Talking About Trauma = Psychological/Emotional Pain

[Lisa]

i understand the feeling that everyone must think you are a whinger, and the self hate at feeling so awful. "I should just do this, I should just do that, it should be so simple, it should not be like this, it must be me, I must be over reacting" thoughts are frequent in my mind, and actually hinder my healing as I listen to them too much and refrain from saying how I really feel. When those thoughts are taking you over and logically you know nobody has even suggested that, think of them as the evil trauma trying to get you down. Those thoughts could potentially lead you back to square one if you listen to them and give in, deciding that it is all wrong, and you must shut up and go back to how you coped before.

Those thoughts... unless someone has said that stuff (which it doesn't sound as if anyone has at all) are your thoughts, and your self-expectations. Yes, under normal circumstances, those shoulds may apply when under normal stress perhaps...but PTSD is not normal stress... it is years of built up and in ways supressed stress. It has to come out and be dealt with somehow... and you didn't get into this pain overnight. So it is not a matter of "it should be easier". Unfortunately.

But you are getting through it, and it would be concerning if you were finding this a breeze... that would mean you're not actually getting at the real problem.

People do believe you in how much it hurts, but in a weird sort of way it is always a lonely battle because nobody is actually feeling YOUR specific pain. So when it is overbearing to you, it is hard to feel anybody can understand that. Even you can't understand it right now. You may find when you do come to terms with what happened to you, and that you come to an understanding with yourself, your mind and your body, those thoughts and feelings that make you feel this way lessen or disappear completely. As will the awfulness right now will eventually go away.

It is hard to say how you are feeling when you feel all those things you listed, those things you believe others are thinking... but you are projecting your own feelings onto others.... really that is how you are feeling. You think you are a whinger, you can't believe this much pain is real, you think you must be creating it or making it worse for yourself... you're not. Your body does not lie, and it is clearly telling you that you are wayyyy stressed. Unfortuntely your body, and your mind, and you don't like it... who would? Dealing with trauma is painful and it should be... but it is a road, once travelled, need never be stepped on again. You won't know it's over until it's over. But if you keep on keeping on with it... you will get to the end.

Self-hate won't help, though... try thinking about why you are so angry at yourself. Is there any self-blame from the trauma coming up through that? It is important to keep a close eye on your feelings when gonig through this, because often they are a directly related to the trauma... and you may not even realise that. That can lead to misplaced anger from the real cause... it's all part and parcel of dealing with trauma. It happens outside of therapy as well as inside that room... I may be wrong on the self-blame issue, I'm purely talking from my own perspective here, but if nothing else it is always good to practice trying to identify where feelings come from, if even several places. Understanding yourself is an extremely powerful tool.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling on with this, I'm feeling foggy today, need tea... but I hope some of this makes sense and is useful in some way...

Lisa.

 

[Awakening]

Lisa, you made perfect sense and thank you for taking the time to reply, I'm very grateful to all the replies I receive. They give me something to think about and also it's nice not to feel so alone. As mostly I feel very alone.

You are right - no-one has said I'm too much, or whingeing or that I'm demanding or attention seeking or that I need to go over it or anything like that. I realise now that the only person who has ever said that is me.

The few people who know I'm struggling (and no-one knows the full extent of the trauma I've been through) have been supportive, empathetic and admiring of my ability cope.

My psychologist has raised this issue with me before (of my projecting my negative thoughts onto others). She reassures me that I'm not the least bit attention seeking or whingeing and wishes I'd do some whingeing or attention seeking. She feels I repress alot. Not just because of the ptsd but because of my conditioning in childhood.

I have a strong 'parent' in my head apparently. Strict, unrelenting, perfectionist, narrow & certainly no room for emotional crap. I didn't realise that I was doing this until I read your post, this has made me pull up & stop doing it (well most of the time).

But that leaves me back at feeling miserable and lately incredibly angry. It's so hard for me to sit with feelings and/or talk about the actual details of the trauma. It's near on impossible for me to link trauma part 12 makes me feel x emotion like my psych suggests I do. She's really pushing for some sort of detail now, and each time I freeze and my voice turns into a squeak. Guess I'll just keep banging up against that brick wall.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Lisa, you did not ramble. I think your post made a wonderful amount of sense! I never thought of the isolation you feel when in so much pain as feeling that way because no one is feeling your specific pain.

Awakening. It is very easy to think everyone else is flat nuts because we do get so much worse healing. You think how can this be good for me? This is where a hard lesson for us to learn comes in. We have to trust others. The bright side once you do get to a better place you see that you did trust and you are better for it this time. But I will admit, I sure as hell was looking for a rewind button to just suck it all up again for a while. I think that is normal. But we learn once the ball is rolling in trauma therapy there is no stopping it or we just continue to get sicker without improvement.

I did catch a positive note in your last post. You said it was near impossible at the end. You did not make it an absolute impossible. It is a step!

 

[Awakening]

Veiled, you are so clever.
When I was typing it, I typed 'impossible' then hit the back space & put in 'near on'. I thought to myself at the time 'hmm, seems the cbt is working'. And it amused me slightly that I corrected my thinking.
How do you do that???

Physically, still not crash hot (dizzy, sick, tight chest is the main thing now). Mentally a little better. This post has helped a lot.

I've realised I do have self-hate, self-blame going on that needs exploration. I feel that my pain is not valid. That events happened in the past, so I should be over it by now. I feel that I'm simply not trying hard enough. That I'm bringing this on myself. That I need to move on, and stop dwelling. That I'm self-creating this pain to get some sort of attention i.e. comfort. This is further compounded by attempting techniques i.e grounding, journalling & getting no relief. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't but I feel like a complete failure and that I must secretly enjoy being a victim & that's why it doesn't work.

I'm thinking alot about the fact that no-one can feel my specific pain. I never thought of that. I know I can feel empathy for others, support & comfort them, but at the end of the day I cannot feel their pain for them. I realise this works in reverse too.

In someways I don't think I want to let go of my pain. Not in a masochistic way, but letting go of my pain means letting go of this long held fantasy I've had. My fantasy is to replay the various traumas (or create a new one) but an adult comes along & rescues me, picks me up comforts me and makes everything better, turning my pain into a distant memory.

If I hold onto my pain, then eventually someone will see the pain Im in & come & help me.

I'm realising now, that letting go of the pain means letting go of this fantasy. I also realise the fantasy is child-like & too simplistic & if it was to happen it most likely would not instantly resolve all my pain.

Now I'm rambling & not sure I've made sense.

But mostly I wanted to say thanks for all your help, and that you have given me different perspectives to think about & work on with my therapist.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I think the heroic adult just may be different for you, not really lose the fantasy. You will learn you are the strong one rescuing yourself, even if you don't know it yet, as it takes a very strong person to heal. The more you go through this the more you will see you don't need someone to do this for you and they can't. You can and will free yourself and rescue yourself.

I am thrilled you are recognizing the CBT! That is exactly how it works. It is slow and shows up in little places small first. You keep doing it and it just spreads into so many different aspects of your life. Before you know it you are looking at the bright side of things. One of my most critical changes was for me to learn to lose the term "I should". Any thought process that started with that I had to change. I should not allowed in how I feel at all.

I hope you learn your pain is valid, the past shapes us, you are moving on by actively healing, and you are not a failure when things don't go as hope. It goes as hoped at times and that is improvement. You are doing an awesome job, keep up the great work. I think you deserve to treat yourself. Open your windows wide and let in the sunshine and get some cheap flowers to put out. IMO no such thing as an ugly flower and they are a wonderful reward.