Survived ACOA Retreat Confrontation

[Gloria]

Okay, I know I'm getting better. There was a person who was at the last two ACOA functions for our group who acted very inappropriately. One example is that he took a squirt gun and squirted a woman in the crotch and made fun of her and humiliated her that she wet her pants. This is my beloved friend. I respect her so much. This woman was raped, bound and stabbed and left on railroad tracks to die. Not only did she survive by holding her breath so her perp would think she was dead but she later went on to court and her perp is spending the rest of his lift in jail.

So when he said inappropriate things to me and others, the facilitators of the meeting got at least five people calling them and writing them anonymous letters saying that they wouldn't come back if this man was there. I called the facilitators and told them that it was wrong for people who had PTSD not to have a safe place to go. These retreats mean so much to so many people. They said they would talk to the man.

On Friday, my friend (who had been humiliated) called me and I went early to keep her spirits up because she had written a letter and planned to read it to this man. Well, I assumed that the facilitators had said SOMETHING to this jerk. He was acting like an ass on Friday night but we managed to just laugh it off. I live only a mile from the retreat and I have horses and dogs to take care of so I went home. I didn't get back to the retreat until 10:15. My friend was in tears and said she was leaving because they hadn't even talked to him and he was still humiliating her.

Well............Here is my part. Little Gloria became a roaring lion!!! I grabbed my girlfriend's hand and walked right up in front of the group to the faciliatators and told that my friend and I were leaving and cancelling payment on our checks. I told them that they had the responsibility to make this a safe place. When one of the facilatators said that he intended to talk to him sometime later. I YELLED "You had weeks to talk to him. This is totally unacceptable!'.

They took my friend in a room with that jerk and I could hear him swearing and heard things slamming. I was so upset. My friend had begged me to wait for her to come out and not to leave before she came out. I started shaking so hard. I have epilepsy and I was so afraid that I was going to have a seizure. I talked about it in my group. We held hands and prayed. Then a very, very kind man asked if he could sit with me and and hold me. He said "Pretend like I'm your father or brother". Well, I never feel comfortable letting anyone hold me but I let him hold me and I stopped shaking. Then we started talking about anxiety attacks and I told him about how much this site has helped me. Then we had a laugh because both my brother and my father molested me so saying that I should pretend he was my father or brother really wasn't the most comforting thing I could hear. I did. I managed to laugh. I saw the perpetrator leave with his suitcase and he was angry.

I talked to my friend and heard all about how angry he was during the discussion. Then I went home. I had to go home because I was so triggered. I was so exhausted. I can't stand confrontation. I was so embaressed by my behavior. I went home, got in bed in the fetal position and I didn't get out of bed for days. But then I remembered that I got attacked by the police and wrongfully beat up two years ago and I didn't get out of bed for weeks. I thought if I don't go back to the retreat right away, it would just be harder going back the next time. So I did. I got hugs. I calmed down.

Of course the next morning, PTSD anxiety took over again but I got through the day. I almost couldn't get out of bed this morning but my social worker came at 10:30 today and he is such a blessing and I talked it out. I am up and about and not in bed. To me, this is the miracle of this site. It's a place I can go to talk about this stuff because no one else understands how you get so triggered and all of a sudden you have full blown anxiety attacks. I can't handle conflict. I am terrified of this man because he is really big and bald and he looks like Mr. Clean. I think he's scarey. But he left and I am still standing - maybe with tears in my eyes, maybe still shaking a bit, but I am still standing.

 

[Iam]

Yes you are still standing and you WENT BACK!!!! Gloria, that is so awesome. You stood up to that jerk and the facillitators, making them take action. WOW.....I am really impressed. I absolutely freeze when there is conflict. That would have triggered me so badly. You did fantastic. I hope it is something you can hold onto in the future. You were and are very brave ;o)

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Gloria,

I just have to say, Bravo!:clap:

I'm amazed-- you used really good coping the whole way through-- I am so impressed and so inspired-- Great Work!:clap::clap::clap:

Cheers,
~Nishkaa

 

[externalsmile]

Well done! You did great! Keep it up!

 

[suzie q]

You go girl!!

The hardest thing for me to do these days is to set my healthy boundary system. I have a right to feel safe in any environment I am in, whether it be a retreat or just plain life. When someone triggers me or makes inappropriate gestures, I tell them that their behavior is unacceptable and to stop immediately. I don't have to explain why, that's my business. As healthy adults, we are responsible for letting others know when they cross lines. By not confronting the behavior right away, I am allowing others to hurt me with memories that will always come back on me like anxiety, panic, shame, etc... I take my power back and let them know that they have no power over me. My therapist told me that by doing these verbal exercises, I will protect myself from having an "ab-reaction" to inappropriate behaviors.

I see you doing all these things for you and your friend. Don't allow the confrontation to keep you anxious, you did the right things and should feel empowered!! We don't have to allow ass*oles to cause us to feel uncomfortable just because they think they are being funny. We have the right to be safe and sometimes, we have to fight for that right. I think you did a wonderful job for you and your friend, you lion you!! LOL!

 

[anthony]

Good stuff Gloria... really positive end. Yep, I agree... the guy was being a total dick. Extremely stupid behaviour, regardless of the group itself, inappropriate in general.

 

[Gloria]

Thanks for all the support. It's finally sunk in that I wasn't the only one who was inappropriate. The facilatators of the retreat were not keeping it a safe environment. I think we really need to thank Anthony who protects us and has set up barriers to protect against unhealthy behavior. I know that some people don't understand why there are certain rules on this site but without rules and structure, we could easily have a very unsafe and unhealthy environment on this site. Thanks Anthony!

