The Black Box

[Nilrath]

So, here I am. I've tried writing one of these so many times, but the fact is that I am too ashamed of my own trauma to confront it myself -- never mind share it with the entire world (most of the time). I'm not ashamed because I was overly dehumanized by my trauma(s), but because I sometimes really truly believe that the type of trauma that I went through does not warrant the severity of my symptoms.

I want to leave this a bit open to you guys, so that you can ask questions, and help me unravel what happened (if you care to do so). I respond very well to questions. I don't really have any boundaries, because I'm very good at staying objective about things. I just need that extra push.

I wrote about some of this stuff elsewhere on the forums, but I can't really find the courage to type it all out again by myself.

Here's a general timeline/explanation:

I took a trip to Pakistan with my father when I was 11 to visit my dying grandmother. She died while I was over there, and the funeral traditions were a bit too "interactive" for me. Very different from the western world.

While in Pakistan, I was there for Eid al-Adha. It's a holiday where every family sacrifices a goat. I was not really 100% aware that this was happening, and I was not prepared for this. There were rivers of blood in the street, and people killing animals in maybe not so humane ways. I love animals, by the way.

4 months ago, I was working a security job, and witnessed some pretty nasty police brutality. There was a lot of blood involved, and that sent me spiraling back to Pakistan, through flashbacks.

Emotionally/mentally abusive mother, who I still live with. She has made death threats towards me.

Basically, Pakistan sucked, and a recent trauma caused me to relive repressed memories through flashbacks, and I black-out during these flashbacks quite often. My brain doesn't like what I see during these flashbacks, and neither do I.

 

[sedna]

So, here I am. I've tried writing one of these so many times, but the fact is that I am too ashamed of...

Hi Nilrath, In therapy and also in groups I go to in person the comparisons of traumas have been a big topic.

The basic things helping me with that, are that I felt like you just described and wouldnt admit I had ptsd for a very long time. Every doctor I went to diagnosed me with it and thought the were the first because I never told anyone. I felt ashamed of putting myself in the category of people that had been in horrible wars or witnessed the murder of their family or something. The ashamed part was from thinking I had ptsd from just being ill equipped to handle my traumas.

The other problem, was that I realize after all this time that not getting the right help because I wouldnt admit the problem, set me up for walking into more traumatic events. I didnt have the tools you get when you know exactly whats wrong and why.

I was very guilty of measuring other peoples traumas against mine, the truth is we're all the same once we have ptsd.

I think watching that type of goat killing would feel like murders to a sensitive kid. What you've described sounds like it would be very traumatizing, I dont think unexpectedly finding yourself in situations where you see brutality and murder is something thats no big deal. In both situations you were caught off guard and powerless to stop what was happening. Thats where trauma comes from.

My therapist told me that they're discovering that people with ptsd have some tendency to develop it more than others. Two guys can have the exact same experience and one has it, the other doesnt.

Your mom sounds like I nightmare also, Im sure that doesntt help you feel stable.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Nilrath. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I, too, felt that my trauma was too minor to be associated with vets and victims of violent crimes. I'm coming to believe that those of us who suffered childhood trauma were conditioned to believe that we were somehow deserving of the abuse, and because of the shame that's tangled up with the fear and pain of the abuse, we minimize it.

As @coco9 said, we're all the same once we've got PTSD, for the most part, at least. I expect you had PTSD before you stepped foot in Pakistan. If so, then the funeral and the slaughter probably triggered the PTSD that was already there. Does that make sense?

Regardless, I'm glad you're here. :hug:

 

[futurefocussed]

Hun, I'm proud of you.

 

[Poofycat]

I think the feeling that the trauma you experienced wasn't enough to cause PTSD and you only have it because you're weak is a pretty common feeling around here. It is to me at least. I echo what others have already said here, once you have PTSD you're part of the club no matter how you got here.

Is it possible to move away from your mother? It can be very difficult, if not impossible, to heal if you're constantly being re-traumatized.

 

[Nilrath]

Thank you guys! You all really made me feel a lot better about all of this. It's been a little bit difficult for me to tell people about these things for the same reasons that @Mal Content stated. It's hard for me to put myself in the same category as war veterans and victims of violent crimes, but I just really need to accept it for what it is. Also yeah, I suspect that this is something that I've had for a long time, and it just needed that little extra push to actually come to the forefront of my life.

@coco9 Yeah.... I was a very sensitive kid, and I'm still very much a sensitive guy. Animals meant/mean a lot to me, and while I'm not a vegan or anything, I still think that we should always treat animals with respect, and not brutalize them. People too, of course.

@futurefocussed thank you so much for your support!

@Poofycat this is actually something that my T brought up yesterday. She said that I need to see moving out of home as a goal, because it would be (in her words) extremely difficult for me to heal properly if i'm constantly being gaslighted, or mentally abused in other ways. She doesn't hit me or anything, although she has threatened to hurt me/kill me before.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Nilrath. Apparently I had PTSD my whole life, but it wasn't until a year ago that it got triggered so badly that I couldn't (subconsciously) hold back the symptoms anymore.

I have a theory about people who suffer from PTSD. And before everyone starts yelling at me, it's a generalization. I think that people who are traumatized to the point of ptsd are more sensitive and empathetic than the people who recover from their traumas. Judging by the members here, I believe we're also more thoughtful and intelligent. I also think we bond more closely with animals because they're the only things in our lives that don't let us down.

 

[Nilrath]

@Mal Content I have a very close relationship to animals. Despite being unable to speak, they are nowhere near as disgusting as human beings can be. Humans have the possibility to do great good, but they also have the ability to do unspeakable things, and it's SO easy to be evil. Animals don't have that problem. Their goal is to survive, and I think all of us here can relate to that.

My dog lays down on my chest when I'm having an attack/episode. I never trained him to do that, nor is he a support dog. It just goes to show that while advanced cognitive abilities are something that are predominantly a human thing, emotions are mutually intelligible across species. Animals are f*cking awesome.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Nilrath. They are. I have 5 cats and 2 dogs. Almost all of them know when I need to be comforted. :)