The Beast That Shouted Love At Me

[Zipperhead]

The Beast That Shouted Love at ME​

​

It was an innocent enough comment. Intellectually it was hard to even argue with it. And the message of peace and love was something I may have even said myself 10 years ago. 10 years ago, before my world changed forever.

We were living in a simpler time, a time when hope was there for the taking. My wife remembers me as Mr. United Nations. Always considering differing points of view, Liberal in values, forgiving and giving. I had problems with organised religion back then. Prejudice based on ideology was to me a foreign concept. And then the planes crashed.

Attacked by a culture I couldn’t even find on a map. Oh, I know where they’re at now. I’ve lived in their deserts. I’ve driven their streets. And I’ve breathed their dust all while trying to regain that hope. You see, I was in the Army. A peace time Army up until that point, until they attacked.

To me the Canadian Army was the perfect expression of hope. We travelled the world, going places that needed our help. We delivered food, medicine and love. People the world over respected us. Our message was spreading. Love would win! Until a people who hated us because we loved decided to shatter our delusions.

And so I learned to hate. It was easy to hate. I could make my world make sense if I just gave into that hate. I could kill without remorse if I embraced that hate. I could make my son’s future safe again if I allowed the hate to eradicate that society, to end their terrorist ideology, to plunge them back where they belonged, to a place where they could not hurt me again.

But then I heard those words, the message of peace and love. They were my words from before the hate. It was on the radio, an interview with a Muslim Social worker. She explained how the racists in Canadian Society were forcing the Muslim Youth into a secular state, where they would learn to hate. She called me a racist! And yet there it was. The shoe fit. But do I really deserve that epitaph? They had taught me to hate. And here they were saying that my hate would cause them to kill again. What a burden to lay on my broken mind. Yes, a broken mind.

You see, my tours to the sand box didn’t all go that well. I was wounded in an IED strike in 2007 while trying to rebuild a society that had attacked mine, while trying to show them hope. 48 stitches and a bit of reconstruction was just the start of my healing. It was 4 years before the diagnosis of PTSD was hung around my neck. I think I understand PTSD now. It’s hate in its rawest form. Hate brought to the extreme, from where rational thought cannot reign. Hate as only someone who has seen what we have seen can understand.

And so my society embraces that hope, and pledges anew to be inclusive. They push me to the fringe, worn out and wasted. They decide to trust again, to go back to that love that made us great. A love I can no longer feel. The love that has been consumed by my hate. I find myself alienated from the society I was sworn to protect, as all around me scream love into the heart of the world.



I wrote this tonight. I stole the title from a Sci Fi writer, modified just enough to avoid a lawsuit. Don't know why I'm posting it really. It's how I feel, why I'm angry and feeling helpless. I guess I'm posting it here so I don't post it somewheres else where people will know me. I'm still a closet PTSD sufferer. Not ready to be outed.

 

[OIFvetIVAW]

Hurt people...hurt people

 

[OIFvetIVAW]

My grandfather was drafted when he was 18 to go fight for our country in WII like most young men his age...he was in the US Army and was a heavy machine gunner or received two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star among many other awards.Growing up he was my hero, the best person I've ever met in my life...he wouldn't tell specifics or any "war stories" (looking back I'm sure he had PTSD, he was a workaholic until he passed away, RIP). He did talk about how proud they were to go to Europe and save everyone from the evil and at the time always expanding Nazi "Empire". They were thanked, loved, welcomed with open arms by the civilians in the foreign countries they had liberated from the evil Axis. They had "saved the world" in a way. Spreading freedom of religion, freedom of speech, human rights, ambassadors of goodwill, etc...my grandfathers war was justified...not only did the Nazis have to be stopped, but Japan had attacked us in our own waters...the global community was behind the Allys and their reasons for going to war...but my war (Iraq) and Afghanistan are polar opposites...neither country attacked the US, neither country was invading any other nation (1991 Gulf War was justified because Iraq invaded Kuwait and it was UN backed), while we might not agree with the reigning parties from these countries (Baath + Taliban) we did financially and militarily support them for decades when it was convienant for us...majority of the civilians say it was much more stable pre 2001, infrastructures, economys, medical facilities, schools all collapsed, there was less death, destruction, chaos, hunger, etc...we have created civil wars within countries, terrorists from all over the world now can go to Iraq or Afghanistan to specifically conduct Jihad on our fellow brothers + sisters in arms, most terrorists are from Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Yeman, Jordan, Syria, Libya, Pakistan not Iraq or Afghanistan...we're hitting a bee hive witha wiffle ball bat for what? I don't think I'm proud of my war like my grandpa was of his...all these deaths and injuries (both physical and mental) for what? For what? And don't give me some patriotic, propaganda bullshit

 

[Jimmy1]

Thanks for sharing your broken mind Zip.

