The Aftermath Of A Crisis

[Sideways]

I don't think it's much different to someone asking you for help. You do what you can, which may be a lot, or not much,depending on your space at the time.

So, someone asks you for help, part of looking after yourself is knowing that it's okay to say "Sorry, I can't" if you're in a bad place. Sometimes life is like that. You aren't responsible for how that person feels, and they may interpret it wrong (like, geez how selfish of you), but that's on them. If you need to turn them down that particular time because that's the space you're in, that's what you have to do. And real quality friends will get that.

So conversely, if someone has helped you, there is no reciprocal Must Do's. You asked for help. You didn't make promises about what they might get in return. If they feel yuck because they were expecting something that you just weren't in a space to offer (in this case, a thank you card of sorts by a due date that you weren't aware of), that's an issue for them. You can't control that.

Sure, the way you deal with the aftermath of a crisis might impact whether that person helps you out next time. If they decide "Well, I never got a thank you card the last time, so screw you", they're free to do that. But with the real friends, people don't keep score of who's chalked up more help for who, and who completed the Post Crisis Action Plan correctly. Real friends (and this person might, despite them expressing a bit of hurt) are gonna understand that you don't always just wake up tip top of the world - things take time to adjust to normal.

In this situation, you seem to be hurt by the fact that they were hurt that you were previously hurting but don't hurt quite so much any more.:confused: Seems like everyone is feeling a lot more hurt than is warranted. They helped you in a crisis (awesome) and you're doing a lot better (awesome). Should we turn that into a situation that we can all beat ourselves up over, or should we try and chalk it up as a win for the team?

 

[shimmerz]

a thanks i am fine should suffice anything in addition to that is yours to disclose not others to demand.

Completely agree with this. This is a boundary thing, and if there is some sort of explicit 'payback for my helping you' expectation, I would see that as a warning sign (flashing neon light).

Very happy to hear you made it through in one piece. I am wondering, did you read through that crisis posting so you can recognize and challenge thoughts if a similar crisis comes up again?

 

[Nevermore]

I agree with all of the above - there's no payback for helping someone of being helped. If it doesn't come from genuine care don't do it!! Sometimes it can hurt more to be helped by a person who is just needing to feel like a good person...
The one instance where I do think you need to share the outcome with the people who've helped you is with suicidal urges.
There's not much worse than trying to get in contact with someone you care about who's battling strong suicidal urges and not being able to get through!!

 

[Nevermore]

**"helping someone OR being helped***
That's what I meant to say

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I agree with most of what's already been said. Sometimes the aftermath of a crisis takes time and a lot of energy to work through - energy you just don't have. I've told my husband not to ask me if things went ok. or am I ok. I'll get there, but just not yet.

I post when I can. Sometimes I just don't have the energy or the emotional stability myself to look at anything further. It's wonderful that your heart has a genuine desire to help, but you have to put yourself first. Nothing wrong with putting up a quick note that says you're ok... working through it. or something like that. People will get it. Those who know you, will also know that you will get back to them as you're able. I think most of us would say the same.

I find it helpful when the person who helped me most during my crisis checks in even the same day, but a one word answer is fine. She knows me well and really doesn't expect anything more.
You really need to focus in on yourself. Put up boundaries for yourself. You'll be in a much better place if you do.

 

[DharmaGirl]

It wasn't so much helping in the hope that others would do the same for me,

I never thought of it this way, I thought that I shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help since I am so willing to help others, and they probably feel the same way.

 

[sun seeker]

Love your post @Ragdoll Circus, just want to clarify I wasn't hurt, more numb because I have a hard time knowing what to do when people are angry with me (and hurt can come across as angry if we take it personally). I'm getting better at it though - probably from enough times experiencing my therapist's responses to my own hurt feelings. This was me trying to make sense of where this person was coming from so I could respond better without making it about me, how inadequate I am, etc.

 

[sun seeker]

did you read through that crisis posting so you can recognize and challenge thoughts if a similar crisis comes up again?

Several times. I actually feel I'm not at a place where questioning my thoughts would be my best approach. See, I can talk myself out of all those thoughts and come up with counterarguments just fine. Believing myself and knowing deep down that I will be okay if something similar comes up is another ball game altogether because it isn't a cognitive problem, it's more of an early attachment problem. So yes, I'm working on it, but from a different angle.

 

[sun seeker]

The one instance where I do think you need to share the outcome with the people who've helped you is with suicidal urges.

As in to reassure people "It's okay, I'm still here"? That certainly makes sense. This was not that sort of a situation really, but I will certainly keep that in mind should it come up.

 

[sun seeker]

I shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help since I am so willing to help others

I can agree with that, sort of a "pay it forward" policy. It's if we start counting how much we have given and received on an individual level (and I'm not saying that's what was happening here, just hypothesizing) it gets to be a problem and is a sign of a problematic relationship.

As I said, I've changed a lot. There was a time I could be very hurt by others' reactions to my help not going over how I'd hoped. Now? I help when I have help to give. If I start to resent it, it's a sign I am giving for the wrong reasons or don't really have anything to give at that time.

 

[Nevermore]

As in to reassure people "It's okay, I'm still here"? That certainly makes sense.

Yes!!
It really is a special sort of torture not hearing back about that one /-;

 

[joeylittle]

Whew. I'm not sure how I can do better, but if anyone has suggestions, I'm interested.

I don't think you did badly, but I understand asking how to do better.

One message, sent to as many people at once as you can (on email you can use bcc, so they won't know who everyone else is, if that matters to you),
saying 'Everything has eased up. I want you to know I'm ok, thank you all so much, and I'll be back in touch individually to answer questions/fill in gaps when I'm up to it. That might take 3-4 weeks.'

Even if you need to hit folks mostly individually, copy-paste the message.

The time estimate is helpful for them. If you come up for air faster, great. If not, you will likely have needed help again before the 4 weeks are up.

If you can manage it, that should be clear enough. But coming out of crisis is hard, and you are doing the best you can right now.