It turned out that they let the guy back on Sunday when I wasn't at the retreat (Thank God!) and my friend flipped out and left but we both talked about it with our therapists. After being on this site and really working on my PTSD symptoms of anxiety and nightmares, I was really doing well for longer periods of time. All I can say is it's progress not perfection and if I continue to work at this, I am very hopeful that my symptoms will affect me less and less.

I am experiencing anxiety attacks the last few days but not as severe as usual. Last night, I had a nightmare that I was at the perpetrator's house and was trying to get out and had to appease him by telling him he was right in order to leave (and live because in my dream he was going to kill me). It took me four hours to trying to get my heart rate down and to get out of bed this morning. But it is an improvement as I was in bed for weeks after an assault a couple years ago. Now I feel that I am getting stronger. It's just knowing that other people know how I feel that really, really helps me. When I read about other's success stories, I feel more confidant. I've come a long way in my nine months on this site and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.

On a very good note, I found other retreats to attend and my friend and I are planning on attending a women-only retreat where we get to get wear pajamas and eat junk food all weekend long. We laugh about it now. We have learned that we don't have any control over what other people do to us but we do have control on how we react to it. We are proud of ourselves!

 

[Iam]

That is all so good to hear Gloria! What an encouragement for you, your friend and the rest of us as well! Keep up the good work!

 

[anni]

I only just was able to focus on this thread and read it, Gloria. I rather suspected I'd hate the stuffing out of the story, that it might contain a large, angry man ( yours was bald on top of it so yes-all the ingredients required to send me to bed for the day if I allow the whole visualization thing to transpire, which of course I would! ) and a a lot of people, too. Some thread headins one hovers over and then thinks-um-maybe not today, must gear up for that a little.

I found myself cheering for you taking your control like that, and flatly refusing to acknowledge that that schmuck could possibly belong there. I used to love the Brits terms for things when I lived there. 'Tosser' was one, but the rest I just though perhaps actually are swear words maybe and can't use in the forum. They all describe this guy, anyway!

I hope you have a more-than-lovely time at the future weekends. I'd come and feed the horses while you're gone, if I were closer!

All the best,

Anni

 

[Gloria]

Update. Before I close this thread, I just have to write that both my friend and I have had bad experiences with people who heard about what happened or were attending the retreat. I have to say that half the people that were there were very supportive. But a large number of people have criticized my friend and I as being trouble makers and having too many "issues". I was shut down at an ACOA meeting afterwards and told that people at the retreats aren't therapists or psychologists and should not be expected to have to deal with our "issues".

I say B.S.!! ACOA/ACA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics/Adult Children Anonymous. Yes, this is an organization that supports people who grew up with an Alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional parent. I have heard speaker discuss physical abuse but were not sexually abused and it was okay.

Well, they were lucky ones. Sexual abuse or trauma is very common among parents who have drug, alcohol or mental illness. They feel it's okay to discuss their stuff but not when it comes to sexual trauma it isn't appropriate? Doesn't that just add to the shame factor that we already have to deal with? Someone can talk about how their parent beat them and it's okay. But if they sexually abused them, it's not okay to talk about at the meetings?

Many people came up to me afterwards and told me that they had sexual trauma and were shut down at the meetings also. I'm glad this happened because it opened my eyes. More than twenty years ago, my brother committed suicide and after this happened, I volunteered to speak about suicide at schools and churches. Suicide is another of those "things" that are shameful and never spoken of. I can't tell you how many people came up to me after I spoke and told me of a suicide in their family that was hidden and never spoken about. Many times in the past, it was a family secret and no one ever knew that the reason someone died was suicide. People would lie to cover it up because it was so shameful.

I agree that sexual abuse and suicide may not be appropriate to discuss in many situations (esoecially in front of children of course) but I believe that in recovery groups, it is absolutely essential that people can speak about it and come to terms with it. If we can't do that, then we are perpetuating this shame that is associated with suicide and sexual abuse and all of the "unmentionables". Why should I be ashamed for something that happened to me as helpless child? Why should I be ashamed of my brother or sister? They died tragically. If they died being hit by a car, I wouldn't have to be ashamed of them? If they died of cancer, I wouldn't have to be ashamed.

 

[anni]

Whew. Good for you, for sticking to your guns,so to speak. It sounds like an odd dynamic, being somewhere that is supposed to be for the benefit of all survivors and not being able to express what must be a not-uncommon issue! I wonder why on earth it would be like that, anyway? It's not as if you could split the group into sections on who was abused HOW, and it shouldn't matter! I do find it fairly predictable that you would have the strength to stand firm, however. There's a reason you've been able to get this far, and so beautifully!

I have to say I'm baffled as to why some subjects would be off limits at these things. I hope you do intend to go next year, and that the whole matter of 'subjects' is worked out of everyone's system beforehand! Shame is an awful, awful thing for any survivor of any trauma to deal with- thanks for not allowing it to be perpetuated.

 

[Gloria]

Just an update. My friend and I are going to the winter retreat. I never thought I would go back. After the retreat, both my friend and I got were criticized for being trouble makers and I was told I wasn't welcome at a meeting. Wow! We got over the whole thing. Now, I recently found out that the perpetrator of the problem is permanently banned from the retreats. I am going this next weekend (but I can't stay as I am going on vacation). The retreat will be a healthier place because we stood up to the facilitators.

LOL! I don't think anybody is going to give me any lip.I think they would be afraid to mess with me! I love the people there. I have been going to the retreat for over 15 years and have many good memories of the retreats.