Terms Of Endearment And Other Musings

[Fadeaway]

I am feeling very emotional due to lack of sleep. When I am like this, little things, but things that are emotionally significant to me, really bother me.

Question? if you have to ask for it, does it still have meaning and does it still come from the heart.

One of those things is terms of endearment. Something I have never been able to figure out how to get. I know they are common in the south, but I know people use them outside of the south as well. When I was a kid, I was called by several insults, and I guess those were meant to be terms of endearment of sorts, but I really wanted a positive one. A lot of little girls are called pumpkin, sweetie or princess. They are also often given a nickname.

I wanted a nickname sooooooo bad as a kid, that didn't have negative connotations. I think that part of me wanted one so badly because I wanted to override the mean names I was called. I think the nicest one I was called was Trouble. That one didn't really hurt, because they seemed to use it when they were happy with me, but I didn't like it either.

The problem is, now as an adult, I don't get one unless I ask, and if I ask, it seems to take all the meaning away from it. I asked my husband, he asked me what I wanted to be called. At one point in the movie Inside Out, Riley's mom calls her sweetie, and I pointed it out, and told him that is what I want to be called. But it didn't come from him and i had to ask, so it feels empty, like I he is only doing it because I asked.

The other problem I have is that my love language is words of affirmation. I really don't have any skills or anything positive about me, so I really can't get words of affirmation either. Once again, I have to ask, and that takes all the meaning away from it. I always have to ask.

If I try and fish for a compliment, I always feel so dirty inside afterwards. Like I really hate myself afterwards, but I sometimes I really feel I need one, because I am really feeling down and worthless. I know it would be a huge motivator to me, so I resort to flat out asking when fishing for a compliment doesn't work. Instead of the desired effect, I feel worse. I guess because I want it to come from the heart. I want the person to say it because they mean it.Not because they felt they had to say something.

I have shown my husband all about love languages and words of affirmation, he always forgets if I don't bring it up. He also gets annoyed now if i bring it up. He thinks it is silly, and that he doesn't have a love language.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I am just trying to figure out how to get these needs met.

 

[Friday]

Something to consider :

Asking is otherwise known as an invitation. Not an invalidation. Asking doesn't obligate anyone, it informs them of another person's wishes. Because when asking? No is always an acceptable answer. But even when a person says yes? Wants to say yes? Sometimes they suck at it, or need help. Needing help, IMO, shows some damn strong desire. You don't work at something you suck at when you don't care. You work at it when you do. Again, the opposite of invalidating.

***

Myself... I'm something of a random nickname generator. Think Sawyer from Lost, if you've seen that show. I have to work reeeeeeally hard to use people's real names. I suspect it comes from having known thousands and thousands of people in my life. Names don't mean much to me. Too many people share names. Nicknames, otoh, are identifiable in my head. Hell. The people closest to me? Often have 3 or 4 nicknames. In addition to terms of endearment. Both public or proprietary. Snort. It's always hilarious when someone suddenly "owns" a term of endearment. When it becomes theirs/is proprietary. When I stop using it for absolutely anyone else but them. It's a weird formula in my head. It makes sense to me, if maybe no one else.

It also pisses a lot of people off. IRL, I don't usually care. It can even spark a little bit of extra effort :sneaky: But I'm contrary like that. Even so, outside of very specific environments? I've noticed most people need an invitation. While writing? In an attempt to be kind/ conform to a modicum of respectability... I delete sooooo many mate/man/love/honey/sugar/darlin/kiddo/chan/san/sama/brother/bro/sir/etc. that just trip off my tongue when I'm talking out loud. LOL. You'll catch me using them sometimes on here. I delete about 94%. It's just the way I talk/think. ((The more I'm swearing, and the fewer proper nouns I use? The fewer filters I have in place / the more honest I'm being.))

If it helps at all? You're Fade to me :D And since I think in pictures? It's the kind of fade the Cheshire Cat does, and the smooth sexy velvet feel of fresh USMC fade haircuts; the cool sweep between transitions. I know a few other Fades in my head, and they all have different pictures associated with them. Fádo's Irish, Fade to Black/Finis, Fayid/Faheed, etc. It's the pictures in my head where the nicknames generate from. & Why they're all unique to each person.

