Sufferer Survivor

[Tinyflame]

Hi CB, maybe your T meant 'a' holocaust, not 'the' Holocaust?

I don't take offence, my mom's family, anyone who didn't make it here 'disappeared' there, they weren't Jewish however but Catholic, and some part of the Diplomatic Corps.

I'm guessing likely many more details have been revealed to your T, and just hope you find the help and peace you seek, need and hope for.

 

[Whitneys story]

Survivor, You spoke of your concern about unusual behavior. Sounds like the article about the cup overflowing would be most beneficial. When extremely stressed I have similar occurances. If you are worried about being on the forum, each one of us with trauma have begun the best journey to new beginings. I tried to use my car unlock on my house door! You are not alone.

 

[CharlieBrown]

Hello again everyone, and thanks for the welcoming comments. Knowing that one is not alone is indeed a big comfort.

I am very, very sorry for using the "holocaust" analogy. I think as Junebug said my T probably meant it more as "a" holocaust and not "the".... anyway..... even though I am a fairly articulate person, I find/found myself lacking a better method to describe my experiences. Please forgive me for not taking the time to come up with a better one. As I believe someone else said in this thread, we've all been through our traumas......

Catjudo, as unbelievable as it sounds, yes, my PTSD has largely been caused by a direct result of what I went through in the divorce. It lasted an unbelievable 25 months, during which time I desperately tried to disengage. I did not know at the time (never having read the book about Dysfunctional Relationships..... the famous one..... title escapes me right now), that there were three positions on the triangle...... caretaker, victim, and perpetrator. Obviously, with the marriage over, the caretaker role was no longer open to me. Regardless of the fact that I did not want the victim, that was apparently what my ex wife assigned to me.

While I was off meditating and taking small hikes in the foothills of where I live and visualizing a positive outcome for everyone involved and try to go about seeking a higher power to pray to, she and her lawyer(s) were in the war room plotting my demise. In the end, perhaps a more appropriate analogy -- my divorce ended up being like Germany invading Poland in World War II. It was a slaughter.

Complications arose when I wrote several emails to my wife telling her that the car was about to be repossessed, and that the credit card companies were about to sue us. I found out later that that violated an order of protection she had taken out against me, and when the dust settled, the county sherriff's office issued a warrant for my arrest, charged me with four different felonies, and placed a $50,000 bond on my head. That night in "jail court," people who were brought in on serious felony drug charges were let go on their own recognizance, but not me. And after having 21 different court appearances about the matter, I finally (much to my regret) agreed to plead guilty to one misdemeanor count just to get the darned case to go away. But it didn't go away. I had to attend 26 court ordered domestic violence counseling classes (and never mind that I am a self-professed life long pacifist).

In the meantime, my wife repeatedly lied to the authorities, told them that I had stolen from her. She filed falsified police reports (reports containing information that was simply not true), and ultimately I found later, along with her divorce lawyer, she paid a bribe to my divorce lawyer to get him to walk away from the rather complicated case and leave me high and dry (I was out of money by then, and could no longer afford another attorney), in exchange for which they obtained confidential attorney client information from MY lawyer.

Having obtained that information via bribery, they turned it over to the State's Attorney General's office. I found out later that the asst. AG became personally involved in my divorce, pulling strings behind my back, coercing testimony out of someone else who had acted as my lawyer, and several other nefarious things basically involving the shredding of my constitutional rights. Due to the complications of all this, they filed three heart attack serious felony charges against me, and I am facing the possibility of spending the next 20 years in prison without the possibility of parole. The nightmare of what I am living through never seems to go away, and no matter who I try to point out that bribery is a felony, absolutely NO ONE seems to care.

I spent much of the divorce just simply wishing to die, begging God to let me die in my sleep, and cursing him (or her or it) every morning when I found myself still amongst the living. There were nights when I lie in bed, and it felt like two people were just going at me with 2 by 4's. It got to the point where I would just sit in bed for hours and just play Sudoku or something. Some days, it was all I could do..... after having spent the majority of my life as a high functioning depressive who was usually able to at least get up and do some chores around the house, etc.

Having this court case hang over my head is, quite frankly, doing me in. This case has been going on for almost two years now, and I have quite frankly reached my limits in my ability to deal with it. Although I keep getting the feeling that everything will be all right, it hasn't happened yet, and I swing wildly between optimism one day and planning my suicide the next. I have a basic "kit" ready to go at a moments notice if need be. I need to have that escape hatch for the sake of my own sanity.

Quite frankly, I just can't stand it anymore. What I need is a mean, tough, nasty lawyer who will stand up and fight for me (read: $50,000 to $100,000 retainer), but I am living on unemployment and food stamps, and cannot afford one. And in the meantime, I am exhausted. It's typical for me to have 2 or 3 naps a day before noon. Sometimes, the earliest nap comes before 8am -- because I am at the computer trying to get some work done and falling asleep.

