Talking About Sex

[Meadowsweet]

I think I trust my therapist to be professional and know what she's doing. And I understand why there are things that I need to re-live and process, and the methods that she uses to help me to do that. But it feels very un-natural for me to talk about sexual experiences in detail.

What I mean by un-natural, is that even if there was no trauma attached to it and it was all wonderful, I wouldn't share my sexuality with even female friends. It's just one of those subjects that I feel should be private and kept between the people involved.

My therapy homework for next week was to write about the experience we are working on in more detail. I've done it. But I know my therapist will say it's better if I read it out to her (she did last time).

I want to be willing to do everything she asks, because I want to get better. But I keep practising reading this out and I feel myself getting annoyed at the therapist for making me share it.

I'm sorry, I am struggling to explain. It's like, I know I need to write it in detail for my recovery and that my therapist is only interested in my recovery. But reading it out feels humilating and against my personal principles because I wouldn't share my personal sexual experiences with even the closest friends. It's so far away from my personality to do that.

So I don't know where to draw the line regarding talking openly about bodily parts and sexual experiences in therapy.

 

[Jen93]

It seems like you have boundaries now- about not sharing sexual stuff- irrelevant sexual stuff with your T. I suggest you tell her that those boundaries are going to be placed- if it's not relevant, I don't see why you should have to share and read it out loud to your T IMHO.

Good job on discovering the boundary! Now you just need to put it in place. :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Sorry, I probably havn't explained very well.

It is a relevant traumatic experience, that I know I need to deal with.

I'm ok with sharing, I felt forced and was upset etc. But it's sharing the detail, like he touched there, did this etc. that I'm struggling with.

 

[want2cope]

How exactly is that going to help you with your recovery? If you feel that strongly about that issue then I believe your therapist should be understanding and not push you. To me it sounds like a personal boundary issue. If I were you I would have your therapist explain how this would be beneficial to your recovery and if it didn't change your mind, don't do it. Much love.

 

[want2cope]

Oh, I see. You probably feel forced and upset because you are having to relive the tramatic event. I think you should read aloud your story. I believe it could be a start to a healing process. This should be looked at different than talking about your sex life with friends. Although this might take you out of your comfort zone, I believe the pros out weigh the cons. Good luck and much love. Happy healing!

 

[maddog]

Meadowsweet, I understand exactly what you are saying and am currently feeling and experiencing the same dilemma with regard to discussion of the same sort of event.

Do I know the perfect solution? Hell, no, I wish I did, wish I knew any way to stop feeling horrible and awkward and humiliated and as though I just can't go there, even though in theory I am ok with it and my mind wants to.

I do think that writing it out first and practicing reading it out loud will help, that's what I intend to do and to see how it goes. I also think it's probably appropriate to discussa your concerns with your T, just so that the issue of that boundarycrossing can be properly dealt with and not just pushed aside. Perhaps actually discussing the concern will minimise it... I hope.

Just wanted you to know I'm with you on this one.

Maddog

 

[Meadowsweet]

It really does help to know that others feel this way too.

But today I was getting upset and angry in my head, thinking about people who did nothing to help when I needed somebody to step in and help me out.

I always feel like people want to turn a blind eye to the reality of abuse. Even people who would be there offering words of support through illness, divorce, death of a loved one seem to find interpersonal abuse too difficult.

But I recognise that I have that attitude about abuse that I've experienced. I cover it up and don't talk about it, as if by keeping it hidden it won't be real. Its ingrained in me that it's ok to be hurt as long as nobody finds out. But that puts me in danger, or keeps me in danger.

So it would be good to get over that fear.

 

[Lucycat]

I absolutely could not say that sort of stuff out loud. I have written things down for T to read. He has never made me read it out loud. I could not. I am not a prude, but it is so personal. Writing it, IMHO , is a huge step, and as far as I could manage. He has never asked more of me than that.

It is MY therapy. MY recovery. I need to feel in control. If I chose to say intimate stuff it MUST be my choice.

