Sufferer Tbi / Concussions, Lifelong Ptsd; Walled Off From Emotion

[BrarlesChonson]

A'salaam'u Alaiykum, Peace Be With you all. I write this without knowing exactly what length or format it will take on, so bear with me.

My older sister and I had brutal childhoods, without going into detail. Hers, under my father who our mother eventually divorced. Mine, under my sister herself. Abuse being at its core about control, I'm a firm believer that it is a cycle -- however one that can be broken.

I grew up in a gang-infested area of the city of Los Angeles, and the majority of my symptoms today arise from what I'd witnessed young, what was done to me BEFORE joining a gang myself, and what I'D done as a result of becoming a member.

My story, among that region of the world, is hardly unique. No father, mixed-race, living below the poverty line, and raised as latchkey kids by single parents working long hours. I had freedom. Too much freedom for an 8-18 year old to enjoy in a given day...

The first red flag was watching my neighbors gangland execution from across the street. I didn't at that age understand the finality of death, but I understood violence as a means to an end -- and an effective one.

I found status in the gang as a teenager. Machiscmo. Camaraderie. And in a twisted way, I found father figures. But we were all a rank and file of puppets. Foot soldiers for far away -- and long since incarcerated individuals -- who ruined the very communities we were "proud" to call our own. Lashing out at the society that we felt had spawned our own pain in the first place.

We had all been abused, and we had all perpetuated the cycle as bullies and thugs. Some were locked up, or killed. Some joined the Marine Corps and cleaned up their acts. Myself, I ran away to the Rocky Mountains. I found a healing here for my soul, yet I am still tortured in the mind. Sleep paralysis. Night terrors. Double vision and blackouts.

I find it next to impossible to connect with anyone when it ISN'T. a trauma bond, which I know is unhealthy. My social filter is non-existent, and as many times as I put my foot in my mouth I prefer to just stay quiet.

I feel like an alien species among my own kind. Insh'Allah, that will not be permanent as I come to accept my history and move on.

 

[Ronin]

Alaikum salaam, Brother. May there be (His) peace on you, too.

You say you can bond with people - trauma bonds - so let's start what you have, and can. Can you start there and transform the bond with time? For a long time, the only ways I could bond with people and open at least minimally outta shell, was through highly ritualized settings, the kinder variant of it being helping those worse off than me get better, those struggling with aspects of things I've fixed for me already get better, or through stories & shared creativity.

There was a slow way out of that spot, doing that. Taking the bits that work, that are lesser as my former selves, or in different ways that I can be more humane person in. Ditching the rest, or at least becoming cognizant of the patterns, one by one, for a start.

And, quite frankly, leaving shit ton of things to God to sort, even if the wrong choices have been on me.

 

[ladee]

A beautiful and honest I introduction. Welcome to a place that We understand . We got here for different reasons but the feelings or lack of, are pretty much the same.
Very glad you are here. Take your time, look around read threads, articles and diarys , and you Will know you are in the right place.
Post as much as you want and need to. You are not alone. Gentle welcome hugs if you accept. If not ready, put them on a shelf and take one down when you feel safe.

 

[BrarlesChonson]

Shuq'ran, I hadn't looked at reconnecting in that way, but it makes sense.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I must say I like your username!