Telling Others About Your Past

[Sandra]

I haven't told anyone yet. I don't think I could at this point it is way too distressing to even think about. I don't really even have any friends, other than people who I socialize with only at work, but we don't do anything outside of work. So, it is hard to open up with anyone about it.

And it makes it so difficult when one doesn't have a good support system.

 

[VDWngr1355]

Yeah, that is what my T always says and he encourages me to make friends but the people I work with I find are immature and I really do not have too much in common with them to make a lasting friendship with. Let alone one that I can feel trusting enough to talk about my issues with. I don't even talk about them with my Mother because I don't entirely trust her because she likes to talk a lot to other people and is kind of gossipy.

 

[Sandra]

I never liked mixing business with pleasure. As I had already mentioned I worked with a bunch of jerks that I tried to stay away from.

Can you think of another place you might want to try and meet people?
Like perhaps getting into bird watching. That can be fun, educational, and be able to meet new people. I know in my area they have a bird watching group that meets every so often. And they go out birding together on their hikes. I really miss the birding groups and the hikes and the bird watching. I hate these health problems.

 

[VDWngr1355]

Thanks for the advice Sandra. I think I am going to look around at groups in the area that are of interest to me and give them a try. Thanks!

 

[Sandra]

One reason I chose that is it didn't cost much. Plus I truly love animals. :)

Or even try something new. You might like it or might not. If not then, chalk it up as an experience and move onto something else. Isn't that what life is all about...trial and error?

I hope that works for you. :)

 

[missd84]

I've had mixed experiences with telling others about it. I had to tell my boss at my old job, because I had a full-blown panic attacks there and sometimes needed a break in order to prevent more from coming on. Also, he knew something was up and asked my best friend. She wouldn't tell him but said I needed to talk to him. Looking back, I kinda feel manipulated by her in regards to my trauma. She threw it in my face a lot and even now when I talk about how it affects me, she tends to say things like "Oh, I didn't know it was that bad. You just gotta make the choice to move on."
On the other hand, another close friend of mine, has been excellent. He doesn't know all the details but what he does know, he doesn't seem to try to rush me or invalidate my feelings like others have.

Bottom line, I think it's best to choose carefully who you tell and how much you tell to them.

 

[Sandra]

As I said before Missd84 about a person not being knowledgeable about the issue will not say the right things or shy away. In my opinion if one doesn't understand they should keep quiet.

 

[reallydown]

The worst are those who think they know everything (but clearly don't)...and feel entitled to lecture you... all under the guise of "helping" you.

 

[missd84]

Couldn't agree more reallydown!

 

[Sandra]

The worst are those who think they know everything

I hate that type Reallydown. I try and stay clear of people like that.

 

[maddog]

I think that the choice of who to tell is absolutely critical as many of you have said. We need to choose wisely, and plan what we're going to say, and have given some sort of consideration to how the other person is likely to react, because this information can be very confronting and distressing to certain others, particularly if it comes out of the blue. Not to say that we're responsible for managing others' reactions, but I do think we have some responsibility to consider the other person's welfare as well.

Choosing unwisely and trusting this information to the wrong person can be an unspeakable setback... trust me, I know. Thankfully, choosing wisely and having a positive experience can be enormously validating,and a huge relief, even if a conflicted one.

In my case, it became necessary for me to provide an explanation to my new manager. My work performance and general behaviour at work are being significantly impacted right now and obviously he was entitled to an explanation. He knew I was seeing T and had some vague knowledge of some peripheral issues, but in order that we make some appropriate arrangements for my work environment, it was the right and necessary choice. We then had a lot of very careful and sensitive discussion about who else needed to know what, and some other partial disclosures were made to key others.

Currently it's all still very raw for me, very painful and almost too confronting. But I also know rationally that it was the right thing and will probably help the workplace remain a stable and safe place for me in the short term. Humble pie tastes sour and it burns like hell, but I know it's for the best.

Maddog

 

[olaja]

I confided in my mother-in-law who decided to tell everyone she knows. If I had known my trauma and pain was going to be fodder for gossip I would not have looked to her for support. I am still angry about this, but it is low on my list of things to feel betrayed about. Let me say here, that was a crappy thing to do. But, it was also my mistake for thinking she is more enlightened than she is.

I am hoping as I continue to do the work on myself that my inner change will be reflected in my outer world. For now, no. I do not tell anyone. Very few people are trained to be able to work with people who have been repeatedly traumatized, and I need and deserve protection from worrying about being the subject of gossip, speculation, manipulation, etc.