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I thought I'd take a break from the forum, but in essence, I probably won't be back.
This obsession that some of us are looking for sympathy has really taken the wind out of my sails. I'm not back at square one. I'm way back beyond that and furious about this accusation --- and digging in my heels the way us ptsd ppl do, over reacting, taking the "I'll show you I can do it" route, pretty much deciding that I'd really rather go it alone.
Thank you to everyone here who cares, but this remark of Anthony's just puts me back in my corner.
I'm putting all the secrets back in the box and locking the lid. It was a mistake to think I could bring them to light, that things would be better if someone else knew the stories.
I told a number of stories that affect me on another forum. At first it felt very positive, like I was making huge progress, but now I can clearly see that I have only been rubbing old wounds and making them raw. I must have been looking for pity, for sympathy.
I tried the business of acting happy, trying to laugh again, trying to actually fit the "stage face" that I've worn for so long. Seems like I should just go back to acting and leave the real me out of it. Just today, I thought I was acting happy-go-lucky, and someone close to me asked if I was ok. ... that I was acting as though I was very mad about something. Shows how good an actor I am.
The anger is under the skin. People seldom see it. No one knows that the rage simmers there. I don't think I really need those "would be" friends, and the damage will just be greater when they depart as I know they will anyway, especially if they find out the real me.
People really don't give a s* about the warriors anyway. Even when they ask, I can see the glaze come over their eyes as they start to get the answer -- and those are the mild answers, not the hard core stuff.
There are way too many "I's" in this writing, but they seem to be necessary to describe what's going on.
I was one of America's toughest soldiers, one of the toughest in the world. Trained to survive and thrive in the worst conditions, to reach the objective, succeed in the mission, and live to tell about it. This sojurn into the survivor/ptsd arena was maybe a distraction. I can do this on my own.
I'll just pack these thoughts back into the box and resume the position I was in when I arrived here. It seems that I have escaped the desperate things I was doing when I arrived on the scene with survivor sites. The thought crosses my mind sometimes, but I don't feel that strong attraction that I did earlier. For this I thank everyone.
As I type this, I'm having a serious deja vous and feeling like I've typed it before. The stories about my deja vous experiences and clairvoyancy haven't been told here (or elsewhere), but the upshot is that such a strong deja vous means that I must be very cautious; something bad is imminent. It can be avoided if I'm vigilant. The deja vous is a warning to change direction. This confirms my thoughts about jumping out of the forum.
I don't know what's on the other side, but it seems that following this path of telling the stories and being accused of self pity just isn't the route I want to take. My fingers were getting pretty good at revealing stories I'd forgotten, but even a wounded psyche isn't going to put up with a whack over the head.
Regretfully, leaving here means losing contact with some cyber friends. I don't know how this is going to impact me. I haven't had a friend for decades IRL. Your support is very much appreciated. These simple words don't seem enough to tell you how much your support has meant to me.
I don't have the nerve to PM a farewell to individuals. Perhaps some of them will visit this post and see what has happened.
If we were actually together, I'd hug you good bye, have very brief eye contact as the tears started to surface, and turn away for a long walk to the nearby airplane. The sun is setting behind the airplane and shines on your face as you look toward me.
Just before stepping into the aircraft at the top of the stairs, I'd turn, almost look at you, and raise a hand, almost like a wave, before stumbling over the threshold because of the tears flooding my eyes as I go through the door.
From the window, I'll watch you shrink into history as the plane picks up speed and takes off.
That's how I'd say good bye IRL. I don't know how to say good bye here. I am sorry. *tears ... and later, much later, after I calm down, I'd write a letter to Anthony and thank him for freeing me from any desire to give attention to the ptsd.
I feel that your entire post is a big bag of B.S. Sorry. It is riddled with stark sarcasm. Not sure what your point is in posting this "poetic manifesto" other than to garner attention. If I've misinterpreted your intention, then I apologize. But, from what I can see - it seems that you are at the same time thankful for certain revelations while scorning the forum for doing so.
