Relationship Taking The Burden

[Jaynis]

I'm not quite sure what to expect back, but I guess I'll just write.

I'm 20 years old and in a relationship with my girlfriend who is a sufferer of PTSD. She's been through some horrible stuff; I won't say what out of decency.

Often we're alright. Sometimes it's great! we've got a really strong connection and codependency. She means the world to me and I mean the world to her. And usually, apart from the odd moment when she zones out and thinks about the flashback (which I help her with, of course. Just sitting with her, holding her etc) she's stable.

Recently though it got really bad. I was doing more to talk to her, encouraging her to open up and discuss things with me. And we made a lot of progress. However, I think the fact she had to face the issue and think a lot about it was painful for her.

For a couple of days she was at an all-time low. I had to run back to the house to get my phone and left her on a bench. She wasn't saying much so I thought she'd want to think for a bit.

When I come back she's thinking, then she starts to cry and she tells me she wanted to throw herself into traffic, and that I was the only thing stopping her.

Since then I've become so much more uneasy. I actually cried thinking about the thought of her killing herself, like I was mourning her. Once I got paralletic at a club with some mates and completely broke down into tears, crying violently apparantly for 20 minutes. I'm zoning out as well thinking about her. It's almost like I'm taking her pain away from her but putting it onto myself in pure empathy.

She's better now. I can't think of another way to help her relieve her of the emotional burden she carries. It's a long and painful process. She's already said she'd rather bottle her emotions and not talk about them because she doesn't want me to feel bad.

I'm happy to take it on. A burden shared is a burden halved, and I'd rather hold up half of it than have her take the whole load. I feel like I'm doing a lot of good for her. I just feel uneasy about this now.

I won't break up with her or anything, and I don't really know what I want to hear back. Just empathy I suppose. Is this just a form of shock? will it pass?

Thanks,
Jaynis

 

[amethist]

Hi Jaynis

Welcome to the forum.

Taking on the role of a therapist is not really what you should be doing. Much as you may wish to help your girlfriend, you are not trained to do this, which is why you are now feeling so uneasy about it all.

Listen if she want to talk, but not push her if she backs off. there is a fine line between supporting and taking her pain on board yourself.

Helping and encouraging her to find a good trauma therapist is a much better idea. Being there supporting her, holding her when she is in pain from all this, is what you should do, but not take on the burden of her trauma, this will not help either of you in the future.

One question for you though, you state in your post above that you are 20, yet your profile says 18. just wondered which age you actually are. ???

Amethist

 

[Jaynis]

Sorry, this is a spare e-mail account I made a while ago, so the age might be wrong. I am 20 :)

I know, she doesn't want to seek a therapist. I'm like the only one she talks to. I'm not obtuse or anything; I don't force her to say anything. I just talk to her about it. I don't push her away, I respect her space and know sometimes she won't speak. That's when I'm just there for her to hold.

I can't help but help her. and I am helping her. She won't see a therapist. If I can't talk to her she'll hold it all in. And that will make it even worse.

It's more that I just worry about her. that's where the pain comes from.

 

[Tosh]

It sounds like you are very supportive and understanding! That is wonderful, but noone can compare to a GOOD PTSD therapist! Since you are so supportive and caring maybe help her find one? Support groups can work wonders too. Seek out the help now, cause sometimes it takes a while before you will actually be able to see someone.

I put it off till things were really bad, I tried to deny it, only to put myself through more suffering. Sharing the trauma I went through did not make me better. Talking with my significant other helped, but it hurt our relationship in the long run. One thing that does help me is having someone to confort me when I'm scared. To grab me by the shoulders and just tell me "I'm good enough" and "I'm safe". Just some suggestions.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself as well. It is alot to deal with. Get help for yourself if you need it, if your healthy you will be better able to support her. Reading up on PTSD could also help you get a better understanding of what she's dealing with. There are lots of helpful articles on this site.

Much luck to you!

