Text Relationships, Breaks, And Confusion

[Ijwc]

My survivor has this nasty habit of texting and getting into an emotional relationship with other women online only before recently. It escalated he met up with one he'd been telling he'd loved for weeks and then kissed a different one. Told me he wants a break. I myself suffer from my own issues and I understood but I'm not capable of stopping my feelings. We live together sleep in the same bed still. We had a long talk last night about what he wanted and what we're doing because it's hard for me to pretend everything is fine. He still makes plans about our future and still talks with me like he used to. But he wants no affection unless he initiates, wants to get counselling separately and then together. So I don't know if I should wait out this rollercoaster ride or if I'm being strung along. Mind you her doesn't talk to these women so much anymore and come to find out he's been telling people all the bad I do and makes himself out to be. Saint. I am no saint myself. I'm just confused and get mixed signals and I'm trying to wrap my head around his issues be there when he needs it. I'm new to it we've been together over a year and every 3 months he'd change a little bit, from super affectionate to affectionate to mildly affectionate to nothing. I did some research when he first told me what had happened in his life but I guess I should have done more.

 

[Ilul]

it's hard for me to pretend everything is fine.

:eek: WHY would you pretend you're fine with it???

We had a long talk last night about what he wanted

What do YOU want?

I'm just confused and get mixed signals and I'm trying to wrap my head around his issues be there when he needs it.

And what about what you need?

 

[Uzodow]

As an addendum to the above; I don't have any bias against open relationships. It's not what I personally want (a f*ckbuddy, a friend, & a relationship are three different things to me), but I know far too many people who have the door open (from barely cracked, to thrown open wide) & who have amazing, long term, suits them both down to the ground relationships to knock it. People want different things, and that's just fine by me.

It's when the dynamic doesn't suit both people down to the ground -especially in a brand spanking new relationship- that my jaw just drops. Why??? Just why???

Repeat after me

 

[Agab]

This is a new relationship.... but what you don't mention is your ages and previous relationship history..... these are significant as there may be a pattern there, for you as well as him.

I can empathise with him, I used to have similar issues, which are rooted in my C-PTSD from childhood. For me it was about attachment and the addictive nature of connecting with others. There's often a big chunk of shame, guilt and conflicted emotions around relationship floating around in the mix. This stuff is sometimes rooted in pre-verbal insecurity.... a search for contact, affection and acceptance from the feminine world.

The key is whether he is REALLY making an effort to change. Going to counselling is a positive signal, however some radical honesty is also called for. If he wants to change he needs to be able to tell you as soon as he feels the pull into connecting inappropriately with other women.....and for you to accept that as part of an addictive process. De-toxifying the guilt and shame around the contact process is important.....but if he repeatedly isn't honest then walk.

It's not easy so couple & individual counselling is a good idea..... as long as you can find good counsellors familiar with the more alternative sides of life!

The reason I asked about your age is that if he's young (<35) then the behaviour may be indicative of a conflict between settling down and staying unattached. An indication of this would be using "must/should/can't" in conversations around relationship. These are alarm bell words so pay attention when either of you use them!

 

[Ijwc]

I want to get counselling as a couple there are also some extra issues going on too. But I pretend everything bus okay for my kids

 

[Ize]

This is a new relationship.... but what you don't mention is your ages and previous relationship history..... these are s...

Well that is a good thing to know and yes under the age of 35 and I've heard those words a few times
he has also told me he wants to work it out and go to counseling

 

[Ijwc]

Truthfully the more I think (which is a problem for I over think a lot) it's probably just not going to work out and I've give over a year of my life that I cannot get back. I guess I just wanted someone else's take on it. I'm too affectionate and caring apparently for him so as much as I try to adjust my emotional being I just can't. I have learned a lot over the time we've been together. And I have a better understanding of ptsd signs and symptoms. As well as being able to tell when someone is lying and that also is an addiction and disease. So it helped me learn but I don't think things will ever be good again.

 

[Ijwc]

I have a problem that I don't give up easily on people so I will try the counselling I want the counselling but maybe I'm just not a good fit for him at this stage in his life