Symptoms

[Londonacquisition]

Today i sleeped well again. It is so goof to day that. Something really big hs happened that I think I should say. Usually the neuroses wake me up fr nightmare. They usually have been waking me upeveryday since the novermber 5th shooting. I have been feeling better and my mind is more at ease ever since income back from the eta in riverside. The nurses usually wake me up from annightmare about very 3 days when the nightmares get so bad. I have learned they are a good thing. But there is one big change. Ever since I came back from the ets in riverside and I have been sleeping well the nurses have been wakin me up about every 5 days. As usual they only wake menup when the nightmare gets so bad that I am under a lot of distress. I take I as a good sign. I think I am better handling things. Sleeping better and my paranoia seems more under control. For about 4 days now I have stopped looking outside my windows about 2 times a day. One other thing. When I was at the Loma Linda VA wi took a number and when I was called to talk tothe person at the computer there was a flyer that says you can get a DUI while under medication. I appreciated tha they told me, I sigh it had more information. I mean when I go to the jay leno show I take a lot of seriqiel. I need to say that over time I have exposed myself to situations and experiences that makes my anxiety worse. As time goes by i have adjusted my seriquil accordingly. Of course I tell my medical proiders. The amount of seriquil that I take is the amount that with time I have learned inshould take throughout experience and trial and error. I don t like taking any chances. I have to much to lose. I al a zombie, while driven to and from jay Leno show. But I can still drive. If I get to delist I will stop d rest. I do nt take chances. I dont want my drivin privileges to be taken away. I have an appointment on June 22 at the Lima Linda VA I hope they have some type of brochure or whatever that says what makes me a DUI with my medications. It is confusing to me. Tomorrow Monday I will call the Loma Linda VA and talk to the doctor to get me more of those Viagra pills. Anyways, today is a good day. I hope it continues.

 

[Steph_F]

L,

What branch of the military did you serve in? :)

 

[Londonacquisition]

I served in the army. For years I just kept my mouth shut and did not say anything. So know that I am getting help I tell everything. Lfe was hard when I was deployed. I am sure everyone who was kn the war zone knows that. One thing that I don't understand is the way medical pro Seders work. I mean as far as talking to them. For instance , and I am not complaining, when I talk to mr. Mihas about my medications. I see that he looks more at his computer then me. When I took "Escape and Evade" we were taught he meaning od facial expressions. When mr. Mihas looks at his computer his eyes and lip expresso
S tel me that the medical provider behind the computer is telloin h what to do. So I think shouldn't I be tailing to the medical provider behind the computers? That is why I don't see him as real medical provider. I see him as a "false flag" medical provider. It makes menfeel unsecure. Very confused. Like all deployed vets i came back with a 7th sense. Ever since I was discharged fr the army I see th all the new medical provides that I meet are the same way. I don think inam wrong because when i was deployed that 7th sense kept me alive. I don't like meeting new people because ther is always a thought in the back of my mind " trust no one" because I think the new people that I meet just want intell from me. They don't want to help me. I have learned that in the war zone this is very much needed. Plus I can tell the difference between regular civilians who really just want to talk to me and operatives. When intalk to operatives, informants, assets thir Eyes tells everything. Because their intentions are come from an unsecured line I don't allow them into my life. I had been paranoid for about 3 months. It is the nature of the beast. Luckily ever since my medications have been adjusted and I have learned that I am not the only vet with these problems I can say I have been feeling better. My mind is more a ease. For the past 2 days or so my navigation has been acting up. I am not complying. The navigations I have o my iPhone works %99 of the time. I think I need to update it. Today I called Cboc about my medication for my impotence problem. The medication does work. But I need a higher dosage and a 30 day supply. You know intake all type of medication. Why can I get the one i want. My mind is so brocken. That is the only way I can explain it. Of all the problems I have the hallucinations are the worse. They seem so real. It is like living in 2 two realities. One is in my mind and the other one is existence. The worst hallucination is the smell of bur it flesh. I just want to vomit. The "kill zone" can be anywhere. I can be in Loma Linda Va in Loma Linda in the pharmacy d the damn anxiety comes out od no where. I even have hallucinations there. I just can't escape from my anxiety. I hate the fact that inam going to be like his forever. Today about 2 hours ago I was goin to go shopping at walmart. Out of nowhere my right hand began to hurt then I started to become very afraid then the f*cking anxiety. My body became very hot like if I was in falluja in summer. I started to hear ied blasts and then go so angry I picked up and broke a plate. Crap like this happens to me almost everyday. So I just do t leave the house. I don't leave he house because I ground myself in ly home and it is the only place I calm down the fastest. Since most of the time I became anxious when I am outside my room where ly tv is. Then I ct away from that are and go back into ly room. I hate it, but what else can I do. I will be staring college soon and I am hoping I am more able to ground myself. Also I tried to tale out home loan equity and was denied. It makes no sense. I have good credit. To lake things worse I put in a new Va application on novemeber 2010 I called and they saidthat it was ready for a decision on februay 2011 but I am still waiting for them to make a decision. All of this is very confusing to me. Why does it take so long? I am staring to think that I did something wrong? I gave them everything they wanted? Didn't I? I just think inam such a failure sometimes. I know PTSD is not my fault, but I just my mind is so broken. I am very exited t see my family in Madrid Spain. It has been forever since I have seen them. I am not buying the ticket to Madrid yet I am going to wait. On June 22 I have an appintment with medical providers and since I will be there for about 5 months then I need to now how ly medications will be sent to me. I need to see ly family I miss them so much. Here in califonria I don't have a family support mainly because operatives have asked them to do things they dont want to do. I wish everyone hat is inviled in my trzatmen that my private life is ly private life. There is no reasonfor anyone to know anything. I had a grat time when I went to visit my family in Rome Italy. No pictures of family were taken as usual. This is to make sure their identities are kept a secret. Madras sil probably be them same way. But I this time I can take pictures os places d people inmeet as long as they are not family. So I hope i hope to have angreat time. If I can inwill use the Gi bill to go to school. Herr in America local law enfacement along with military intelligent and othe means are used for surveillance. In Spain I wouldnt doubt if Interpol gets activated to keep an eye on me. Anyways I know as usual "cyber"operatives will be keeping an eye on what I watch note Internet that also includes my emails etc.



