TimidZiggy
Bronze Member
First of all I've been on a lot.
Zoloft gave me some weird neurological problems where I started having violent and involuntary muscle spasms after about three weeks of it, one bad enough that I spazzed out and kicked my cat and I don't mean intentionally I mean I was laying in bed and my leg jerked and kicked him. Not to mention that the stomach side effects were a nightmare.
Prozac I dealt with the stomach side effects just fine but I got to the point where I was so apathetic I couldn't love my boyfriend and didn't even care about my cat when he was injured. Like literally said "who even cares" when it happened. That was a dangerous medication for me to be on with the fact that I already have issues "caring"
Now my OCD is at an all time high. Intrusive thoughts about hurting myself or other people. Stuff that I HATE and renders me nearly frozen at times (in my room unable to leave for fear I may hurt myself or other people I don't WANT to I have no IMPULSE to I FEAR I will and I can't stop obsessing over it)
So the one tried and true thing comes down to this. I do not sleep. At all. I mean at most I get 4 hours a night and it's broken into 2 hour windows at a time. The only time I get consistent sleep is if I drug myself. Luckily I discovered that benedryl will knock me out (and I got surgery recently to which they gave me a TON of narcotics and that does the trick too) I know this behavior is super bad so I went back to a psychiatrist even though none of them will prescribe me the one thing that has a history of working which is valium.
Keep in mind, I've had a prescription for this before, I never abused it, and it was a miracle drug for me. Somewhere along the line for some reason doctors all decided I was abusing it and I have NO idea why because I wasn't. I would get 10 pills and it would last me 3 months that's how little I really needed to take it for the panic outbursts I was having.
Now, none of them will give it to me...despite knowing it worked in the past and how little of it I was taking. They want to repeatedly put me on SSRIs which have a history of not working (and I mean far beyond just the Zoloft and Prozac those were just the two most recent attempts)
Now they want me on Luvox which I hear is a "Miracle drug" but these people don't seem to have intense messed up thoughts about harming themselves or other people. Then you hear about people who did have those thoughts who go on Luvox and they start killing or whatever and I don't want to be that either. Right now I'm super messed up depressed because a man I was in love with for 4 years left me. Obviously I am not going to be okay 5 days after that happened. Break ups take a while for the person to heal, and trust me I've explained that to the doctor "I was with him for 4 years I was in love and it ended a week ago so obviously I'm not in the best place" then they are like "here take this super long term medication that will make you sick and possible suicidal/violent because that sounds hopeful".
Not only do I not need a long term medication like that as it's been more than proven they react badly in my system, and I already have a medication I know works, well I have now been forced into this or nothing. This or self medication with things I really shouldn't be self medicating with. I am TERRIFIED to even start this drug because of how convinced I am that it will make me lose control and hurt myself or hurt someone else. Right now, all I have are the intrusive thoughts and I'm aware they are just thoughts not urges. I can control them, it's very tiring to have them but I know I won't act on them. SSRIs MAKE PEOPLE ACT ON THOUGHTS they make people NOT CARE to a point where they WILL act. If it doesn't do that to me it'll make me sleep 16 hours a day like the Zyprexa did and I don't need that either because I need to keep a job.
WHY in the world will they not prescribe me a Valium which has a history of helping me immensely and I have no history of abusing? Meanwhile my roommate who is A TOTAL ADDICT TO VALIUM and doesn't even (HIDE it from his doctor gets a prescription for it like candy and he's at FAR HIGHER risk of abuse than I am? Who are these crackpot doctors who hand out meds to people who don't even hide their dependency on it but refuse to give me 10 pills for a few months so I can get through a rough patch. I'm furious over this situation I know I HAVE to take this Luvox because otherwise it means narcotics and I'm terrified it's going to make me kill myself or someone else and I don't want that either. I've told my doctor this (Somewhat because you can't tell your doctors thoughts anymore without them thinking you mean "urges" and being locked up) but she doesn't care. I don't know what to do I'm at the end of my rope with this crap.
