T wants me to try emdr

[BpinkJ]

I did the first step and went back to T after years of trying to self manage. I have never heard of EMDR, but the more I see I am scared. I have learned to bury my memories so deep that I am numb. I can easily say I was abused as a child with no emotion or that my life feels like hell. I am scared of having to talk about memories in detail and then those memories making me remember another and another. I was abused by my mother's boyfriend for almost 6 years. He lived with me for 6 years of which everyday was hell. Ask me to recite a specific memory other than me telling on him or the first time he exposed himself I draw a blank. I think I prefer it that way.

Is it really worth remembering all the bad things to feel better. If you could tell me one year of hell remembering, so I can feel better forever then fine. I am barely holding on between normal and full blown crazy and feel like I can be pushed over the edge any second. I have learned to bury so much I'm afraid if it comes back I will be certified crazy! I have never stayed in T long because I am afraid of the moment I have to explore my abuse. It is easier for me to act like nothing is wrong and deal with the daily anxiety, headaches, feeling like I can't breathe, no sleep and being jumpy all the time. I am barely functioning now but am so scared that I am going to be thrown over the edge. Should I tell T (new one and have only had one session) that I don't want to do it? I really feel like not going back and trying to find something to keep my mind busy. I know I'm fooling myself because for the last 11 months things have gotten worse and I haven't been able to pull myself back out like usual. I think that part in me might be able to now just thinking if I don't I will have to do EMDR. I don't want the guilt, shame, anger, hopelessness to all come back. I think I am willing to sacrifice my happiness to keep those buried.

 

[blueangel371115]

I realize we are all different, whether it be traumas, personalities, etc. but my T explained it like this ( I was scared) it gives you on opportunity to process it in a constructive way and be able to lock a mental door behind it so it can't hurt you anymore. The trauma will still be there just it doesn't come out and hurt you.

 

[BpinkJ]

The thing is...I feel like it is already locked behind a door...I just still have physical symptoms and mood swings (flashbacks sometimes) but they are more with what is going on at the moment. I have anxiety all day long. Any little thing in my life that goes side ways puts me into a flare. I guess I like to explain it as the trauma that happened when I was a child messed me up and made me so messed up that I can't deal with the little day to day life stuff as a normal person. I have locked most away. If I struggle with day to day life now with out those memories how will I be once I have to remember and explore those memories?

 

[blueangel371115]

I have the same fears. I feel mine is locked in a pressure tank but I just noticed the bleed valve was broke. A little has been leaking out all along but not enough to notice. I thought I had controlled it for years. Mine is from several trauma incidents from child to an adult. I felt really wiped and raw after my appointment but I love my T ( as a T) already. I felt safe to open up to her. Which for me is hard. However, she said when we start that if I want to stop, we stop. But she wants to do this to drain my PTSD cup a bit so I can handle everyday life better, so I'm not anxious, angry, etc. It won't be easy but it may help in the long run. I have similar fears but I'm afraid what will happen if I don't. I'd discuss your apprehension with your T and go from there.

 

[BpinkJ]

You describe how I feel exactly. All built up but somewhat controlled. I have had outbursts in previous years but have always been able to get myself back on track. This past year I haven't so I went back to T. This is a new T and I always pick a new one each time. I am afraid I will be judged from starting and stopping if I go back to the same that I saw before. I haven't been able to calm my anxiety or sleep for months. It has taken a told so went back to T this week for the first time. Yes I can open up and be general but have NEVER talked in detail about anything that has happened to me, which was 6 years of abuse and then traumatic events as a young adult.

 

[Leighlee87]

Okay I have a long history of child abuse, molestation, rape, along with significant trauma from a few years ago. I was terrified going into EMDR because it does bring up a lot of memories that you very vaguely remember and for me, a couple I had completely forgotten had happened. It's different to push those memories behind a locked door as a way of coping with them versus what happens during emdr. EMDR is going to be really hard, I'm not going to lie. But I promise, you'll be okay. Your therapist would never have you do it otherwise. At the final end of emdr you'll be able to take out those images, look at them, lock them back up if you wish, and emotionally feel fine doing so. It's really freeing and liberating because you no longer have all the negative emotions and the fight to hold it in the background. Whereas you likely know what happened to you, you can't bring those memories to the forefront. Now you can chose to do so, make a more coherent timeline, and it wont hurt. The anxiety, depression, everything life. In the long run, I promise it is worth it.

As I said, it's hard. You're going to feel worse before you feel better. You'll see things and remember things that you didn't want to. But even so, some of those memories will continue to feel vague and distant. Just like normal life, you won't remember the details of everything. Saying the details out loud, you only have to say as much as you want to. There are moments where I've shook my head and said no, my therapist has been okay with it and let me go the next few passes without saying anything, she only asked if I was okay. Many other times I made very vague references to what happened. So, for example, seeing a graphic sexual scene, I'd only say "I can't get him off." That's enough.
I've taken a six month break from emdr and we are getting ready to specifically tackle the sexual abuse, and I too am afraid to say any of the details out loud. But nothing I say will be anything she hasn't heard before, and I can be as vague as possible as we go and that's okay.

I promise it's worth it. You'll find a lot of peace if you can push yourself through the process.

 

[BpinkJ]

I have only met with this T once. I don't know if I am comfortable with her yet. A lot of my memories are abuse, rape, foster care, parents drug addiction....on and on. I was the second oldest of 6 and first born girl. I hold a lot of guilt about not protecting my siblings and the abuse went on for 6 years in my house. I have learned to bury that. I am now affected by stuff that is not abuse but laying awake at night wondering if the house caught on fire if I could get all my children out, not being able to shower because I'm afraid someone will come get me...monsters in the dark..... Am I having these issues because of my abuse and for them to go away need to tackle that part of my life? Or can I just go over these moments to feel better? I guess what I am asking is has my mind blocked enough out that it is finding other things to make me stress and feel like I am having a heart attack everyday? I worry abut everything but the abuse, which to me is really weird. It's hard to explain and I hope this makes sense. I just don't want to have fresh wounds again if I don't have too.

 

[blueangel371115]

I'm no therapist but I think you did block it but in such a way that it can subconsciously bother/hurt you. Yes, you've put it aside but not 'dealt' with it. Part of you wants to or needs to. If I were to guess. It's like it is deferring it to a kind of stress/pain easier for you to deal with. Since you haven't quite developed a rapport with her ( your T) , let her know how you feel and you may want to wait and see how you feel just talking. But to get better and develop healthy coping skills, you probably will need to, eventually, bring them out and process them. So they are there but don't hurt you or affect you as much. But it doesn't have to be today, or even a month from now. The T should let you lead a little bit. But that is all my understanding as my T explained to me.

 

[BpinkJ]

That makes sense to me. I feel like I am getting worse day by day and that is why I went back to T. I am really scared at where my own thoughts are going this time and I told my T I want weekly sessions. I am hoping I can get back to my normal soon.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

i tried it a bit on friday for my fireworks phobia, not exactly sure how it helps phobias. it was ok. nothing too drastic