Oh d while you are reding this please close the envelope after you read my mail. Yes, I know you read it.
I am very greatful for all the help I receive. I would be so lost without it.

 

[Jimmy1]

What units did you serve with mate. And which Army and where. It's just a routine question we ask under the forum rules.

 

[Londonacquisition]

Oh! Sorry. Are you a brit? Or other forgen forces. Hey man I have to give you your proper respect. You guys are really tuff. I served with us army. I served with the 427tc 478tc d the 892tc from february 2003 to januay 2006. Iraq was and still is a hell he. We were AT&T abed to 1st calv. And also airborne units. Ko matter where they went there we were. I still remember the "falluja offensive" we were dispached days after it ended. I remember saying to myself " what the f*ck" the things that I saw still give me nightmares. I had been to other cities were there was gene ied between religious groups but falluja was one of the worst. Destruction everywhere. I have seen dead people before, but nothing like falluja. The smell of rotting bodies. Horrible. The part of the city we went to were totally destroyed. I could still smell the bomb residue. The doctors said I am mentally incapacitated. I don blame them. My mind is so broken. The worst part is having problems making decisions and having mos conversations with people. Some days I get lucky and I am able to keep a conversation but as time goes by peoe noticed that I loose myself in conversations I stutter and when the racing thoughts attack I stop taking sometimes for more then 10 minutes most times in have to wait for the running thoughts to go down. Because the anxietylast that long. So most times I keep to myself. It is bad because it stops me from socializing. One thing that is a mtstery to me is when I type such as I am doing now there is less interruption. I feel sonconfortable. Specially because inal alone and not around people crowds. One a different not I am going to buy my lavitra medication from Canada because it seems cheaper. What do you think?

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey L, i am an Aussie. You should be proud of your service. Sorry about the 20 questions, but you were freaking a few of us out.
You are welcome on the forum though.
My opinion is that you go find an MD and a Psych you feel comfortable around. They will give you the medication you will need so you can get that broken head sorted out.

Jimmy

 

[Londonacquisition]

Thanks and inappreciate it. Sometimes when I start typing I just le it getto me and everything comes out. Were any of you ever in the war zone. I met a lot of foreign forces there. All were great soldiers. I think what really broke my Lind is that when I was in the war zone there were no medical providers to talk to. If my convoy was hi by ied or you were were exposed to a group of slaughtered group of people there was no one to talk to. No matter what we were jus told that the mission was more important then our lives. The VA system has been changing a lot ever since I was discharged. So inam hoping that that continues. I was just denied for credit foe my home. Incant get credit anywhere. I am in the process foe the VA to change my rating. I am hopin it is higher then what I have now. The reuh iq that no bank iq going to give a soldier that is mentally incapacitated a loan. I have tried getting a job but evrytime i tried my anxiety gets in the way. So I just stopped trying.

 

[Jimmy1]

Everyone on this forum has been in a warzone my man. Or else they are a partner or supporter of someone who has been in a warzone. We all have combat related PTSD and know how you feel. No one is different except for their current circumstances and their personal traumas.

