dinner over the weekend but I couldn't. As soon as I got ONE WHIFF of disapproval I politely exited and the next day I politely declined the dinner invitation. The parental/family rejection trigger manifested immediately, I had no warning, and now -- again -- I have essentially rejected more family because I felt their disapproval. I don't do well with phonies, maybe from a childhood of covering up what was really going on, but for someone to be my family I expect them to be kind and compassionate.

I know these family members -- to whom I am bound through my children -- don't care for me much, and can be very rude, so some of my reaction is justified. Some of my pain did come from the trigger they hit, and it was bad. I wish I understood how to identify PTSD reactions (which lead me down one path, essentially re-playing my c-ptsd family past over and over), versus normal and reasonable hurt from my chilly reception.

thx thx thx -- you always understand. :)

 

[WillyKat]

I think all of us sufferers have very sensitive BDS (Bullshit Detection Systems). It's something that comes from hyper vigilance and it helps keep us safe. But then as you say, we react and sometimes that takes us into triggers, flashbacks, and so on.

I've had some success (some, not a lot) with trying to replace the unconscious hypervigilance with what deliberate, conscious vigilance. What I mean is that I'm trying to always be ready, consciously ready for things that I know trigger me. Then when they occur, I let my cool system react instead of the hot system (fears and triggers). So instead of dissociating or being triggered, I *try* to just calmly keep distance, let all the BS flow beneath me, like I'm surfing over it.

Sounds great, but getting it to work consistently is another thing. It's a long-term, ongoing project. To get it started, you need to keep mental notes and perhaps even real notes about the things that trigger you. Not as easy as it sounds. Then, every time you're about to interact with people, tell yourself to get ready, start surfing before the waves come.

I hope that helps. This crap ain't easy.

 

[cupfish]

WillyKat I love the idea of going from hot to cool -- your cool system. The level of mindfulness required to anticipate and "surf" over the bullcrap is incredibly daunting, and basically our only option. I have chosen not to medicate (tried various options, too numbing and unnatural), so mindfulness is particularly important as I don't have many tools to work with....talking/therapy, exercise, minimize trigger exposures, but it's still basically the Wild West between my ears!

 

[WillyKat]

Yah, I quit meds almost four years ago. I prefer lots of walks around the open land near my house. Lots of wildlife. (Not today though; supposed to be 100 F or more.)

So therapy, long walks, and small attainable goals.

 

[cupfish]

You sound like me. Use nature and particularly relationships with the animal kingdom -- birdfeeders, household pets, seek and observe wildlife -- to heal. Walk and exercise and blow the psychic garbage out of the pores. Good food and good sleep....I do use that good old natural herbal smoke as needed, it helps and has zero lasting impact. The meds made me less mindful, because you are numb to consequences, and nothing was a particularly big deal. When a tree that I failed to maintain properly dropped a limb on a friend's brand new car, I didn't really think that was a problem. I had it pointed out to me that perhaps the meds were overwhelming common sense behaviors -- like getting the dead tree removed. Or recognizing your family is full of, well, jerks.