Suspicions... Unsure of who the person is who assaulted me.

[Quassus]

I'm in the midst of body memories and flashbacks. Unsure of them and who did it. That said..I was remembering my neighbor from the time when this abuse would have occurred. I was 6 but I remember his name clearly. I sometimes would go over and talk to him and try to help him. I vaguely feel like I was in his house. One time my sister dared me to go over to his house and ask for Toliet paper ( we were playing girl talk) . I did it. I was young so this is snippets of memories.

But I also remember his son came to stay with him and my mom saying he was a child molester. Its weird I remember this as i was so young.I remember i met him but its super vague and I felt like my memory might be wrong. So I looked it up. I was surprised i actually was right about him. My mom saying that is a clip of a memory. The timeline lines up. He is in jail now at the age for first degree sexual assault of a child. It happened right when I remember him living next door. I saw his picture and I know I've seen him before.

My most recent flashes of memories are very intense. I am not saying its related but.. I know in the end it doesn't matter who..but I can't stop wondering...I'm just venting really. In the end unless my brain suddenly remembers there is no point to wondering...but this one is really bothering me...and scares me. I'm afraid what may come out of EMDR when I start. Maybe ill never know..but I feel like it's there...

 

[Friday]

This is INCREDIABLY common.

And you’re absolutely right… attempting to zero in on what you don’t remember, but are piecing together… could create false memories. As your brain is trying to fill in the gaps. So it is SMART, to take a step back, and not create the need for your brain to do what brains do (or we’d see black with every blink, & not see letters but the spaces between them, as our brains fill in the gaps with what we expect).

Suspicious? CERTAINLY! Again, totally agreed. But? If you want to know the truth? Don’t try to find it. Give yourself the space to know that something happened, and you protected yourself. And that’s not only okay… but, frustrating as it is as an adult? How. Damn. Cool. Is. It?!? That your survival instinct is/was so strong, that the automatic reaction was protection???

 

[Quassus]

This is INCREDIABLY common.

And you’re absolutely right… attempting to zero in on what you don’t remember, but are piecing together… could create false memories. As your brain is trying to fill in the gaps. So it is SMART, to take a step back, and not create the need for your brain to do what brains do (or we’d see black with every blink, & not see letters but the spaces between them, as our brains fill in the gaps with what we expect).

Suspicious? CERTAINLY! Again, totally agreed. But? If you want to know the truth? Don’t try to find it. Give yourself the space to know that something happened, and you protected yourself. And that’s not only okay… but, frustrating as it is as an adult? How. Damn. Cool. Is. It?!? That your survival instinct is/was so strong, that the automatic reaction was protection???

You are so right! It's hard to let go of things we can't control and it is amazing that our brains can protect us so perfectly. Thanks for the great reminder! Mt T says we work with what our brain gives us and that's enough.