Sympathy - It Is Creeping Back Here

[Trent]

Ok ... what kind of crap is that... 10 minute limit on editing! For crying out loud, it took me 10 minutes to type the edit.

Here's what the edit would have said...something like it, since I now have to retype the whole thing.

I would have deleted the above post because it seems totally out of line with the climate of correctness for this forum. And everyone knows, I'm 100% politically correct.

One of the "symptoms" of ptsd seems to be a resistance to rules, so I'm glad to wind up here where the rules seem to involve my choice of words and whether I tell a story or relate a symptom or incident and someone might take it as looking for sympathy.

I apologize if I seem to be looking for sympathy (none sought, none offered, just like kindness in combat). But would it be wrong to tell a newbie that "I'm sorry you're going thru such a tough time." Would it be wrong to tell someone you're holding their hand or walking with them on this difficult journey?

I'm not posting this more than one time in multiple threads, worrying that someone might happen on it again. I'm not challenging anyone. I do not hope to gather support from anyone. I'm sorry if anything I say offends anyone in the whole world. I'm sorry if the past controls the present. Oh, and I wouldn't want anyone to think my remarks are sarcastic or given with double meaning. I sympathize with the ppl running the forum for such a hard job it is. Basically, I'm sorry for living.

Bang the gavel

 

[Deleted member 541]

If you or anyone is looking for *PITY* the this isn't the place to get it. We understand, we empathies, we offer hope, we offer a shoulder, we try to offer solutions, but NO PITY here. You will get a kick in the ass if needed, set straight, maybe even told off, but you won't get pity. It serves NO point, it stops a person from healing, and it ends up hurting them in the end.

 

[anthony]

Hi Trent.... you have done nothing wrong, nor did I take your post as sympathetic... just your view. The forum has an editing limit due to experience of sufferers. You answered the question you asked really; in that you would have deleted what you said if allowed to edit your own posts. People would chop and change their content with their mood.... the forum information would be useless to anyone, and a waste of time to those who take the time to respond to those very posts in the first place. I am sure you would not want to respond to a post and have the person come along and just delete the original post of theirs to begin with... kind off makes your time a waste then.... ha?

 

[cec]

Anthony,

I have to thank you for this post for I am guilty of this. I understand that empathy acknowledges and validates experience; sympathy perpetuates it.

But, as a new member and new to a PTSD diagnosis, it takes time to understand what I"m experiencing. This understanding, in turn, will provide the basis I need to accurately reflect the experience of others. It is hard for new people to know how to interact. Sympathy, therefore, may be all us newbies are capable of.

Your post has certainly brought me into check and for this I'm grateful, but I'm glad I was shown patience.



Paul

 

[anthony]

Its a hard one for us all to come to terms with Paul... though one we must if we want to help ourselves. No other can help us, only we can help ourselves. This is why you have a great difference typically in therapy trends... some who get in and get the job done, then those who get in and go all round the hard stuff, never really into the core of the problem. This type of thing invokes a sympathetic mood when approaching therapy vs. someone who just lets go and tells the therapist every little truth to be told, holding nothing back, no secrets.... that can be empathised with IMO.

 

[Trent]

No sympathy wanted. No empathy wanted. I don't even want to tell you my story. I'm not sure why I even checked back here. I'd be afraid to post any "secrets" anyway. It's one thing to have them out there with ppl who care and another to post them where someone is going to check the sympathy-meter to see what is "intended."

For all I know what Anthony is saying cud be hundred percent correct, but it seems like an odd way to greet newbies ...

Come on in, Whack!
Watch what you're saying, Whack!
We care what happens to you, Whack!
Tell your story (but be sure all possible interpretations are included because someone else can't see your eye movement and hand gestures), Whack!
Put your story in a diary (where it will be kept a secret, or maybe you'd like to just type it in Word and file it in the back of ur PC -- Is that the same as telling someone?) - Whack!

It's a good thing all of you are patient ... maybe some of it will rub off on me. Logic says that no one would go to the trouble of maintaining such a site if they didn't care about ppl like me. Logic says that no one would post replies if they really didn't care. And then there is that part of my brain, or memory, or body or whatever that says "don't trust anyone."