 

[Fargo1]

I am having a moment. This weekend T and I decided to give it another go. I sat down with her and we had a very long conversation where I tried to describe what is going on with me. That went fine. She said she understood. Then she wanted to clear out my shit to make room for her stuff (notice MY designators there). I was totally okay with that...until we actually started doing it.

She was going through my closet asking me what shirts I wanted to get rid of. I haven't worn most of them in five or six years. But I didn't want to get rid of any of them. I started getting really anxious, heart pounding, fists balling, then I got angry, red faced, vein popping angry. Over some damn shirts! So I told her to make the decisions. Get rid of any of my clothes that she wanted to, with the proviso that she left me some clothes. But she kept asking me if I wanted this shirt, or that shirt. More frustration, more anger, starting to get directed at her. I kept telling her, I can't do this. I want to do this with her, but I can't make the decisions. What the hell, it is shirts and pants? I could really care less about them. Why I am I reacting like this?

Then I started really thinking about it. My place is a shit hole. I am an architect and a soldier. My shit was always tight. House always clean, maybe even obsessively so. Dishes washed. You all know the drill. But in the last few years all of that has broken. As I was looking at her cleaning a closet, I realized that there was a pile of dishes in the sink, Two huge piles of clothes in the bedroom. Piles of paper all over my desk...scratch that, all over every horizontal surface in the house. When I realized that, anger amplification to stratospheric levels. Took me two days to come down.

Now today, I wake up. I did not want to go to work. Just wanted to lay in my bed all day and I said as much to T. She responded that if I did that she expected me to answer my cell phone if work calls came in. What the?! Didn't you just hear me woman? That is exactly the point. I don't want to work today. That doesn't mean I don't want to go into the office. It means that I don't want to work today! I don't want to deal with all the asshats. I don't want to deal with employees asking questions. I don't want to hear the phone ringing! I DON'T WANT TO WORK TODAY!

Then I was pissed. It was all I could do not to put my fist through the wall. "Fine." I said, "I will go into work.' Threw my clothes on (the ones she deigned to leave in my closet) and started to leave.

"Do you still want to have lunch with Dan and I?" she asked. Lunch with Dan?? I never even heard her mention that.

"No. Bye." was my response as I stormed out of the house.

I just spent two hours walking the two miles to my office. Of course no employees were here as I had told them to take the day off prior to my conversation with T. All the lights are off. The doors are locked. The blinds are drawn. I am dreading the phone ringing. Can I turn the damn things off? Will I remember to turn them on again? I want to run away. Throw it all away and find a little cave somewhere. Not a house. Just a cold, dark cave.

 

[Steph_F]

:(
I am so sorry you are having one of those days! That sucks. Damn Lizard brain attacking people again, huh?

It sounds like, to me, that your anger fuse is about gone. What kinds of things help you come down from being pissed off? I'm thinking being able to actually stay home today and have some "you time" would have helped, but since that didn't happen, what else might help? I bawl like a baby when I get angry enough when things get out of my control. That's probably not your MO, though. LoL

Maybe the next time your girl wants to help you clean something, she can just put aside things that she isn't sure if you want. That way your can look through them on your own, when you are ready. When I just helped my boyfriend move, he kept telling me the same thing, "consolidate and throw"...but how could I throw anything of his or his kids away?? I feel bad, we probably packed up twice as many boxes as we would have needed to, but what if I would have thrown away something special?

As far as the house being messy...I think that if sometimes an evil lizard brain takes over now your thoughts, not giving a rat's ass about the way the house looks can maybe be a symptom of PTSD, too. Clean one side of a room at a time so it doesn't get overwhelming, having open spaces and less "stuff" closing in on you might make you feel better and any sad feelings you have can be replaced with a bit of pride. Whenever I have get the gumption to clean out my storage area, I'm taking before and after pics! haha! Granted, I'll not show a soul, but I'll love looking how my hard work paid off. Might not be a bad idea to considering hiring a once-a-month housekeeper, either. Everyone that I know with a housekeeper cleans before the cleaning service shows up anyway! LoL

In a way it makes sense that you got upset over something so small like some t-shirts, like you said, they were just clothes. I bet you have made bigger, more important decisions in your life, especially in your Army Uniform and how irritating for someone to be bugging you and questioning you about something so insignificant, ya know? Matt snapped at me once "who cares?? (about whatever I was whining and freaking out about)...it's not like if YOU make the wrong choice one of your guys could get killed"...then he realized what he said and he hung up on me. Wow! At the time I was pissed and so very hurt, but then I calmed down and thought, ya know, he's right. Maybe try explaining this to your girl.

And breathe...as slow and deep as you can...all the way from your toenails to the tippy top of your head! You control that lizard brain of yours, not the other way around!! Take care and keep talking and venting buddy!! It helps so much!