So, when I say I don't know what to do, I really don't know what to do. Unfortunately, I picked out an apartment that doesn't allow pets, because there's times when I wished I at least had someone else around to keep me company, like a cat or a small dog. I don't talk to my family about what's going on. Every week when my 80 year old mother calls, I always tell her I am fine. In the meantime, my best friend moved away... the only person I really was ever able to talk about things with.

Anyway, I've ranted enough probably for one night. I am sorry if I offended anyone. I never meant to do that.

In leaving, I will close with this. I remember reading Elie Wiesel in college (I actually took a course in Holocaust Theology a long time ago), and he said something to the effect of after it was all over, they were just speechless -- couldn't talk -- couldn't speak. That's kind of where I am now. I don't know what to say....... don't know what to do. Don't know how to plan the rest of my life.....

But, I guess judging by the length of the post I obviously have *something* to say.... :) I keep asking "why me, why me," and I still don't have a good answer for that. Nor can I figure out what I am supposed to learn from this.... maybe one day I will.

Thanks everyone. Good night for now.

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

Charlie Brown,
You have a wonderful voice and plenty to say! When we have been traumatized, we are prone to choosing dysfunctional relationships, and reenacting the trauma in different ways.

I know what you mean about telling people you are 'fine'. Sometimes it's just so much easier because most people don't Get It and it's almost more damaging to try explaining the level of pain you are in and how much it affects every day life. I have had people -highly educated people- say "can't you just put all that stuff behind you and get on with your life?" They think we ENJOY wallowing around in sorrow and pain. Really?

Not to discourage you, but I just hit 12 years of therapy....never thought I'd be here this long, but I can see why it took this long. There are so many layers and layers and layers. It's gut wrenching to deal with each micro layer. Therapy is the only reason I'm not 1. dead, 2. on drugs or drinking, 3. estranged from my kids. I have been through hell processing all the trauma of the first 16 years of my life.

Friends, hubby and kids will testify I am a new creation -especially in the last 5 years. I had so much anger and pain to work through. I took it out everywhere except where it belonged. When that turned around I started getting better.

Hang in there.....I am proof you can get better and you can have happiness. It will never be perfect, but so much better than it is now.

 

[circe47]

Hello Charlie Brown..

So sorry to hear about your troubles. From what I understand, High Conflict Divorces can cause PTSD and if you have been traumatized by your divorce, I feel for you.

I am responding because I am disturbed by the actions of the legal professionals in your situation. First of all, one would think that any information obtained by illegal means such as bribery, would not be admissible in court during proceedings against you. If this is found to be the case, then one would expect charges or judgments against you be reversed.

If your attorney gave confidential information over to the other side and you can prove it was confidential information that nobody but you could possibly have access to, then I would contact your state bar association and report their actions. I am not sure what sort of information shared with your attorney could actually be confidential in a divorce case.

Short of admitting to your attorney you committed a crime, a past adulterous affair, or being gay and still in the closet, pretty much everything else can be found out by way of subpoena; i.e. financial records, medical records, DOJ records (by way of accredited background investigator). In the event you confessed something that only you can know about, i.e. undiscovered criminal activity, adultery, being in the closet or other such private secrets and he shared this information, your attorney can be sued for breaching attorney/client confidentiality.

In addition, it depends on who is the plaintiff and who is the respondent in the divorce. If you are suing her, then she has the right by rules of discovery to know what the contents of your complaint are i.e. medical or financial documents. Rules of discovery are in place so that the defendant (respondent) has the chance to arm themselves with the best defense possible. The legal view is that when one is being "attacked" so to speak, the one being "attacked" has the right to know what they are facing. If the plaintiff or his attorney hide certain documented evidence or facts, then they can be in a lot of trouble.

Lastly, at the very least the state bar association is supposed to conduct an investigation into the activities of both lawyers. If found guilty, they would most likely face disbarrment due to the fact that attorney/client confidentiality has been breached. In fact, you could tell you attorney you murdered someone and his attorney CANNOT share this information with ANYONE, not even GOD...or he will most likely be disbarred. To consider otherwise makes the whole concept of being an attorney a joke, right? If either of these attorneys are found guilty, then a civil suit against them would be the next logical step. I am sure there are plenty of lawyers who work on contingency for a civil suit like this.