I swear, everything I think or say seems like it's too sarcastic, too cynical, or too antagonistic to post here. I guess I could just open the way for my fingers to key in the thoughts that pass through my body and see what happens.

Or, maybe I'd just better crawl away into another dark place and keep the lid on my secrets. (or does that sound like looking for sympathy) ...

 

[Marlene]

Trent,

I've been on this forum for going on two years now. I guess that makes me an old-bie.

Wanting to keep your secrets to yourself, not trusting people, etc. are part and parcel or PTSD. I'm still oh so careful about who I talk to and who gets to know my story. Mainly because it's no one's business but mine.

This forum isn't about whacking new people into shape. This forum is set up and fuctions as a community where people who have PTSD and the folks that love them come to learn how to live with disorder. People who are further along in recovery share what they've learned with others here. And you're right, the person who started this forum and who maintains it does it because he does care about people like us. And the fact that Anthony does have PTSD as well give him an insight that others wouldn't have.

All that said, there has been some really goofy, silly and occasionally nasty shit that has been said and done on this site. The reason for so many rules is because it's been learned through experience that when you put a such diverse group of people together that without rules there's absolute pandemonium. If it weren't for things being kept safe and sane, a lot of us wouldn't be here. Myself included.

I'm with you that I don't wany sympathy. What I was looking for and found here was a place where I wasn't alone. With my PTSD I felt like the only freak in the side show. Here I don't feel like that. It's a place I can be myself without watching everything I say in case I let something out of the bag. If you don't want to write your story, that's fine. It's everyone's choice what they share or don't share here. If you just want to read and learn, that's cool, too. There is no expectation other than respecting others.

Hope this helps.

Lisa

 

[FightingLily]

Anthony is right

Wow. Why is anyone taking Anthony's post personal? I agree. This is a support site, not a sympathy site, and if it were, I would not be a member....There is a huge difference between seeking support and seeking sympathy.

For example: a person writes a post about ongoing issues with a sufferer that is causing their relationship to fail, other members comment the post with validation (ie been there- hang in there) or will provide info or insight. This is seeking support.

But then if the same person repeatedly posts essentially the same sob story, all with different titles, this is a very annoying attempt at seeking sympathy and attention. Yes, we have one here. And I must say, I have to refrain from reading the garbage because it really pisses me off and IMHO, is counterproductive to what this community is suppose to be about.

 

[anthony]

People take it personal because PTSD oftens fills them with the only shown emotional response.... anger, hatred, attack, defend. Not emotions, but emotional responses. People often think this site is about telling their story... when that is just not even close. Telling your story is part of the process of asking for help... nothing more, nothing less. As stated here already, this place is about getting help, not having a chit chat fun time doing nothing for yourself. Yes, fun can be had.... but if your not here seeking help, seeking knowledge, seeking how to better yourself because what you're doing just isn't working.... then you're in the wrong place.

People take a negative and express their immediate thought, because their brain is only capable of finding the negatives... social aspects have an impact on this, just look at the news. People only want bad news, they want the worst of it all.... not what this forum is about. Get the worst out and start opening one's eyes to the reality of life, the reality of how to live a better life with PTSD. This is why people take things personal.... they cannot see past themselves, they cannot accept it is them that is broken. They would rather find a statement and attack, because that gives them a sense off accomplishment.

For those who have been here years, you would know all this. Point: New members need to do more reading of existing threads, sifting through the real content already contained here.... less arguing and venting of their own insecurities and anger. Learn from here how to change your life, not keep repeating the same cycle your already stuck within.

Honestly.... I love reading those members who come here and introduce themselves.... "I have been reading here for months, a year even" has been said. Those people often post in a very different manner right from start. They have already been learning from all the experience and knowledge here... taking what works for them from others sharing and trying to find the best methods for themselves... throwing the rest away. Those members are not here to argue or cause conflict, they have already begun bettering themselves and now just need to fill in some blanks. Congrats to all those who fit that criteria as a new member....

Trent: You started to make an admission:

I swear, everything I think or say seems like it's too sarcastic, too cynical, or too antagonistic to post here.

