Talking To People About Symptoms

[Kintsugi]

I'm not sure this is in the right place. It's not quite about symptoms and it's not quite about relationships. And I'm really frustrated so I don't care enough to debate where to post this for twenty minutes.

Okay. Has anyone ever experienced this irritation?

Every time I talk to my parents (sometimes friends, but mostly this is something between my parents and I) about my symptoms, they are 1) shocked and 2) insanely worried. They act like this is totally new news to them, like they've never f*cking heard of PTSD or that I have it, like they're not housing my f*cking abuser, like everything is usually hunky-dory and I've suddenly developed these symptoms out of nowhere. WTF. :mad:

The most frustrating part is that I have emphasized again and again that this is something I deal with every day. Where the f*ck was their concern for me while I was literally dying in my room because I was scared to come out to eat? I was scared to sleep? I was dissociating for 4-7 hours? Where was their worry then? Why is it always a f*cking SHOCKER whenever I share anything about my symptoms? They freak out, thinking my death is imminent, while when I was 15 or 16 I would stay awake all night planning my suicide? Or when I was starving myself? Or cutting? They knew about these things! Even if I didn't share a TON, my mother at least had seen me during flashbacks before (induced by her behaviors), smashing my skull into walls and raking my skin as best I could, rocking in fetal position, screaming wildly at people who didn't exist.

HOW IS THIS NEWS?

My mother emailed me TWICE today after I very patiently tried to tell her about what Annie could help me with as a service dog (dissociation, suicidal ideation, flashbacks) through doing tasks that would ground me safely (humans grounding me ends up pretty poorly usually, but Annie is effective and safe). I was just trying to tell her as clearly as possible why I want Annie to be trained in some service dog tasks and why Annie truly was better than my meds and better than just having people support me. Her emails were frantic. I could just imagine her worrying herself sick. She clearly thought I was about to jump off of a roof. When I was sixteen, I regularly attempted to kill myself. My boyfriend was with me almost 24/7, though, and he was ever-vigilant in putting flashbacks to bed, warding off dissociation, making sure I ate something every day, and watching me to the point of making me very angry when he knew I was suicidal. And thank god. I truly believe he saved my life.

I just don't understand why after so many years of such intense symptoms, now that I am getting down and dirty with my issues and trying to clean up some of this crap, I am arousing excessive concern in my parents. I truly appreciate that they care about my well-being, but they only pay attention to the fact that I'm struggling with these things when I mention suicide or self-mutilation. Who the f*ck cares if I am suffering quietly from flashbacks, dissociation, nightmares, depression, loss of appetite, isolation... as long as I am not trying to kill myself or cutting? Or as long as I'm not acknowledging the urges of suicide and self-mutilation, perhaps?

AGHHH. This was poorly written and a huge VENT, but thanks for reading. I am wondering if anyone else is frustrated by people acting like this is the first time you have had symptoms ever even when they know that you deal with this day-to-day.

 

[The Albatross]

I experience the flip side... apathy or answering and being responded to by either silence and the dreaded long pause and big sigh, or telling me that he or she doesn't want to go into it or talk about it because all I'm doing is dredging up the past.

My husband and mother really don't get that this is something I deal with every day. My husband is seeing the things I try to do to manage every day... and it is slowly dawning on him... but communication on any real level, even in joint therapy is taboo.

As a result, I feel frustrated, unsupported, unworthy of love, time, or genuine care/compassion/nurturing. It kicks me over into the low self worth slump and drives my depression.

The message, loud and clear is that they don't want to know. My mother is totally blocking because of her own self shaming and self harming behaviors... my husband alternates between compassion and passive aggressive... it keeps me from feeling safe... because I walk on eggshells with what I say, my tone, my affectations and body language, and keeps my stress level on a day to day basis pretty full before anything in the moment happens.