 

[Tosh]

I didn't think I needed a therapist at first too. I wish I would have went anyway. I became very depressed, my life became unmanageable, I tried to stay in denial, but my life was falling apart. My boyfriend told me I needed help. I tried not to believe him at first, but after awhile I knew he was right.

 

[Jaynis]

Thanks tosh, I do :) I want her to see a therapist, but I can't force her to. It's something she's got to decide for herself.

To be honest, Out of all the stress and near-suicide I talked about, at the end I actually really helped her change the way she looked at herself. Afterwards She was really happy afterwards. It was a small victory, but an important one for me.

I guess I'm being too empathic. I just worry about her. I don't force her to think a certain way, just talk to her. I know I'll never cure her, but I feel the worst when I'm not supporting her.

 

[Tosh]

That sounds great, but here are a few questions you should ask yourself: Do you have experience with this kind of stuff? Are you sure she's not just telling you what you want to hear? Is this going to be a permenant change? I'm not trying to say you didn't help her or anything, just trying to be realistic. This is comming from someone who suffers from ptsd. I am happy that you are so supportive and everything. Just so you know ptsd is not curable. No matter how great of a person you are (and I'm sure you are a great person) to her, it won't make the ptsd go away. Oh and just so you know, I'm in therapy and when my symptoms get worse, well that's when I'm actually making progress. You are absolutly right about her not getting help until she wants it, but be careful that you are not enabling her not to get help. It helped me that my boyfriend kept suggesting it, instead of trying to "fix" me. That's how I knew he truely cared about me, not just his ego.

 

[Tosh]

I know I'll never cure her, but I feel the worst when I'm not supporting her.

Sorry, guess you already know about that! You know you can always support her. That is very important, but I know it must be hard at times.

 

[Jaynis]

Thanks Tosh. I know quite a lot about PTSD. I've been doing research on it and she talks to me about what happens. I'm not a therapist but I've read advice online (this site's been great for answering a few questions). I know it's not curable, but it can be relieved right?

I'm sure she's being honest with me. The fact she was genuinely happy and completely changed her mood after I talked to her and the fact she didn't have flashbacks during the night and slept well, plus two more days of feeling happy indicates it wasn't her just "telling me what I wanted to hear". She is honest with me. I know it won't be permanent and I know PTSD cannot be cured. But I can help her sleep better at night.

I can't get her to see a therapist. I'd love her to. But she doesn't want to see one. I'll keep recommending it, but that's a major choice she's not willing to take. So I'm just trying to do what I can.

Thanks for the advice Tosh, I appreciate it and I will consider it. Hopefully when she opens up a bit more (which she is doing) she'll feel better about seeing a therapist.

 

[Jaynis]

"You are absolutly right about her not getting help until she wants it, but be careful that you are not enabling her not to get help"

How do you mean?

 

[Tosh]

I used to "lean" on my boyfriend for support/help before I saw a professional. He would talk to me, make me feel better for awhile. It did help, but it was only temporary,and things kept getting worse. I was in denial about needing professional help. I thought maybe he could "fix" me, since talking to him made me feel better. Time after time I would feel better, then worse, then he talk to me and I'd feel better, then worse. Each time the worse would hit a new low. He got fustrated cause I kept going forwards then backwards over and over agian.

It burdened our relationship to the point of needing to go to couple's therapy

It was hard for me to get help. Eventually when the pain to stay the same was worse then the pain it took to change, well I changed. I started with believe it or not Alanon support groups. I joined cause there are alcoholics in my family and it was more confortable for me to focus on than my traumas. The message of self worth that group brought to me finally sunk in after a few months. I really started to believe I deserved to get better, I was worth it. It was my first step to getting help. Alanon also make you so aware of your own behaviors, my eyes got opened and I could really see I needed help.

I guess what I'm trying to say is (like me) if she feels you can make her feel better, then maybe she thinks she dosen't need therapy. Well, that's what I thought in the begining, before our relationship started to crumble and my ptsd got worse. Your obviously in it for the long haul, and I want to prepare you.
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[Jaynis]

Yeah, thanks Tosh. I understand what you're saying now. That's actually been really helpful :) I'll remember this in the future