Things your saying here fit this criteria that you think you're doing. Why? Because that is how your trying to fit yourself in here. PTSD consumes us with anger, which is an emotional response, not an emotion. Males are the worst at emotions.... I know, being male and ex-military of all things.... emotions are just not what we instilled within. Took a lot to change myself after realising it was me that was broken, not the rest of the world.

 

[pandora]

Trent when i started at this forum over a year ago....I was having a huge pity party for myself too. I read and read and have learned and continue therapy.....I have learned more about myself, shared more about myself, learned how to change and improve the negative aspects of PTSD that I was unable to do on my own and at that time with a very highlt trained professional. She commente4d once that I have done more work and healing here in that year than I have with her over a number of years. This illness takes time, understanding, patience and above all a willingness to learn all that you can about yourself and others...in return you may help people along the way. There is a lot of positive people and the information that can be learned here is invaluable..IMO. You are the only one that can change the situation and you have to be the one to WANT to do that. I am living proof as are many others that this is a wonderful place to come when we need support.......I hope you try to give it a chance it will only help you and in the long run you will be the one to benefit as well as the people in your life, interpersonal relationships etc. Take care.

 

[Trent]

Knee bent, head down, apologies to all who take offense to my remarks.


I’m really having a hard time getting my brain around all of this. Some of the comments make sense and others make the writers sound arrogant. Some of the remarks are just confusing to me.

Let me give you some examples of what concerns me … and this is just an indication, not all of them, and not picking on specific people, just the type remarks that get under my skin. (From the replies, I take it that no one will be offended, but on the other hand, the word choice and phrasing make me think that some people are already offended).

Here are some things.

“You started to make an admission:” -- (What does this mean, started to make an admission that what I was saying seemed cynical, sarcastic, antagonistic … I’m telling you that it DOES seem that way – so why would I want to continue to load up the forum with this stuff that no one wants to hear and only causes trouble. I’ve caused enough trouble small globe.)

“I was having a huge pity party for myself too.” (Hmmmm… so now I’m having a pity party – think about how what you said sounds to me).

“You have to be the one to WANT to do that” (Can someone tell me what I’m saying that reads like I’m looking for someone else to make these change?)

“This is why people take things personal (ly).... they cannot see past themselves, they cannot accept it is them that is broken. They would rather find a statement and attack, because that gives them a sense off accomplishment.” (Does this mean that my taking exception to the “sympathy remarks” indicates that I can only see my own problem, that I’m “attacking” because it gives me a “sense of accomplishment? – Some accomplishment - "attacking" some anonymous person who is trying to help me. Are you sure your word choice is correct here? Is this really what you believe about me?


I have to say that you experts are either entirely misreading my comments or I’m totally miscommunicating them. And, if this is an indication of how the remarks of new people are perceived, it will be a long road for me to find acceptance.


That phrase about being unable to accept that it is me that is broken… whew, you are way off base with that thinking. Of course it’s me who is broken. Broken way back there when the bullets were flying and people were dying. Broken on the inside and broken on the outside. Patched up. Stood up. Saluted. Moved on….and now earning another Whack as I’m perceived to be blaming someone else. *shakes his head and says, “I really don’t get it.”

I don’t really expect anyone to answer these questions. I just needed to ask them.

I’ll come back and read these replies a forth time and see if the meaning is any clearer.


Now, I’ll back out of the room and close the door quietly, saying mia culpa, mia culpa.

 

[Auburngirl]

Trent, I can understand why this is hard. PTSD is hard and feeling like you are being judged makes it harder. But people on this forum don't know you and are basing their responses on what you write, no one knows you or your context, or your intentions or facial expressions when you were writing. It's hard not to take things personally, but maybe more useful to see comments here as responses to your posts, rather than to you.

Also, use the forum if and in ways that works for you. It is your choice about how much you say and don't say. It can be a good place to get information, because people are going through similar things. This doesn't have to be your life line. Different things work for different people and there are different paths to recovery. I find it's good to have support in a few different places, that way no one gets too worn out and you get different perspectives.

Just as you are responding to posts in a certain way, viewed from a certain place, others are responding to you. It's not a perfect mirror. Take a step back, remember that many people also welcomed you and seek out what will help you.

Best of luck.