I am not sure if I am making sense here, but I really feel you should not be pushed to do or say anything you are not comfortable with.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think this is a trauma wound that goes deep into the core of who we are. The fact that we need a sympathetic witness, and there is none. Or worse they turn a blind eye, for whatever reason.

I went to a seminar and I first heard the term sympathetic witness. I only had a sympathetic witness in my grandmothers about the way that I was raised. But I kept silent and did not talk about it to them. I don't think I talked about it until I moved out of the home and got married.

Not talking about it can be a long ingrained habit. We do not know what to say. When I'm used to bad things happening to me, and I dumbly accept it without a fight, I go numb. I think I grew up numb.

I cannot cry. I haven't grieved over anything. Talking about it brings stuff up to where we can begin to deal with it. It is hard to face and deal with multiple traumas because there is so many.

Well this is my 2 cents on this. Wishing you some healing and some real peace in whatever you decide to do.

I can understand not wanting to do this homework with Your T. Hope you can get it worked out in a way that facilitates your healing process. Thanks for sharing this. very enlightening. i didnt talk about some things with my therapist due to great shame. I do not know if you have this kind of shame, but it belongs on the abuser not us.

Sure hope this makes sense and helps and does not hurt. I hope this is useful to you. Hug.

 

[Tifanee]

I am a supporter, but I've had therapy after my parents divorce when I was a child and my T asked me to do activities (hypnosis) that really didn't make sense and made me very uncomfortable. Nothing to the degree you are being asked to do, but it was confusing and overwhelming afterwards. The lesson from my T was absorbed later in life.

Although it might be uncomfortable and you feel like it is over-stepping, the lesson might be to not hide from the trauma or more importantly the emotions of the trauma and the subsequent denial of the trauma by loved ones. If they stay bottled in, then they are not present to be processed and to allow for healing. In a safe environment (with your T), we need to feel a little uncomfortable in order to see that we've built walls around us that keep us safe. With or without PTSD, we all do this and maybe need to adjust a boundary to see if there is healing behind the wall. It is your boundary, so you can just as easily put the walls back in place if you feel uncomfortable when you read it to your T.

I am sorry for what you are having to face but I believe you will get through it. Hugs!

 

[maelstrom]

I totally understand and share your discomfort. Even though sex is completely unrelated to my trauma or even any of my other problems, I find it extremely hard to talk about. There was one time when my therapy suddenly asked: Do you think it might have something to do with sex? And I was like: WHHHAT? What did you say? I was so shocked that he could make such an association and I was almost offended by that question. Because he's a guy I even started to doubt his motive for asking that, because it seems totally unrelated to what we were talking about. Now I think I probably overreacted. But it is different with you because it is related to your trauma and you might need to face it eventually. Have you thought of why you felt so uncomfortable talking about it? Maybe that is what your therapist was trying to get at--to tackle some of the subconscious things? But I wouldn't like being pushed when you don't feel ready yet, so definitely talk to your therapist about your discomfort.

 

[Meadowsweet]

My therapist won't make me read it. Last time I said I didn't want to read something, she said she thought it was better if I read it myself. The pressure I feel to do as I'm told is in my own mind.

But at the same time, I know how this therapy is meant to work, and that I need to give it my all to get the most from the limited number of sessions we have.

But I really can't judge where my boundaries need to be so I have to put that in the hands of the therapist.

Our last little trial run at re-living, I dissociated and came to a stop. But my therapist handled it well, and she does check regularly to see where my anxiety levels are. At the next session, I think she wants to measure the extent of dissociation I experience first. So I think she is a good therapist and won't push me beyond what I'm able to do.

But at the moment I've lost the ability to decide for myself. I recognise that feeling is connected to the trauma I'm trying to deal with and maybe that's part of why I'm getting confused too. I feel like I need to be decisive about this and not do it because my therapist says I should, or because I feel I have to. I need to do it because I believe it is the right thing for me.

My apologies for going on. The replies are very helpful in my trying to work this out.