I wish you the best and hope for a great outcome in your favor....;)

 

[CharlieBrown]

Dear Inspired and Circe,

Thanks for the encouraging words and kind thoughts. I certainly know the feeling about anger all too well. The "cup theory" (did I get that right?) about PTSD certainly makes sense. I can go from calm and normal to blood boiling in about 3 seconds. It's not a comfortable feeling, as I'm sure many of us here are all too familiar with. And yes, one of my friends talks about the circling thoughts that won't go away. "Well just don't have them," she tells me. I tell her I hope she never gets PTSD.

The ongoing court case is indeed a big legal mess. I did try to file a complaint with the state bar against the two divorce lawyers in question and all they did was call the two lawyers and ask them if they had committed an act of bribery. WOW! Some investigation......

I have had suspicions for some time that there were two legal justice systems in this country -- one for those with access to unlimited funds, and another for those without funds. Being part of the "without" crowd, it is down to the level of the "McDonald's" of legal service -- shut up, take the plea deal, consider yourself lucky, and "Next! ........Oh, did the other parties engage in malfeasance in pursuing charges against you? Too bad.... better luck next time....."

And so it goes. A dear of friend of mine keeps reminding me that the truth is ALWAYS stronger than a lie, and I know that to be true. But I also know that a lie unchallenged becomes the truth. At some point, I guess, I need to find my voice and stand up and speak the truth. But when or where to do that is hard to say. Maybe trying bar complaints again, or perhaps filing a civil suit.

The problem is I am not a warrior. I do not have the warrior spirit. And I am exhausted from what I have been through already. Now I am having auditory hallucinations (I keep hearing a telephone ringing, but it comes and goes).

And I wonder how much longer it can go on....... before I just fall apart.

Sign me....... Trying to keep my head up....... and not giving in yet.

 

[p-no]

CharlieBrown, welcome to this forum. I hope it will help you as much as it has helped me already. :)

When I read your posts I was wondering whether you have been feeling chased resulting in feeling as if you can't breathe properly and only "on the surface". That's what unexpected additional stress does to me. What helps me when things get out of hand and I feel I am losing control (i.e. those are the times when I will answer my remote control instead of my phone and put the keys into the freezer) is slowing down. TV off, radio off, open window, sit and breathe. For a long time -- letting whatever rushes through me (thoughts, feelings, body reactions due to anxiety, etc.) rush through me. Eventually I will get calmer. What also helps me is do something repetitive, like playing a board game on the computer that is basically the same any time I play.

The reason I'm saying this is that you have been under a lot of stress yourself it seems, and if it is true, it might be of help to step back and breathe. Make yourself aware of your surroundings and find a way back to reality (I mean by that for example to realize that you have the keys in hand and that you're standing in front of the freezer and that the keys and the freezer do not belong together...).

During my first therapy I learned one of the most powerful tools to come back to the very reality. I had anxiety attacks of the worst kind as soon as I (literally) stood up thinking I would faint. So as a task to learn to be able to go outside again and even get some groceries (moved back in with my dad at the time because I couldn't manage like anything anymore outside), I was told to go outside and read every single street sign. After a while that worked better; then I was supposed to tell myself (in my thoughts) what color the houses I passed were, count the traffic lights, etc. That is something you can do anywhere and it can help you get back into reality and slow down. Focus on little things and few things, just so you can become aware of what you are doing the very moment when you are about to open up the freezer in order to put the tea kettle in.

Also, re the "hallucination" of the phone ringing. I had something like that before and soon I found out that that was more or less the same case as with the freezer and the keys. I was not in the now and I had indeed heard something (certain parts of a piece of music that I had never before consciously perceived) and that "something" had - in combination with other noise around - added up to (for example!) a phone ringing. I had heard something but because I was busy with anxiety and stress, I had misinterpreted. I am not saying this is the case with you. I am just saying that it might be an option. As for me, it only happened very few times in my life (just like the keys in the freezer thing), but always due to an enormous amount of stress and me not stepping back and breathing (slowing down everything, put life in slow-motion).

So, maybe this helps. If not, disregard message. :)

Wishing you all the best for what lies ahead.

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

Charlie Brown,
You sound very intelligent and capable. Although I have not had to deal with the legal system, I understand severe depression all too well.

You say you are not a warrior, and yet I have my doubts about this. My guess is you are a tired warrior.

You may have already addressed this and I missed it, but one thing I STRONGLY advise is that you get away from as many people in your 'old' circle as possible. People who pull you down verbally, emotionally or physically do not need to be in your life when you are trying to recover. Their own issues preclude helping you. They may not mean to drag you down, but they will. Put your efforts into resting your body and mind. Find an outlet -exercise, art, writing, etc. You need something for Yourself. Something that will energize, not deplete you. This may sound harsh and excessive, but speaking from personal experience and from talking with others, I know it to be true. You must create a safe place for yourself.

Please continue to let us all know how you are and when you need support.