 

[Wagon]

Hey OIFvet. Thats the hate coming through loud and clear. No war makes sense, not even your grandfathers.

Hitler got all the money he needed from an American named Prescott Bush and Japan had free reign of the Far East for 15 years courtesy of Theodore Roosevelt and his little Nobel Prize. Then everyone got upset about it when things started getting out of control. Hell the fire was fully fueled by that point. And by who or whom?

Whichever way you cut it up, eventually no war makes sense. Time passes and new info comes out, at the core, in general many lies have been told. War in essence is a great lie in itself. Fighting for freedom, f*cking for virginity, yup, same shit. You will generally find huge lies at the core of every reason for war.

They attacked us = We've been supplying them with weapons for years.
A Threat to our National Interest = They got shit we want
For your security = We're afraid of the general public and need to control it more
Spreading Democracy = Bomb the crap out of them until they see it our way.
Mission Creep = Boy did we f*ck up, didn't think it would take this long.

It starts off with lies and just breeds more lies. You will literally drive yourself crazy thinking about it. I think it is OK to think about these things, because war has changed....we don't call it war anymore. This is wrong. We're being trained to not say "War". Now it's an "Operation" OIF, AIF, whatever. It was a WAR. It is a WAR.

Perhaps the way to crack this is stop dwelling on the past and change the way we speak on a daily basis. Say WAR to people. Not OIF or whatever front we were on. I throw that little word into the faces of Norwegians allot. War. The government here has done such a good job of covering up their participation in Afghanistan that the general public has no idea that their young men are getting shot up in Afghanistan. This has to change.

If we allow the powers that may be, media, government to change our language and repackage war as something entirely different, then this current war will never end. Call a duck a duck.

As Veterans I think our lasting mission is to help those brothers and sisters that made it back AND to act as a stern warning that War is not something to be taken lightly or hidden behind clever words.

Sorry for the ramble.

 

[OIFvetIVAW]

Like Ben Franklin sai "There is no good war or bad peace"...thanks for some morning inspiration wagon, FTW

 

[Zipperhead]

I think I know why I posted this. More petrol, more bridges. Trying to provoke a debate I could blow up at. Lay out my reality and wait for someone to piss in my cornflakes. No, I will never believe that the Taliban deserved anything other than what they got. I will never accept that the war there was a conspiracy, and unjustified. They harbored war criminals, and reaped the results. F### em. But I am not going to light that match. To each his own. If we want to believe that our society is so corrupt as to orchestrate a war by killing it's own people, have at er. How can I argue that the war was justified to people who believe that the Terrorists were framed?

 

[Wagon]

Sorry to trundle on your thread Zip. There are as many perspectives to this topic as there are stars so.....

I think part of your original displays betrayal, which I fully understand. I felt betrayed after the cold war ended and I was out. I was there right at the end, wall going down, everyone hopeful and happy and what happens..... More war. Hot war. To which I have to say the Cold war was not exactly so cool either.

It just seems that what generations of soldiers served to achieve was lost in a flash. Civilization at a pinnacle of achievement...............and it was f*cked up.

Which is probably why I look at anything out of the government with a huge degree of suspicion. That and the fact that after my vessel exploded and damn near killed us all the logical explanation was that a gay sailor smuggled a device into the gun turret to kill his gay lover............I got that news sitting off the coast of Lebanon. So not only did Hezbollah want me dead but evidently a bunch of Queens were running around the ship trying to blow me up as well. Front page news, not a word of it true.

 

[Zipperhead]

I've seen the accuracy of the press first hand myself. You are right. Sheer manipulation by people with an agenda. Historically I have always believed that these people's mandate was to just sell papers by what ever means. Now? I think they just want to f*ck with peoples minds to see what happens.