Hello Trent, I wish I could be of some help to you, but I can't. I don't even know what country or state you from, (lol) but the state of mind does ring familiar to me from previous yrs.
Your most recent post though difficult for me to follow intellectually, makes sense to me emotionally. I hear enormous amounts of fear. Throughout my whole life, I too have had enormous amounts of debilitating fears; I do still have many existing, but with me remaining unwilling to quit on reclaiming self, and improving my life, I've challenged myself now for years and thus traveled some hell'a'va f'n wonderful distance; Life can be good again.
Really, try to cut yourself some slack and not be too hard on yourself; I know it may feel next to impossible especially if you're obsessive surrounding your fears, but even then from my experience, exhaustion and self-defeat take hold and obsessions soon dry up and next to evaporates.
IMHO, I also hear that you are feeling very isolated. Too much isolation worsens everything; Really, it makes one really ill,..........sucks spirit and life right out of us; Launches us into our brain'housing and attempts to trap us, keeping us f'n stuck and thinking in circles.
isolation = inertia
Trent, please don't do what I've done; I've thought so little of myself before, that I've sabotaged my direction on behalf of 'great & valid reasoning and justifications'. We as people are right and wrong, every f'n day of our lives. Who gives a crap, whose right and whose wrong, just be as honest as You can each new day about you and your trauma, with whomever you can.
.....Learn, make new chooses, heal and grow from it all; From everything, ..... which includes, learning from any and every emotion, agony, success, failure, hardship, loss ......whatever, ...own these and surrender to win.
Surrender to win,... ...while replacing what doesn't work, for what works.
Give it to yourself, ...A Chance, that your thinking can once again work for you, and not against you. And, if you do so decide to be honest with your trauma, where ever and with whomever, just know that the saying, "It gets worse before it gets better." Is no bullsh't.........Honesty with trauma, its impact and its nature, can and does make one very ill and feel raw, before producing some mighty acceptable results.
IMHO......You don't want anything other than sympathy. You don't want to work on your trauma, you want sympathy. You want people to feel sorry for you and say, " Oh poor Trent, what a shitty life he has."
Well I have had a shitty life too, the same as everyone else here, and we don't ask for sympathy. If we get offended because someone says something that we don't like, usually we step back, think about it and DEAL with it in a healthy way.
No one is begging you to stay, so I guess that's pretty much it......
Don't try and shift your actions upon me though please... you own your decisions, not me, not another. This is exactly part and parcel of the issues with PTSD.... we make decisions and blame another for our own decisions. Not a positive act. You have applied a general discussion upon yourself, towards yourself... what does that say? Does that mean it hits home more to you? Denial is an essence of PTSD.
:) ... so what are you trying to say, Tony ... that you're observing ptsd at work ... check the name of the forum ... it's ptsd 100%...same w me, full ptsd.
And whatever the cause of my acting, reacting, deactivating ... I do thank you and some of the other experts here for showing me the truth so soon. Many thanks to you as I put things back together in survival mode and get away from all of this sympathy seeking that I've been doing. No more denial here, no more bringing up the stories, no more bothering anyone else. Alone wasn't great, but it beats getting whacked. Adios amigo.
While I agree with you Anthony, at the same time I disagree. Sometimes I do not look for pity or sympathy, as much as I wish I had someone to give me a hug. Emotional support is one thing, pity and sympathy are totally separate.
I wonder if Anthony's military training is reflected in his views???....he can be very direct and blunt....not as tactful as one would like at times :rolleyes:.....
You know, I think our views change as our life experiences do....sometimes we can agree to disagree and sometimes there are differing shades of grey....not everything is black and white.
If it was me being told I was sympathy seeking, I would take on board what I believed to be true or perhaps only bite sized pieces and have a look at what was being said compared to how I was acting. Self analysis is good. If someone says they perceive you to be seeking sympathy I guess it is worth exploring if you want to grow.... it does not mean they are always correct but it does provide you with a platform for self evaluation. No-one is asking you to change who you are....only you can change the way you act if you want to.