I did have a time when my mother was over anxious and calling me frequently with frights about "whether I was okay"... at one point she called the hospitals and my husband when he found the message told her I was at work. It continued to increase until I had to call her out on legitimate anxiety and worry, and irrational ones. I don't think she's ever forgiven me for it. But she did take time to self examine and did say that she realized she was starting to have difficulties in that area... not just with me but with my brother as well.

 

[Kintsugi]

Alba, your post should have prefaced my post. The reason I am really angry is that I am constantly met by apathy, dismissal, and denial. And then all of the sudden, BOOM--concern. It is confusing and kind of insulting. Thanks for speaking my mind, and I am so sorry you sympathize.

 

[Kim]

I wish I could relate to the two of you. When I try to talk about this nobody believes me. I'm told "she did her best" and I'm supposed to accept it and crawl back and beg forgiveness for the sin of walking out of my mother's life to put an end to the way she treated me. I'm told that I'm bitter and that if I don't accept her back in my life they want nothing to do with me. Is that a double standard or what? It's not ok for me to turn my back on my mother but it's ok for them to turn their backs on me? Nobody is willing to consider that I did my best as well.

The thing is that my half brother and half sisters were raised by loving, caring supportive parents. Oh I grew up in the same house they did but MY parents weren't so nice.

Sorry had an appointment with my Psychologist today and I'm still a little raw from it.

 

[Kintsugi]

Well, my mother was not my abuser? My relationship with my brother and the familial pressure I come under for him is a completely different story. My mother would like to be in constant denial about what he did to me, which is what I'm chiefly frustrated with above. She is only concerned for me when she realizes for a split second that I could die. But when she doesn't think I'm literally about to kill myself, she pretends that nothing and I mean nothing is wrong, and I am expected to come home to see my poor mother, when she houses my abuser. And yes, I face lots of family hostility and dismissal because I don't want to go back and I won't pretend nothing is wrong.

Perhaps if there were some kind of overt acknowledgement, even just by telling their 27-year-old son to get the f*ck out of the house, I would not be so resistant to my family's demands. And the concern wouldn't bother me at all. But instead I get dismissal and denial or frantic, invasive, ignorant worrying in small bursts.

 

[Kim]

Yeah I thought you had said it was your brother (sorry I'm still new and learning) but I wasn't sure. You're situation sucks and I know that. I wasn't trying to belittle you or the way you feel. I got my "official" diagnosis today that I do in fact have PTSD and the "unofficial" diagnosis being C-PTSD. Needless to say I'm dealing with a mixture of emotions ranging from anger to betrayal and everything in between. I expressed it in the wrong way when I wrote what I did I'm sorry.

Believe me I know how much your situation sucks.

 

[Kintsugi]

No, that's okay. I was a little brash. I too have CPTSD from my trauma. And... I'm insecure about writing here sometimes, because lots of people suffered abuse from their parents, and I feel like I should feel lucky or something, because I hurt so badly from the betrayal of my brother, and I feel so abandoned by my parents due to their general dismissal. I don't know what I would do if my parents were my abusers, seeing as this really blows as it is.

:speechless:

 

[Venator]

Talking to people about my symptoms has really kind of burned two friendships, so I'm really careful about it now. All the sudden, in their eyes, I was an excuse-making needy psycho (they perceived my dissociative episodes in a weird way).

 

[Kintsugi]

(I am really, really sorry to those who may find this offensive. It is a technique I came up with many, many years ago, and I understand that it may be offensive to many members.)

The way that I first present symptoms to friends in generally if they are there to witness a symptom, I shrug it off and tell them, "I'm a 'Nam vet. PTSD, ya know? It's a b*tch." This completely shifts their perspective, because now I have them thinking about the population that they are at least somewhat educated about, and it is completely impossible that I am telling the truth about its origin. So, they have a grasp over the mental illness I'm referring to and some impressions about its effects, but they suddenly understand that it is rooted in something that is not war. Often, close friends of mine will look it up and come back to me, asking what happened but already vaguely knowing through research. Litmus test: "What do you think happened?" This has usually worked out well for me in the past.