Talking about csa in therapy

[hymnless]

I go through this with my therapist occasionally- get close to disclosing, panic, pretend nothing is going on, then have to tell her later that I lied. Generally speaking I end up telling her the truth in writing (either an email or my journal that she reads) and she doesn’t really address it. Recently I stumbled into a really big disclosure that I had never intended to make ever and I apologized in the moment for telling her previously there was nothing else to put on my trauma timeline. She simply said “you don’t owe me anything” and we moved on.

It’s about trusting yourself enough to share and trusting them enough to hold that space with you once it comes out. If for some reason one of those things is missing, don’t be too hard on yourself- it’ll come soon.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you again everyone! Therapy is tomorrow :nailbiting:

I’ve decided to try the approach of saying it was hard to talk about before... etc to open the door to my ommission.

Then for actually talking about it, I want to somehow tell him we need to take @Abstract approsch of kind of edging our way in, so to speak. How would you describe that? In as few words as possible lol. The more nervous I get the harder it is for me to speak.

I’m also going to try reassuring myself that I’m only going to do what’s in my best interests, and cross my fingers for good measure lol

 

[piratelady]

More or less... I did it! I didn’t talk about the incident I asked about initially a couple weeks ago, but instead about another situation that’s been troubling me. It was hard.

I wound up telling him the parts of the memory that were a little easier. He couldn’t understand why It hurt me as much as it clearly did. Which makes sense, getting yelled at over washing your face doesn’t make sense considering how upset I was, but he tried to understand it. Anyway, we changed the subject and eventually I was able to tell him that it’s odd that my mom moved us away to protect us from a child molester only to marry one a few years later.

After that he said that he knew what I was trying to tell him earlier without having to say it so much. After that we were able to talk about some of the aftermath of that particular incident.

Wow that was hard. Hard, but ultimately beneficial I think.

So thank you all for the advice and encouragement

 

[Tinyflame]

I think you did really good @piratelady . :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I just came back to say this,, but Idk if these are the right words..

I was just thinking I am so glad I don't have to talk to anyone today, right now, at all, in any capacity, and I was feeling quite sad, and my head is swimming. I went outside to do some work. I felt and was reminded of such times for me from your post. But then also from your post I remembered that a friend responded to me also as you experienced. And how all these kinds of unspoken topics, well , it's the realization- after the fact- that blame or disgust (expressed), etc didn't follow, none of that. For that I feel grateful, for the way they are, for the process; for disclosure, for the support/ acceptance (healing). It helps each time to lay something to rest.

And then I looked down a couple of minutes later when trimming (going to cut the 'hay'- it's been a drought/ heatwave),, and there was a quite perfectly shaped heart shaped rock with a flat side, shimmering in the sun, which is why it caught my eye - quartz pieces in it, at my feet in the grass. And I felt that, such disclosures should be something that I should be allowing myself to feel good about, happy about,, grateful for, that it is progress, healing. A (very) good thing.

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

shaped rock

Oh, and a white butterfly! :)
(Sorry I missed the edit, one with me as I'm cutting the grass- reminded me. :) )

Thanks for sharing your courage @piratelady . :hug:

 

[piratelady]

For that I feel grateful, for the way they are, for the process; for disclosure, for the support/ acceptance (healing). It helps each time to lay something to rest.

It's funny, I went in there expecting to talk about and analyze every bit of that memory, forgetting how he told me before that we don't have to talk about all the gory details. Instead, he knows I was molested, he knows about how old I was. Other than that, he was just more supportive, helping me understand it better. I never felt dirty or shameful from telling him. I even feel less ashamed about that particular incident now. That is something I'm grateful for. I know this is the tip of the iceberg and it will continue to be hard, but it's one step in the right direction.

shimmering in the sun, which is why it caught my eye - quartz pieces in it, at my feet in the grass.

The rock sounds really pretty!

Thanks for sharing your courage

Maybe someday it will help someone else find the courage to share their story even though it's so hard.

Thank you :) :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @piratelady . And sometimes there's even a feeling there's nothing to talk about. But sharing even small details/ bigger courage, and not being shamed, helps reduce all the big after-effects that seem to be left, despite the minimizing/ avoidance (of many years). Mind you, I find I would classify even SI as 'small' (for myself), like, it's not a 'real' problem , and seems so shameful. Even though it could be a life ending one. But the 'why's'/ complications of why it even seems preferable, comes back to a whole lot, past.

 

[Abstract]

You are amazing. Well done well done. I am so pleased for you and it takes enormous courage. Your t sounds wonderful too.