Survivors Guilt

[esz]

A letter to my sister, my mother, and my brother:
Do you still love me even though I didnt go through what you did? I know you think my life has been nothing but sunshine and roses compared to what you went through, but it wasnt. Am I not allowed to have feelings? You expect me to just be happy go lucky all the time, to never hurt or be afraid. In fact, you laugh at me when I'm in pain, physical or emotional. Because you cant imagine that anything I feel is anything other than "cute". Yeah, your life sucked. So what? Is that my fault? You do realize that I have PTSD too right? Maybe I didn't go through what you went through, but where were you when dad killed himself? Where were you when I was expected to be taking care of him, of mom too, on suicide watch at age 14?
Your love for me is conditional. As long as I live in a world where my trauma really existed, where I'm allowed to hurt, you think I'm being delusional. Only when I praise your infinite strength and wisdom for surviving what you did, denying my own experiences, only then will you love me. You love me like an innocent puppy dog who is too stupid not to love. How cute. Spoiled little puppy. Never will know pain in its spoiled little life.

 

[esz]

An update: I was confronted with the idea today that at one point, my parents were faced with some of the same decisions that I have been faced with. My mom's childhood was about on par with mine trauma wise. But she chose to get out by running way, taking drugs and living on the street, leading to 20+ more years of trauma. I chose to get out by going to college, applying for scholarships and working a lot to support myself. I'm still in my 20s but I'm already seeking therapy and help to move on from the abuse, unlike she did. I am stronger than she was. I have every right to be angry for the way I was treated, sad for the lonely child that she never loved. I am stronger, more self aware, healthier than she ever was at my age. And if I want to be angry, sad, devastated by what she did to me, I have more than every right.

 

[Freida]

I am stronger, more self aware, healthier than she ever was at my age. And if I want to be angry, sad, devastated by what she did to me, I have more than every right.

Yes you are and yes you do!