 

[Tim Cake]

My grandfather was drafted when he was 18 to go fight for our country in WII like most young men his age...he was in the US Army and was a heavy machine gunner or received two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star among many other awards.Growing up he was my hero, the best person I've ever met in my life...he wouldn't tell specifics or any "war stories" (looking back I'm sure he had PTSD, he was a workaholic until he passed away, RIP). He did talk about how proud they were to go to Europe and save everyone from the evil and at the time always expanding Nazi "Empire". They were thanked, loved, welcomed with open arms by the civilians in the foreign countries they had liberated from the evil Axis. They had "saved the world" in a way. Spreading freedom of religion, freedom of speech, human rights, ambassadors of goodwill, etc...my grandfathers war was justified...not only did the Nazis have to be stopped, but Japan had attacked us in our own waters...the global community was behind the Allys and their reasons for going to war...but my war (Iraq) and Afghanistan are polar opposites...neither country attacked the US, neither country was invading any other nation (1991 Gulf War was justified because Iraq invaded Kuwait and it was UN backed), while we might not agree with the reigning parties from these countries (Baath + Taliban) we did financially and militarily support them for decades when it was convienant for us...majority of the civilians say it was much more stable pre 2001, infrastructures, economys, medical facilities, schools all collapsed, there was less death, destruction, chaos, hunger, etc...we have created civil wars within countries, terrorists from all over the world now can go to Iraq or Afghanistan to specifically conduct Jihad on our fellow brothers + sisters in arms, most terrorists are from Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Yeman, Jordan, Syria, Libya, Pakistan not Iraq or Afghanistan...we're hitting a bee hive witha wiffle ball bat for what? I don't think I'm proud of my war like my grandpa was of his...all these deaths and injuries (both physical and mental) for what? For what? And don't give me some patriotic, propaganda bullshit

Your questions are the ones that bother me and many other combat veterans. Trying to rationalize a seemingly irrational set of foreign policy decisions is very difficult. My best answer is we didn't make these decisions -- like good soldiers, we obeyed the directives issued by our elites.

 

[Tim Cake]

I think I know why I posted this. More petrol, more bridges. Trying to provoke a debate I could blow up at. Lay out my reality and wait for someone to piss in my cornflakes. No, I will never believe that the Taliban deserved anything other than what they got. I will never accept that the war there was a conspiracy, and unjustified. They harbored war criminals, and reaped the results. F### em. But I am not going to light that match. To each his own. If we want to believe that our society is so corrupt as to orchestrate a war by killing it's own people, have at er. How can I argue that the war was justified to people who believe that the Terrorists were framed?

Zipp -- those people who believe that the terrorists were "framed" are living in a utopian dream world. Piss on them, one and all.

 

[OIFvetIVAW]

I think I know why I posted this. More petrol, more bridges. Trying to provoke a debate I could blow up at. Lay out my reality and wait for someone to piss in my cornflakes. No, I will never believe that the Taliban deserved anything other than what they got. I will never accept that the war there was a conspiracy, and unjustified. They harbored war criminals, and reaped the results. F### em. But I am not going to light that match. To each his own. If we want to believe that our society is so corrupt as to orchestrate a war by killing it's own people, have at er. How can I argue that the war was justified to people who believe that the Terrorists were framed?

Well I can tell passive aggression towards me from a mile away, I'm not here to change anyones ideas...I'm just expressing my opinion which I am very passionate about, if you wanna talk about war criminals Bush, Cheney and Rumsfield would be prosecuted for numerous war crimes if they weren't from the US AND STILL SHOULD BE who the f*ck gave us the right to go to peoples native lands and tell them how to live, what to think, how to run their society, tell them their culture and way of life is wrong or "outdated", kill, steal, torture from them and who to pray to? Well since the slaughter andinternment of the Native Americans all the way til present day I suppose it would be the United States...if some foreign force (I e impossible but stick with me) came and did these things to America I would be the first "bad guy" according to China, the UN or whoever had the balls to try. Ill stop now because I see where this is all going and you're right, petrol is being poured...but if you have hate in your heart...let it out, ftw