Talking About It

[MyStarryNight]

Okay, so I've been diagnosed and in therapy for about two months. Right now we've been focusing on safety. I've been learning how to relax myself through breathing during flashbacks and how to deal with my intense emotions since I've had some really negative coping skills going on. Everything I've been learning has really helped A LOT and I have a really good relationship with my therapist. The weird thing is that when I started therapy I came in for dealing with my childhood abuse, the stuff that took place in my house and with my family. But as my flashbacks have increased tenfold I have had new memories, memories of childhood sexual abuse that have been quite horrifying. I've figured out a way to talk around this enough to let my therapist know what was going on but we actually haven't had a real conversation about it yet. Like I said we've been focusing on safety. Anyways last week we brought up talking about it and discussed the pros and cons and how I feel about it and what the process will be like later in the future of working through the flashbacks. I guess I don't know I just feel like I'm at this place where I need to talk about it. LIke I'm going to explode if I don't. But I'm so completely terrified. I mean this stuff is horrifying, like worst nightmare horrifying. It's so bad sometimes I really doubt if it could be true. I guess I'm just worried that my counselor is going to run away screaming or drop me as a client or react in some very negative way. Which is weird because he's never given me any sign of anything like that it's just I can't understand why someone would chose to listen to this stuff, this horrifying abuse.

Any advice?

 

[Zipperhead]

Why would anyone volenteer to get shot at? I did it for 22 years. Only got hit once, what's the big deal? I guess in the end, there are people out there that care enough to listen. And I need them to listen the same as you do. Believe me, you are not going to scare them away. It's thier job, and allot of them are good at it. So if you got a good one, rejoice. Tell them what they need to know. They can't fix it if they don't know what's broke.

 

[J'aime]

I'm right there with you. The are things that happened to me that I have yet to tell a single soul. There are things that I don't even write about in any therapy journal, diary, etc. They are things I simply try to convince myself never happened...or try to convince myself that if I don't think about them, they nver existed.

However, part of the healing process is to get it all out of you. Personally, I came to a realization recently... Some of the things that happened to me were so morbid and sickening that my fiance doesn't even know about them. But what I realized is thst I am damaging myself by keeping it inside, feeling as though I can't tell anyone, because then it begins to feel like a "dirty little secret" that I should be ashamed of.

Truth is, your therapist is the to help you. And he/she has probably heard a lot of stuff that even would shudder at. There are people who seek therapy in order to fight back urges to molest children, even! So think about all the things your therapist has probably heard already, and know thst he/she got ito thst line of profession because their goal is to help people.

Help cannot come your way unless you hash it all out, and get it out of you...becauses that's where this sickness is thriving: in you. Get it all out there. Trust in yourself, trust in your therapist, and tell your disorder that it has controlled you long enough! Let it all out there, and at the very least, you will feel better that some of the pent up emotions have been released.

Go get 'em! :)

 

[maddog]

You've been given some excellent advice already. The overwhelming need to "get it all out" is actually an excellent and very healthy sign - it indicates that you have formed a trusting relationship with your T and that your brain is ready and armed for battle... and of course it is a battle that will most likely take a heavy toll in the short term, but it really is a case of needing to go there, to go all the way in, in order to come out on the other side.

It sounds as though you have made fantastic progress already and are now ready to tackle the worst of the worst. No platitudes here - it's going to be tough - but trust in the wisdom and rsilience of your T and, most particularly, of yourself - and know that all of us here are cheering for you too.

Let us know how you go, and remember, it won't be this hard forever, it just won't be, and all of these thoughts and feelings are not you, they're just thoughts and feelings, and the past is over now and can't hurt you anymore. Go back into those memories and be there for as long as you need to... and then come out safe on the other side.

Maddog

 

[Martin Taylor]

The people ahead of me are right. Talk when you are ready. A good T will wait and listen. Every time I think I have something too terrible, shameful, or whatever to talk about it turns out my T has heard something similar or worse already. You are not alone in this, your T is a resource that you chose to see. Use that resource. Maddog is correct, go back and come out safe.

 

[Martin Taylor]

Oh by the way, it is not easy and you might get discouraged. Hang in there. It gets better.

 

[Hashi]

I'm sorry you're facing such extreme and horrific memories. Talking in therapy really is very healing, but you need to pace yourself and give yourself time to process things.

I've also wondered why on earth trauma therapists do the work they do. Having said that, I know case workers for charities like Amnesty International who are frequently asked how they can do that type of work, and they say that while you need to know the horror of people's experiences, what you focus on is that you can help them and you're making a difference. I think for good trauma therapists it's a calling, they're born healers and this is the form that healing takes for them.

If the focus so far has been on safety it sounds like you have a good therapist. You'll need every resource you've built up to be able to talk about your experiences. I suggest trying to talk about a relatively small thing first, to see how that feels, and to keep talking with your therapist about the effects of talking about things. I've also always talked a lot about my concerns before disclosing something - for example that my therapist wouldn't believe it, or would think I'm disgusting, or that I'd have a terrible reaction to telling. It helps to keep things as safe as possible.

I know you might feel like diving in and unburdening yourself, but telling something that has been hidden for so long can have a big effect, so I'd test the water first.

 

[MyStarryNight]

Hashi, thanks so much for your post! I needed a reminder of how important it is not to push too fast. I'm usually one of those people who just likes to plow through things so I can get to the other side. LOL, when I'm running I always run fastest up hill. But I think this is something I can't push through. I need to as you say, pace myself. Otherwise I'm going to wind up dissociating and unsafe. I also like your idea about talking to my t about my feelings about sharing. I think that will really help me feel even safer and more able to share when the timing is right.