Taking Life One Hour At A Time.

[Ega]

Hey,

So I thought I'd take some advice from people on here and talk a little bit about my life and the reasons I'm here. I also notice people put warnings up about trauma triggers so I feel I must warn you that there is talk of sexual and emotional abuse in this and bullying.

I was born deaf and blind.. I don't know why. The only reason I know that was the way I entered this world is because my family reminded me constantly of the burden I was when I was born. How I was a nightmare, how I cried all the time and they used to call me rot in her cot. They resented me from the moment I was born and they've never had any problems making that known to me. My mother was an alcoholic and drug addict and my father who I rarely saw was addicted to cocaine. Every night mother would bring home a different man from the pub she frequented and my brother and I would lay awake at night waiting for the noises to stop so that we could sleep. My brother is a year older than me and it comes as no surprise to me that he raped me. From the age of 6 to maybe 11 he would force me to sleep with him. I dont blame him for what he did... he was a child and how could he have known what he was doing was wrong? When all he knew was the example my mother had set. I blame her for it. For all the times I woke her up and begged her to make it stop and she didn't. I blame her that I lost my virginity to one of the many alcoholics she bought home from the pub who used a knife when she was passed out in bed too drunk to wake up when I went to her crying and covered in blood. Ive had flashbacks recently of that. Just seeing a knife covered in blood and this intense wave of emotion, violation, hatred, shame. When the sexual abuse stopped the emotional continued. My brother and his friends would taunt me and call me fat. They'd attack me constantly and I fought back but id never win. Of course in my mothers eyes it was just boys being boys and as I inspected the fresh bruises in the mirror I had to wonder. When I was 12 I tried to kill myself. And now of course they've held that over my head ever since. I am the black sheep, scape goated and disgraced by my own actions so they are alleviated of any guilt they may have felt before my attempt. After much therapy I went to a new school where I met my ex. I clung to him.. he was the first person beside my nan who had ever shown me kindness without rules or demands. He was mentally ill. His family were too. He had Aspd. And for 8 years I stuck with him putting up with abuse, being dragged out of bed in the middle of night, working when I turned 16 to pay his familys bills and debts. Putting up with his lies and violence. I dont know why I didnt leave sooner.

Now I find myself living back with my mother to help out with my little sister who attacks me daily and once again I hear my mother say you're both as bad as each other. Funny that, she's 4. I'm 23. I inspect the fresh bruises daily and wonder why?

I was diagnosed with Cptsd in January. I attend therapy once a week and its changed me. Im stronger. Im learning to love me and my life and ive learned that for the moment I am alone and thats ok. I'm using cbt to recondition my brain. To say I deserve better instead of saying im worthless.

This isnt all of my story. Theres much more but thats as best I can summarise for you at the moment.

 

[Ohani]

So sorry for all that you've gone through. By the way, we don't generally do trigger warnings here. You can share freely what you need to share.

Your four-year-old little sister is bruising you every day? If she is acting out so badly at four years old with a mother with a history of being so horrible, it might be time to call child protective services and have them look into seeing if your little sister is getting abused. Especially if your mother is still drinking and drugging.

She's 4. Kids that age throw tantrums but not to the point of daily bruising the adults around them. You are 23. You have to protect her and get her help, not just be victimized by her. You were helpless as a kid. You are not helpless anymore. It's time for you to get out of that toxic house. You can't save your sister when you have been so traumatized and it's still so early in trauma therapy - but you can contact professionals who can.

You were born deaf and blind? How did that improve? I assume it did since you could hear people call you names and see the bruises. People who are born deaf and blind rarely ever gain sight and vision later on. It's quite the miracle!

 

[Ega]

I still have hearing problems im not completely deaf but have no hearing in one ear and I use glasses but generally I guess its a miracle despite not actually believing in them haha. I dont remember it at all to be honest. I remember being very sensitive to loud noises and I have what I think is called photophobia? I might have the term wrong so sunglasses pretty much all year round.
My mother doesnt drink or do drugs anymore and my sister isnt abused. Shes a little princess. Spoilt rotten.

Thanks for your reply.

 

[Oriwet]

That's pretty amazing that you can hear and see as well as you can! You are a gem!

If your sister is daily injuring people, that's pretty severe. It's not going to work out well for her when she goes to school. I would suggest learning all you can about how to parent a kid like that. While you are not the parent, it might help you learn ways to handle her tantrums better. I don't think you can expect your mom to help. She's always seen you as the black sheep and sadly, I don't think it will change in the near future. It's very wrong of her to do - very wrong. You are treasure, a miracle. You should be cherished. Not just your little sister.

My brother was the spoiled one, while I was the black sheep. As an adult, he wishes he had never been so spoiled - it was hurtful to him. Kids need love and gentle boundaries. It seems like you got extreme rejection and your sister is getting extreme spoiling. Since you are living there to help with her, I would learn all you can about time out's and other ways to help kids learn to regulate themselves. If gentle time outs and rules and consistency doesn't calm down her behavior, I would still pursue outside help for her. It's not normal behavior for a 4 year old to be bruising other adults on a daily basis. It happens sometimes, but not daily. She is clearly a kid out of control. She needs help, and your mom clearly won't do it.