The Aftermath

[kagamine]

I have a chronic suicidiality about me, I think about it whenever I'm even mildly stressed. I don't know that I'm actually suicidal in the sense that I'd make another attempt, I've improved a lot in the last year or so and I can't see myself becoming that hopeless again, I don't want to throw everything away because I know here are good things in life, even when the bad is so hard to live with.

It's a still a very tempting place for me to go.

I don't know if it's also just tiredness, I have all of this weight to carry in memories and life experiences and it's exhausting.

I accept that I want to die while I continue to live and while I commit to staying alive. I've heard plenty of therapists say that changes for most people but I don't count on that for myself. I've been planning my suicide since I was 9, made attempt after attempt in high school, and only stopped when my last attempt over a year ago gave me a near death experience. I was in the emergency garage being wheeled in while the ems went to check me in and next thing I was on a stretcher with 5 doctors over me hooked up to 3 different monitors. I went into cardiac arrest and was technically dead. I'm so hesitant to say this, because I know that there a lot of vulnerable people on this board but it was so peaceful and I was so angry they brought me back. I felt lied to, all those years they told me how horrible it is to die in an OD but I never felt more at home and I was brought back into a world of suffering

I don't want to attempt again after that, I guess even though I don't have any cemented spiritual beliefs I can't help but feel there must have been a reason, both that I survived that attempt and everything else. Maybe I'm supposed to do more with my life. I give myself strength to continue by believing that one day I will get my shit together, and when I do I want to make it my life's purpose to help people who are suffering and forgotten.

I just wanted to add my thoughts here, I don't know if anyone else is in the same place.

 

[joeylittle]

Yeah, I connect with much of what you are saying, @kagamine. Chronic suicidality - I was seriously relieved when I learned that there was a term for wanting to die all of the time but not actually going through with it.

What I read in your post that I wish I could believe for myself is that there will be a reason I've survived everything. I interrupted my own attempt - maybe if that had played out differently I would have turned that corner, be able to believe.

Right now I just know that I'm going to continue living, even though I wish I could stop. But I'm bookmarking your post because I'd like to get to where you are.

 

[kagamine]

@joeylittle I was there for a while, I just lived while I wanted to die, and it was a constant struggle. I guess somewhere along the way I started to realize there were a lot of people who'd lived through things like I had and I started to get angry on their behalf. It was easier than being angry for myself. I started to believe I could do things to help make the world a better place and it would give it all a meaning. Maybe it's something about the anger turned inward being projected outward?, I dunno there's probably some psychological mechanism happening there.

I still have nights where I start longing to try again, but I use thought correction to remind myself that's not what I really want. I think it just takes time, and it's different for everyone. Getting through that is easier said than done though. :/

 

[Chava]

I don't want to sound cheesy, but is there one thing you haven't tried that you would love to get into and get nerdy over? I need new adventures to keep me going. But since I'm so introverted, this usually means staying at home and trying to learn how to paint with a new medium. Or learn Pilates and read everything about it. I wanted to die for several years (which included several suicide attempts). That passed. Life got better. Then life got challenging again. Now I just have a fleeting thoughts of wanting to die, or that some illness should just take me because I will never make that attempt again. But for what I lack in making human connections (still a goal), I make up for in connecting to the world around me and allowing myself to enjoy my own projects or nerd pursuits. We just have to find something to love. It makes no difference what it is. Anything. ????

 

[kagamine]

@Chava I'm actually a huge nerd. I love anime, I love comics and I love art and writing. I find that when I get more active in my fandoms I generally get a lot less suicidal and depressed, it's the more lighthearted side of life. That's probably what kept me at least partially sane all these years. But I also have the introvert thing and I wonder if getting out and doing more things with people, or even connecting more might help me. I also don't follow through on my thoughts, but they get pretty intrusive. Sometimes I just need to sleep or dissociate because nothing can distract me.

 

[Friday]

I put into words the other day (by accident, totally read too much into something and ran with it :rolleyes:) that I have several different flavors of ideation. One of those things that I've known for years, but never really broken down Barney style. It's been crazy helpful to me... But I don't know if the same thing would be helpful or harmful for anyone else.