 

[scout86]

I really don't have any skills or anything positive about me,

I only know you from here, but I find that nearly impossible to believe! Here, you seem to be a nice person. I can't imagine that there aren't a LOT of positive things about you out in the rest of the world.

Sometimes people are quiet and unassuming and don't get the attention they deserve just because they slide under everyone's radar and go unnoticed. People SHOULD notice, they just don't. Sometimes people just don't think to give positive feedback.That's on THEM, not you. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking "How did I do?" or something. Sometimes you need to train them a little.You need to remind them that you're THERE and not only value, but require their feedback.

Your husband for example..... What do you think his "love language" IS? You must have some idea. The 2 of you probably ARE different and he really might not get that other people's brains don't work like his do. You might have to kind of train him to give you the kind of feedback you need. So, maybe, "Dear, I really appreciate it when you tell me how I did." And be sure to let him know that you appreciate his appreciation when he gives it. It's possible that his brain really doesn't work in a way that makes it easy for him to notice stuff and express his appreciation. It might take him awhile to learn a new skill. (You might try using humor, if you can.)

 

[Fadeaway]

Thank you @FridayJones that means a lot.

@scout86 I guess the correct way to put it, is that I don't have any skills. I am not artistic or good with math, basically nothing tangible that I could show to someone. I really appreciate what you said. I guess I am still looking for things you could put on a job application or use in a conversation when meeting new people and they ask what you do.

As far as my husbands love language, this is a huge mystery that I have been trying to solve. I have tried to see how he expresses love and I have also had him take the test twice. He told me he didn't know the answers to the question, so he just picked random. I was sitting with him both times, and every disappointed.

 

[scout86]

He told me he didn't know the answers to the question

That kind of sounds like he might have a few issues of his own.

I guess I am still looking for things you could put on a job application or use in a conversation when meeting new people and they ask what you do.

I see what you mean. I think you probably have more skills than you realize. Not things like math, maybe (although you must be able to type!). You probably have a lot of skills you've had to learn living with PTSD, for a start. Personally, I think things like being able to make someone else smile, or feel appreciated is a very valuable skill and I KNOW you can do that. You do it around here.

 

[Cavegirl]

I was basking in the fact that my marine called me things like sweetie and babe.

Then he told me about how he was asked by the owner of the vape shop he hangs out at not to refer to the girl that works there as sweetie. It could be considered condescending and sexist. He was like, I call EVERYONE that.

*Cue sound of balloon deflating.

My family calls me Mouse. Always have and always will. I had an ex that tried to get me to stop it. I refused. It's my NAME. I'll be Mouse when I'm a little old lady.

I don't think picking a name for yourself is bad. Maybe your husband just isn't creative.

 

[Ellabella44]

Well have you thought about things he does for you might be his way of a love language?

My husband and I don't have cutesy nicknames for each other. For myself, like you, anything given by parents has been well not so much a term of endearment. ( our father called my brother and I little creeps for example)

My husband does things he knows will make me happy instead of saying be loves me. And that works for me. I just don't believe someone saying it given my experiences.

Lavender from the garden tied to our air conditioner in summer to help me sleep - shows way more than words how he feels.
For our kids, I try to call them something they love. Our daughter is shorter than I am and is a lord of the rings fan. She loves being called hobbit child. Hard to think of one for our son though, his interests change often.

 

[Sighs]

My vet calls me a nickname... which I love but at the same time part of me suspects he called his ex-girlfriend the same nickname for a totally different reason. I could ask his friends but I don't want to - partly because I don't really want to know and partly because I would look like some kind of weirdo. (He denies it but I'm still not totally convinced...)

He changes our dog's nicknames almost daily - which you'd think would confuse the dogs but they seem to know when he is referring to them even though he uses so many different names for them.

I particularly hate it when he calls me "mate". Its such a generic Aussie term that clearly he's used to refer to all the military personnel he dealt with whose names he couldn't remember. Sigh!