Terror At Potential Aloneness

[Finch]

Hello everyone. I haven't posted in quite some time and wanted to reach out as I've had memories flooding back of being abandoned, let down by family and found today extremely difficult to cope with. So much that I am taking it off with cocoa and melted cheese sandwich.

I have recently started a new psychodynamic therapy with a great male therapist (I'm female). A degree of transference (ok a lot of transference) has arisen the last two weeks where I feel like I'm falling in love with him. I know I'm not and it's just transference (displacement of feelings you wanted or had for a parent that you didn't get reciprocated or nurtured when you were younger, or something to that effect!). I'm in between jobs currently and have a lot of time on my hands currently which doesn't help. But the last few days I've been overwhelmed with terror of being alone. My marriage is not going so well - pretty codependent actually. And I have no family or close friends - I know this is my 'stuff' and is why I'm in therapy. On the outside I appear to have my things together, fairly attractive 40 year old female who is cheery. On the inside, right now, I'm scared, terrified actually.

I grew up my first 20 years with extreme emotional abuse and neglect. My mother got ill and took her life at 20 and I attempted this after with scars etc to show for it. Since then I've achieved a lot with very little support; a family on both sides who shunned me or let me down or weren't interested. I've been through quite a bit of therapy and have felt overall much stronger recently.

The thing is; today I literally couldn't cope. I woke up and all these memories of uncles, aunts, my Dad, letting me down and abandoning me have been absolutely overpowering. I've been terrified. I think this is partly because I have been fantasising about not being with my husband any more and realised I would have no one to turn to if he disappeared tomorrow. Literally no close friends or family to call.

The terror is overwhelming. I was wondering if anyone can relate. I hope this makes some sense.

Love to all.

 

[lady truck driver]

Yes I can relate somewhat. Quite a bit.

 

[Finch]

Thanks for replying. What part can you relate to?

 

[illusionist]

Yes I've felt that strongly in the past, it is frightening.....it kept me in an abusive relationship. I really didn't think I could cope on my own.

 

[Finch]

Appreciate your reply. Did you end up leaving the relationship? Did toy manage on your own?

My relationship isn't abusive just extremely codependent. He is a lovely man but focuses all his attention on me and it's suffocating. I have relief on him and us far too much and have nothing else. Other than my cat and therapist that is!!

 

[illusionist]

I see we have something similar from our pasts....both my adopted parents died when I was 3 and four. I do remember the fear and helplessness of losing my dad......I've connected my past fears of being alone to this... and sometimes the present...maybe you can?

My second marriage was as you describe...I narrowed it down to the fact I hated someone being ( seemingly ) dependant on me for their own happiness...I ended up losing respect for him as he had no voice, no respect for what he needed/ wanted, and I knew that whatever I wanted, I got...irrespective of how he felt...I couldn't live with someone not seeing themself as an equal.

I left him....and went on to finding myself. Yes it was frightening but also a great relief....felt I had let go of the invisible chains.

Have you tried communicating how you feel?....that was my failing..maybe I could have saved a relationship if I had.

 

[Finch]

I see we have something similar from our pasts....both my adopted parents died when I was 3 and fou...

Hi @illusionist and apologies for delay in writing. I appreciate your long reply. I am really sorry to hear re your adoptive parents dying at such a young age. The therapist I am seeing is connecting my terror at being alone to the trauma I had when I was little, along with when I attempted suicide at 20, which I am struggling to accept only because I have gone through a lot of trauma involving being alone since then. Plus, I actually AM on my own now (I know partly through my own making) in that I have no support system. But I'm going with the theory for now.

I am feeling repulsed by how clingy I feel my husband can become. He is trying so hard to keep me happy and I really wish he would focus on himself. I look forward to when he is out of the house.

At the same time this therapy has just uncovered sexual abuse by my mother and I am not sure whether my sudden repulsion to him is mostly due to this coming up. I actually think it's a combination of both. Sometimes I love being around him and sometimes, mostly these days, I don't.

Amazing that you had the courage to leave both an abuse husband and a husband who relied on you so much, and found yourself. Inspiring.

We have been through marriage counselling the past. He is going through his own counselling, and I have talked to him about how I feel in the past but ingrained behaviour doesn't change without intense change.

I worry about my terror returning.

 

[illusionist]

I will get back to you @Finch ......having a bad day.......don't want you to think that I'm ignoring you.

Take care.