The Angry-about-sex Thread

[Gikih]

Basically, I make conscious intentions to meet more men who care about giving me pleasure, and then the universe delivers them to me.

You do need to have high self-esteem though for it to work. You need to feel like you actually deserve that, for it to happen. That can be a huge hurdle for many people with PTSD.

 

[Jope]

Ah Shi.... I must give out a bad vibe that says "USE ME FOR YOUR PLEASURE, THEN LEAVE ME BEHIND LIKE THE DIRT I AM!" Or something like that.

Well, to a degree. There are lots of people out there who don't give a d@mn about making their partner feel good. These people are selfish jerks who deserve to be single until eternity for only caring about themselves!

I think I'm just going to give up. My current "burden" complex keeps me friend less, partner less, and avoiding my family. I don't think I'll ever get to the point of thinking that I deserve to feel good. Sad, huh? Sometimes I think it would be easier if they took me behind the barn and shot me, like a horse with a lame foot.

 

[Gikih]

I think if you think you won't ever...then you won't...ever. For the record, I'm in the same boat, although I do have one or two friends.

We all have that belief in us that says we don't deserve to be happy, have pleasure, feel good...but it's up to us to uproot that belief and replace it with the truth.

If we weren't meant to receive pleasure, we wouldn't have been designed for it. Think of it that way, because it is purely logical and scientific. We wouldn't have genitals that allow us to feel good if we weren't meant to feel good.

 

[Utopu]

Best thing is to talk to your partner. Communication is everything. Also, before you have sex. If it is something a little spicy, preparation is needed, you would not believe how useful lubrication and rubber sheets can be heheheh!

Also if you do not like something you should tell your partner. Especially if you want them to take the dominant role.

Opening your mouth during sex can be liberating and open a whole new world of experiences (pardon the pun there :P )

 

[Gikih]

Yep, literally they cannot know what you want or like until you let them know.

 

[Mehav]

You know, we keep starting out talking about sex, and ending up talking about communication. And that's really what it's about, isn't it?

You have to learn the communication skills in order to have decent sex, vanilla or otherwise. You have to have the self-esteem to have the courage to communicate. You have to learn to honor your own needs before you can get someone else to honor them.

Dang. I keep wanting it to be simpler than it is, but it keeps coming back to the fact that I must own my desires, speak up, and ask for what I want.

I've been working hard on this in the last couple of weeks, and it's beginning to really pay off. ;):D

 

[Gikih]

Yes, and it really is up to the women to learn how to be more assertive about what they want, adn more vocal. Men haven't had the best training since they mostly learn from porn, which isn't that creative really, and it does tend to numb them to females being more than just an object.

If no woman ever tells the man what she does and doesn't like, then how do you think they learn that you don't want it? They learn from their past lovers, who may also have not had the self-esteem to speak up, so they jus tlet them do whatever they wanted and never spoke up, so then they think that all women like that same thing. How can they know you do or don't when you don't tell them.

Men aren't mind readers.

 

[Iduh]

Wow way to blame women!

I disagree! I've tried to be assertive and say what I want, and get confronted with a wall! Granted, I'm not some slut who has tested this theory on hundreds of men, but still. IME it's not just about women saying what they want. Lots of men just want to get off and don't care about what women want. This is both inside of relationships and for the one night stand or booty-call.

And dang, I know this is anonymous, but I'm beyond anonymous here...I never have the same anonymous name so nobody can follow me within a thread unless I point out all my previous names.

 

[Gikih]

Um, I wasn't actually blaming women, I was saying that in order for men to get that we want some things or not want other things, we need to make it clear to them.

Does that sound wrong to you? That's been my experience. Is it possible you took that the wrong way...even just slightly?

I also don't think it's very nice to be calling other women harsh names like slut because they choose to sleep with lots of men. People can do what they like, but it saddens me that other women call women these degrading names because they live life differently to them.

Some women sleep with lots of men because they have zero self-esteem, because they were sexually assaulted when they were kids (some of them might even be on this forum right now reading your words) and think that's the only way they can receive love.

It angers me to hear peoples ignorance and judgements towards these women, who obviously have lots of issues. Besides that, people who choose to be promiscuous, even without any sexual assault background, aren't doing any harm to anyone else, as long as they use protection and aren't stealing other peoples partners.

I don't sleep with lots of men by the way, but I find that offensive coming from other women to call women sluts, regardless of what they wear or who they choose to share their bodies with. The judgement there is just ugly. If they make mistakes then they hopefully learn from them. We all make them.

Yes, lots of men are like that, and it's unfortunate, but if you can find a good guy who is willing to listen to you, and there are some men who are like this, then it's up to you to be assertive about what you like, because otherwise they aren't going to know.

 

[Gikih]

I should clarify that I am speaking about sex within a relationship mainly here.

Of course people only looking for a one night stand or a booty call aren't going to be all that interested in what the other person wants. It is an itch they all want to scratch, so it's not so much about genuine pleasure and more about selfish 'banging'.

In a loving and trusting relationship though, I believe it's important to speak up about what you want.

 

[Demip]

I like vanilla ice cream. I like strawberry too.

 

[Uwozo]

There has been plenty of sexual abuse in my background and reclaiming my sexual identity was a process and a conscious effort. I think in order to let go of this anger and difficulty, we need to figure out a way to stop being ashamed of sex in the first place. It isn't shameful for a man to want to enjoy himself. It isn't shameful for a woman to want to enjoy herself. It's an integral part of sex to want in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with desire, lust, any of it. As long as the coupling is entirely consensual, it isn't 'icky' or disrespectful. If the communication isn't there, then it may not be enjoyable, but it doesn't make the other person evil. It isn't selfish to lose yourself to pleasure and seek yours out and it doesn't make you a villain if you're busy doing that and your partner doesn't tell you it isn't as good for them as it is for you.

I understand that since many of us are recovering from abuse related to shame and sex, the sexual intimacy question is a confusing one. But until we let go of the concept of sex being bad, we're never going to move on to the next milestone of learning to be comfortable with our own sexual needs and desires. Anyway, in a nutshell, sex is good. Seeking your own pleasure isn't bad. Liking sex doesn't make you a slut or a selfish lover.