For me, the most common one is a damn mistranslation.

My brain jumps immediately to wanting to die, instead of what I actually want: to not feel this way anymore.

When I can throw on the breaks and put it into reverse and back up to that one, I can actually do something about it 9:10. "This way" varies a lot in scope, and my lazy ass brain just goes directly past go, doesn't collect $200, and leaves me in the lurch. Because the only thing I can do with that particular neural request "Death, please, table for one" is fight it. Which is hard, sucks, and flat out gets exhausting. Once I start parsing out why I want to die, as in what kicked my brain into high gear this time? Low and behold. Solutions. Pain can equal something as simple as pain meds. Or something as complex as looking into surgery. Loneliness can equal something as simple as going online, or turning on music... Or something as complex as rearranging my life so that I've got regular contact with others (volunteering, work, change my living situation).

My other forms of ideation are more serious.

I don't know if you have a single type of ideation, or not. But for me, my brain lumps them all together. I have to use my mind to split them up. Because different things treat the different aspects better (or not at all).

 

[StellaBlue]

For me, the most common one is a damn mistranslation. My brain jumps immediately to wanting to die, instead of what I actually want: to not feel this way anymore.

Bingo. This is my brain's "go to" response as well. Figuring this one out has been pivotal in reducing my ideation.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I agree with much of what you have said Kagamine, for myself, even though I ended up in hospital after an overdose I'm told was seven times the fatal dose, I had no ill effects except for a temporary rise in heart rate. I felt cheated out of the peace that I was certain death would provide. Now I don't know what to do, I feel even more lost than before.

For me that feeling of wanting to kill myself is still common and though part of it is wanting escape from temporary problems, part of it is that I have commitment issues with life - I have nothing to hold me here. I stay alive for a few people, who would be upset if I died and I have learned to fill my days with fandoms which is far better than I could hope for but I still feel all alone. I'm living for these people, but they're all busy with their own lives, what I need to do is to learn to live for myself which seems impossible because I'm living in this survival mode an unable to spare my resources in case they fail. Maybe the next step forward for me is to find someone to enjoy my fandoms with, a friend or maybe more but then I know I'm still in recovery and I somehow always end up sure that I don't deserve anything because I'm not ok at the moment, that all I have to offer is myself and pondering useless things like what my worth to society is, none of which helps anything!

I don't really know why I'm responding but I thank you for creating this thread, it gave me a place to get that off my chest but also I'm glad that you've been able to change from looking at now, to looking to the future.

believing that one day I will get my shit together, and when I do I want to make it my life's purpose to help people who are suffering and forgotten.

I hope you help people, you've helped me here today :)

 

[Chava]

I understand needing to just sleep or dissociate. I've actually felt more of that this summer, like my distractions aren't working. If it's something I really love, I don't really consider it a distraction in the negative sense...I'm actually really being myself vs avoidance or whatever. But it is really hard to drift through periods when none of it feels right. I just have to try to stay present and put one foot in front of the other, but I've felt that much as impossible at times more recently (and in the past)..and hard to find that light-hearted side. I know it can be sickening have these sort of patterns keep repeating. But I hope you move beyond this in time too, safely and connected to yourself.

 

[kagamine]

@FridayJones I do find that sometimes it's that I've skipped the step of "I have a problem how do I fix it" and go to "I can't deal with this, I want out" and that's when I can calm down. I often know the solutions to day to day problems but I feel powerless to do anything about them, so sometimes I start feeling like dying would be easier. Not better, but easier. It also makes me think of HALT, and it's funny because I'm almost always all four of those things, and I won't realize it until I get to a point of ideation. The really tough times are when it's just a general "I don't deserve to be here/why do I exist" feeling. I can't shake a general sense of being a bad person and not deserving to live. That's been my biggest struggle, but I'm trying to work on it.

@Kas_Can_Fly I'm glad that this thread helped you. Fandoms can be a great source of support if you make friends within them, it gives you a common interest to bond over. I've found the artistic process to be the most healing for me.