General The Beginning...

[LuciferSam]

I need to say that I've recently met someone who I absolutely adore. Everything was wonderful for months with no indication that anything could possibly be awry, although I was told of some childhood abuse that seemed to still be prominent in the front of the mind.

As months passed, it happened. The dissociation and distance. There was no total break-off but the contact definitely became limited and it seems that this happened as soon as we made plans to move in with each other. Of course there was no way for me to rationalize it as anything other than a lack of interest in where the relationship was going. I pulled back and as soon as I did, it seemed she was making major efforts to prove that it all has nothing to do with me in particular and everything to do with her combating the stresses that existed from childhood. I am a caretaker personality but I refuse to be in a co-dependent relationship. Of course I want her to love me, and there are times where I feel it from her on a level unlike any other, then at times I feel she is totally vacant. I am not ready to give up, but I do not want to prolong a bad situation either. I am definitely bouncing the idea of moving on in my head, not because I want to but as a self-preservation tactic. I don't know that she is emotionally 100% available to me, and I am not sure that I have what it takes to deny myself a stress free existence. And all at the same time, I'm not convinced by any means that it is hopeless either.

That all being said, I do love this woman. I love what she is about, her personality, her laugh, her thoughts. I can point to a million different things and say, this makes her unique and incredibly important to me. What happened to her, is not her fault - I realize this. And so it makes it even more difficult for me because I care enough about her to not want to abandon her like everyone else in her life has done. But I cannot sacrifice my own soul. I feel guilt because of it. And even just writing this down fills me with a sense of loss.

It is a very difficult thing to come to grips with the idea that someone I care so deeply for may never be able to reciprocate in a way that fills my own needs. And that the answer may be to let go. Is that the answer? And if it is, how do I cope with the guilt?

I'm not sure if I just asked a question or was venting. What I do know is that I seem to attract people with PTSD, I've gone through this before. What's more strange is that I never have ANY IDEA whatsoever in the beginning. Even with her, it took months for her to tell me about her abuse and then it seemed as if she had her past completely in control. Only after 6 months did it seem that she didn't. I consciously make sure I don't look for people with a big "help me" sign on their back, but it seems after time has passed and the curtain is pulled back - that is who is there.

 

[ISupportHer]

First, I hope things go the way you want. If you want the relationship, go in knowing what's involved, perhaps you are at least a half step ahead.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on you but in the first part you say you have a caretaker personality and refuse to be in a codependant relationship. At the end you talk about being drawn to people in need. Perhaps some self reflection would benefit you. Of course I am no specialist, but are you drawn to the need to help? Or could it be that you, on some level, know there are issues and maybe it is a way to protect yourself somehow? Not saying I have any idea, but it may be worth investigating. Just one person's observation.

I wish you the best.

ISH

 

[LuciferSam]

First, I hope things go the way you want. If you want the relationship, go in knowing what's involved, perhaps you are at least a half step ahead.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on you but in the first part you say you have a caretaker personality and refuse to be in a codependant relationship. At the end you talk about being drawn to people in need. Perhaps some self reflection would benefit you. Of course I am no specialist, but are you drawn to the need to help? Or could it be that you, on some level, know there are issues and maybe it is a way to protect yourself somehow? Not saying I have any idea, but it may be worth investigating. Just one person's observation.

I wish you the best.

ISH

Hey ISH, thanks for the reply. I wouldn't say that I find myself particularly wanting to be with people in need, but that even when I try to find someone who isn't, the paradigm doesn't shift. I like to take care of people, and I like to take care of myself too. The bit about taking care of myself took a failed marriage to understand. I proposed to the most confident woman on the planet, and I ended up in a marriage with someone suffering from extreme depression. It was literally hidden from me for years beforehand.

I'm not sure that I sub-conciously know there are issues, but I guess that's the idea of it being sub-concious so you may be right. I'm willing to entertain the idea for sure. Realistically I want to take care of someone I love, but I don't feel that I need to do such a thing. I'd much rather have them take care of themselves, me take care of myself and then meet them somewhere in the middle. I'd rather be making dinners and being supportive of ideas and dreams than being someone's personal psychologist. I don't have the talent, the patience or the want.

There are certain things that draw me to someone and they are (in no particular order)... dreams, compassion, spontaneity, logic, kindness, humor, love for music, love for animals, love for family and friends. Of course, chemistry plays a huge role as well. I definitely don't look to save anyone, because I don't think anyone is really capable of saving anyone but themselves.

 

[ISupportHer]

Yes, believe me, I get that. I am definitely a carer by nature and nurture both. I like that you have an awareness of those things about yourself. I think that it is important for carers to have an awareness of how THEY fit into the whole equation. Not that I knew that from the start, LOL

ISH

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi, LSam, I think that it is good that you know yourself, and certainly no need to apologize for choosing a healthy 'person' and relationship- healthy relationships equate to good sound mental health on both people's parts.

I hesitated to respond to this post, as I don't want to offend or express this poorly, but I can only say that as a person with ptsd, I cannot imagine the burden potentially placed on a 'carer' to have to contend with it (although in many ways I can, as I believe I have had and have (an) undiagnosed relative(s) with it, and I know myself and how I can be- it began 28 years ago and really raised it's ugly head again in 2008).

That being said however, people with ptsd are intimately aware of their own frustration in not being the person they 'want' or 'expect' to be, and they really don't need the added grief of someone remaining with them who feels that way about it- pity is not love. Let them go, because if nothing else someone who feels it's worth the gamble may not find them the burden you do.

Similarly speaking- and please know this is JMHO and I don't mean to offend- to me love means loving 'who' someone is, not how you want to make them be. -Not inferring that's grounds or an excuse or justification for someone not to try to manage their own ptsd- just that some times are not going to be as well-managed for all the sufferer's attempts in the world (but you know that).

Unfortunately, ptsd (or any other ailment or reality) can occur at any time in anyone's life- even you could get ptsd at some point. Would you want someone to stay with you based on what you expressed here if the situation were reversed?

 

[LuciferSam]

It's not about what I want, it's about what I am capable of. I've decided that this is not something I can do, because as much as I'd like to be I just cannot be the person that she will need me to be without self destructing myself. I'm letting go, and as terrible as I feel now I know deep down that I am making not only the right decision but the only decision.

That all being said, I am extremely extremely sad. :(

 

[amethist]

Hi LuciferSam

As supporter myself and knowing how hard this is, I have to commend you for being honest with yourself and your girlfriend.

Heartbreaking as this is, it is not wise to stay together when you know in your heart this is something you cannot do. It would not be fair on her knowing this is how you are feeling, the resentment would soon set in and destroy you both more than breaking up will.

Take care of yourself, no one here will tell you to stay, when we all know that this is not always possible, for many reasons.

Amethist

 

[Tinyflame]

LSam, I understand, though all relationships or marriages will inevitably have some problems or challenges, people don't have to sign-up for extra ones.