The Battle Within: For Sufferers And Supporters

[intothelight]

I wrote this in my diary, but I moved it here because I hope it helps others understand what it is like to battle PTSD. It is not a battle that you see, but you see the results of the battle. I realize this is my battleground, and I hope that others add to this and share their battles.

There is this old adage that when you "fall off the horse, the best thing to do is climb right back on". I keep falling off the horse, over and over and over and over. I keep telling myself that today will be better, that I will be better. I keep changing what I expect of myself, lowering the bar, and then I fail to jump it and fall of the damn horse again.

The funny thing is, I know what I need to do and I know how to do it, I just keep getting sidetracked, frozen, scared and all of this stupid things that I rationally know should not be happening, but my freakin emotions don't react rationally. To be constantly, consciously thinking about your behavior, what is appropriate, why am I responding this way, what is the trigger, why is it a trigger, where did it start, what can I do to modify my behavior, what can I do to modify my emotions, change, control my response, etc. is just so exhausting.

But to get better, function in the real world, create healthy views of myself, have healthy relationships I HAVE TO DO THE ABOVE. It just sucks that I have to spend so much time doing it. I am so far off kilter that it is going to take years to change all of these thought patters, responses, emotional overreactions and behavior. By the middle of the day, I am just so mentally worn out. By the end of the week a lobotomy is looking like a wonderful option.

Balance is the most difficult goal I have ever set for myself. I fight the urge to isolate, disassociate or run away more times a day than I can count. People without mental issues, interact and respond without having to "think" about it and "analyze" it before, during and after.

I am exhausted, and each time I fail, it puts me down. The problem is I fail so more frequently than I succeed. If I was truthful, I would change my emotion to despair; but I leave it on balanced because that is the goal. Plus my freaking emotions change so fast, I can never keep up with them even if I tried.

Can a person really undo almost 50 years of being f'd up? Or do you just modify your life and enjoy it as you are? Or do you modify yourself to fit into your life? Or is it somewhere in between?

OK, time to dust myself off and get back on the horse....................​

 

[Jacquie]

yup

 

[Ted Moen]

Yes. Everytime you get back on your recovery program, every time you self-talk yourself through behaving appropriately it gets a little more ingrained until it becomes something you do without thinking and then comes the discovery that you are just doing appropriate things every now and then. Then the moments start to happen when you let yourself participate in an activity or relationship without thinking much about it and this feeling of joy sneaks in, and all the work and effort it took to learn to manage your ptsd symptoms was worth it.

Ted

 

[The Albatross]

Still waitin' on the joy part, but nicely said Ted. It has been a slow climb back... but it's far better than where I was, that's for sure.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm afraid I started too late, :(
But I'm thankful for those who recognize earlier.

 

[Srain]

Can a person really undo almost 50 years of being f'd up? Or do you just modify your life and enjoy it as you are? Or do you modify yourself to fit into your life? Or is it somewhere in between?

I've asked my tdoc "is it too late?!??" I've told her "IT'S TOO LATE!" :cry: I've been treated by professionals like "It's too late."

I read where those of us who dissociate to survive aren't willing to give up. I thought that was an interesting way to think about it. That there was a part of us too strong to let go and die even when we think that's what will 'save' us.

I've thought, "now that I don't think it's a real way out does that mean I'm not much of a fighter anymore?". However, what I do now instead is struggle between dissociating, trying to get better, and feeling like a failure.

I know I'm better because I feel worse...if that makes sense.

this thread hits close to home..

 

[intothelight]

(((Junebug))) (((Rain)))

I'm afraid I started too late, :(

I've asked my tdoc "is it too late?!??" I've told her "IT'S TOO LATE!" :cry: I've been treated by professionals like "It's too late."

I understand the feeling of it being "too late". I even had a T tell me there was basically no chance of getting better, and the best I could hope for was learning to live with it and function in a radically modified environment, where stress was kept to a minimum. Basically, a life on disability, medication and never ending therapy. Sorry, not how I want to live my life.

I walked away from therapy at that point, and will someday find a therapist that will believe in me and push me to be the best I can be. I don't think it is too late and I really believe when can get better. I have no clue how much better, but unless I keep pushing and trying I won't know what my limits are. Sorry, I'm shooting for the sky!

 

[Sandra]

It's never too late.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I do feel like my life was already stolen from me, but I love my kids so I'm aiming to be as functional as I can for whatever time I have left.

Yeah, too late for me. But at least I can blaze whatever trails I can for the next who follow.

:(

 

[intothelight]

(((Bloom)))

Its not too late. We've all fought too hard, and just when we make it to where life is good, this PTSD thing is robbing us of enjoying our lives to the fullest. Its not right. I don't want to believe that functional is the best I can obtain. When I got past the point of wanting to end my life, I found this desire to live.

I have to have hope. We all have to have hope, because that is what keeps us going and give the possibility of a better tomorrow. I wish I knew how to give hope.

Deb

 

[Srain]

I battle back and forth as to whether this is a lifelong battle or whether it's completely recoverable. I think I do better with a day at a time however, it I don't have goals I will drown.

I'm with you on hope...I do have hope.

 

[kimba]

I am in my midforties and having PTSD was not on my list of life goals either. It sucks plain and simple. All we can do is take it one trigger or response or symptom flareup at a time and keep going. If we don't, those who hurt us win and I'll be darned if I am going to let that happen! They have taken enough.

Hope means making it through each episode and hopefully being a little stronger to get through the next one. Someday, if we're lucky we can go through a week, then a month and so on with fewer episodes to get through.