Zoloft gave me some weird neurological problems where I started having violent and involuntary muscle spasms after about three weeks of it, one bad enough that I spazzed out and kicked my cat and I don't mean intentionally I mean I was laying in bed and my leg jerked and kicked him. Not to mention that the stomach side effects were a nightmare.
Prozac I dealt with the stomach side effects just fine but I got to the point where I was so apathetic I couldn't love my boyfriend and didn't even care about my cat when he was injured. Like literally said "who even cares" when it happened. That was a dangerous medication for me to be on with the fact that I already have issues "caring"
Now my OCD is at an all time high. Intrusive thoughts about hurting myself or other people. Stuff that I HATE and renders me nearly frozen at times (in my room unable to leave for fear I may hurt myself or other people I don't WANT to I have no IMPULSE to I FEAR I will and I can't stop obsessing over it)
So the one tried and true thing comes down to this. I do not sleep. At all. I mean at most I get 4 hours a night and it's broken into 2 hour windows at a time. The only time I get consistent sleep is if I drug myself. Luckily I discovered that benedryl will knock me out (and I got surgery recently to which they gave me a TON of narcotics and that does the trick too) I know this behavior is super bad so I went back to a psychiatrist even though none of them will prescribe me the one thing that has a history of working which is valium.
Keep in mind, I've had a prescription for this before, I never abused it, and it was a miracle drug for me. Somewhere along the line for some reason doctors all decided I was abusing it and I have NO idea why because I wasn't. I would get 10 pills and it would last me 3 months that's how little I really needed to take it for the panic outbursts I was having.
Now, none of them will give it to me...despite knowing it worked in the past and how little of it I was taking. They want to repeatedly put me on SSRIs which have a history of not working (and I mean far beyond just the Zoloft and Prozac those were just the two most recent attempts)
Now they want me on Luvox which I hear is a "Miracle drug" but these people don't seem to have intense messed up thoughts about harming themselves or other people. Then you hear about people who did have those thoughts who go on Luvox and they start killing or whatever and I don't want to be that either. Right now I'm super messed up depressed because a man I was in love with for 4 years left me. Obviously I am not going to be okay 5 days after that happened. Break ups take a while for the person to heal, and trust me I've explained that to the doctor "I was with him for 4 years I was in love and it ended a week ago so obviously I'm not in the best place" then they are like "here take this super long term medication that will make you sick and possible suicidal/violent because that sounds hopeful".
Not only do I not need a long term medication like that as it's been more than proven they react badly in my system, and I already have a medication I know works, well I have now been forced into this or nothing. This or self medication with things I really shouldn't be self medicating with. I am TERRIFIED to even start this drug because of how convinced I am that it will make me lose control and hurt myself or hurt someone else. Right now, all I have are the intrusive thoughts and I'm aware they are just thoughts not urges. I can control them, it's very tiring to have them but I know I won't act on them. SSRIs MAKE PEOPLE ACT ON THOUGHTS they make people NOT CARE to a point where they WILL act. If it doesn't do that to me it'll make me sleep 16 hours a day like the Zyprexa did and I don't need that either because I need to keep a job.
WHY in the world will they not prescribe me a Valium which has a history of helping me immensely and I have no history of abusing? Meanwhile my roommate who is A TOTAL ADDICT TO VALIUM and doesn't even (HIDE it from his doctor gets a prescription for it like candy and he's at FAR HIGHER risk of abuse than I am? Who are these crackpot doctors who hand out meds to people who don't even hide their dependency on it but refuse to give me 10 pills for a few months so I can get through a rough patch. I'm furious over this situation I know I HAVE to take this Luvox because otherwise it means narcotics and I'm terrified it's going to make me kill myself or someone else and I don't want that either. I've told my doctor this (Somewhat because you can't tell your doctors thoughts anymore without them thinking you mean "urges" and being locked up) but she doesn't care. I don't know what to do I'm at the end of my rope with this crap.
