Talking About Myself Has Me Start Falling Apart - Trapped.

[EvenStrongerNow]

I'm open with people more and more today because I realize that isolation keeps me from moving forward.
(It's not as easy as this one sentence, but I didn't want to overwhelm anyone because I can get quite wordy)

I share my life with people because I want to help them. I have this belief that transparency helps other people to feel more comfortable in connecting. And I've learned to quell the fear that someone might be judging me because of what I shared. That takes some time to get to that place, and you will get there.

With each new person, I ask them questions about themselves and about their life. When I can, I relate to them in the struggles that they share with my story. For me, this process turns around and helps me. It shows me that I'm not alone. The feeling that I'm not alone keeps me moving forward.

As soon as I feel like I'm the only one, I become depressed and get stuck.

Then, there are other moments when the other person doesn't share their story. I believe in that sense, outside of your T's office, stick with sharing only things that you are comfortable with. Going into details, for me, causes that inner war and makes me feel like I'm falling apart. It could mean that the person I'm sharing with doesn't know what I'm going through and that's okay. I need to share that stuff with people who do instead. For me, that feels safer. Or, it could just mean that I haven't processed it yet so I need to save that for my T appointments where I know it's safe.

Either way, I know you will find a balance and soon, will come a day that you will find a little space inside clearing up regarding this struggle.

I feel like I'm rambling and maybe I don't understand your post at all. I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you Gizmo, Hashi, Scaredandlonely, QPC and strongernow. Apologies for not coming back and thank you strongernow as your post was a bit of a push.

I need to stop avoiding at least enough to discuss the avoidance! :rolleyes: Going to try to sleep for an hour but hopefully I will be back tonight...

 

[Pencil]

Welcome back to your thread, Abstract! :)

 

[Abstract]

Thank you again. :)

Most of the time I think everything is just perfect and fine and in some ways it is better and then the reality strikes like now. My life is such a mess. If I manage to do what I need to in the next 6 days it will truly be a miracle. My reality spins constantly.

I also don't care to work out how long I have had this lump in my breast without having it checked. And I can't care either. I am starting to be convinced it is some sneaky form of self harm. Or possibly just plain garden variety avoidance.

Apologies all. I shall answer your lovely responses.

 

[Pencil]

how long I have had this lump in my breast without having it checked.

For goodness sake, Abstract!

But then again, I did the same, and it turned out to be benign.

Okay, so when are you going?

In my case it was avoidance - as my reasoning was that if was malignant, I would not be able to cope with the reality, the impact, the consequences, the emotions etc related to the possibility.

Have you actually just ASKED yourself why you are stalling? I bet you haven't. Just sit down and simply ask yourself. Once you know the answer, you can start doing something sensible :)

 

[Hashi]

I also don't care to work out how long I have had this lump in my breast without having it checked. And I can't care either.

OK, don't care but do go to the doctor.

Just make an appointment. That's all you have to do as a first step and it will take only a few minutes. You can do that bit, right? If the next 6 days are hectic, then make it for the week starting Monday 15th. We're onto you now, so no more avoiding. :)

I'd actually do the opposite of Pencil! It's the kind of situation where I would deliberately switch off in order to make the appointment and get myself there. I'd have to go without thinking about it. (A tendency to dissociate does have its uses.)

 

[Abstract]

Thank you Pencil and Hashi. :)

At a wild guess I think it's about 5 months now. Not clever.

why

Pencil it is too triggering and since I am Miss Avoidance these days and hanging onto my relative stability for dear life I haven't seemed able to take that step.

The only thing that has nearly worked so far is thinking that if it is malignant I would have to have many more examinations.

Glad yours was benign.

We're onto you now, s

:laugh:

deliberately switch off in order to make the appointment and get myself there

That works for me too actually. Its a matter of trying to leave the drama out of it. As long as I don't switch off so much thta I don't do anything which is what tends to happen. I live in Lala land most of the time still it seems.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Please go Abstract!

I was experiencing pain that I ignored and lalala'ed for years. As long as I pretended it wasn't a big deal I also didn't have to deal with the accompanying feelings if something was seriously wrong or the anxiety of having to actually tell the doctor (plus have them touch me). Everything was fine, but the avoidance took such a toll on me.

 

[Pencil]

I'm a fine one to talk, you know!? I've been having abdominal pain. I need to see a doc as well. And I forgot all about it when I posted earlier :eek:

 

[quaintpapercut]

You go to! My goodness. We are not very good at taking care of ourselves are we?

Oh, and Abstract your post has me thinking about my own feelings of speaking about myself and how disorienting it all is when it happens. I started a thread a while back about quitting therapy and I CAN'T GO BACK to it. I feel so guilty that people put the time and energy in to post responses but the thought of reading about myself (even when I was the author) makes me want to dive for cover.

 

[Abstract]

QPC,

Thank you! I am glad you got checked out eventually and sorry it took so long.

We are not very good at taking care of ourselves are we?

Its funny as I am convinced that I am the self care queen these days. And in many ways I am. I feed and water myself just as good self carer should. I clothe myself in an appropriate and self caring way. I am pretty good with boundaries. All things that were beyond me before for so long. And then I have a moment of clarity and realise that so much is still not ideal. :cautious: I seem to need to micromanage everything for it to happen.

f speaking about myself and how disorienting it all is when it happens.

I have very much related to things you have said in the past and remember that thread! I am sorry you have this happen too.

The site is scattered with threads abandoned and unanswered. There is one about denial that I have been attempting to get back to for an age. And I too hate that I leave peoples responses unanswered. I would hate for others to feel undervalued. And it isn't as if I don't want to! Thats what makes it so painful. Like being frozen in a block of ice. Trying to get out.

All I can say is that for me on the receiving end I don't mind if someone doesn't come back. As there is obviously so much that could be happening that I don't know about.

 

[Abstract]

Pencil!

pain.

Off to the Dr you go!

benign.

So glad! :)

I forgot

Its astonishing how that happens isnt it?!