General The Choices You Have In A Relationship As A Supporter

[Nicolette]

After reading several new introductions I saw posts which remind me of past ones - a distraught Supporter trying to save a relationship, protect themselves/children and wanting to know what to do.

Ok, I am going to seem harsh but I write this with empathy and compassion.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink - so if your partner is not seeking help and is out of control well then you hold the cards to how you are treated. You have a choice and to me it is better to have that choice and take it than have the choice made for you. By this I mean you may choose to give a ultimatum such as get help or there will be consequences. By having the choice being made for you I mean that you do nothing so your partner chooses to continue to not get help and abuse you.

I value my marriage and I get keeping a family together but at what cost? This is a choice you need to make for you if your partner is not doing anything to get help. You can choose to make an appointment for them but if they don't go and see someone then you can choose how you respond to that. Having PTSD is having an illness. It does not mean that the person cannot think, does not know what they are doing (they may struggle to control it) but it is not an excuse and more fool you if you take it on as one.

If your partner is abusing your children you can choose that they not be subjected to such an environment and can take action such as say send them to visit family for a couple of weeks so you can try and get your partner to understand what is going on and what he/she is doing. One life is already damaged - PTSD should not be allowed to destroy yours or your childrens' or even your pets and you can do something about it.

Fear is the thing which I think stops people from making choices the most. The fear of being alone, a single parent, lost dreams, the breakdown of a marriage and the list goes on. I am not saying leaving is the answer but you have some power so please use it instead of sitting there waiting for a miracle from the person with PTSD when they have provided no indication of any change.

"You'll always get what you've always got if you always do what you've always done".

 

[simplekindofgirl]

One life is already damaged - PTSD should not be allowed to destroy yours or your childrens' or even your pets and you can do something about it.

Nicolette- Spot on with this thread! Especially that quote.

I want to add one thing in regards to children, if that is ok. I have kids. 3 of them. They have all gone to therapy with me, as well as with my ex husband. They have all done their own therapy, but no longer require it. When I was diagnosed, and for some time before that, I was a train wreck. And I was able to love my kids and care from them without an issue- but what I didn't realize was how much of an impact my PTSD played in their well being at those times when I thought they hadn't noticed it. They always notice it.

Kids are usually acutely aware of their surroundings, even when we do not realize it. Being in a PTSD environment is already putting a child at risk, bear with me, because children often mimic the feelings (not to mention behaviors) of the parent. The more disorganized the parent, the more disorganized the child. This of course does not account for their ages, but mine were of an age that my PTSD stress was bleeding off and infecting/affecting them. Unintentionally of course.

I believe when you are a supporter and you see that the suffers behavior impacts the children (to the degree that recent posts have discussed)- you have a responsibility/obligation to the children first. If a person wants to stay around alone, no children, and the PTSD person becomes violent, or whatever, fine. That is a choice as an adult to subject yourself to that. But you can not under any circumstances justify the mistreatment of a child. If that is not a cause for an ultimatum, then I do not know what is.

Let's face it- a lot of us here suffered childhood abuse. Would our PTSD have developed if our brain had not been subjected to that?

 

[Nicolette]

Let's face it- a lot of us here suffered childhood abuse. Would our PTSD have developed if our brain had not been subjected to that?

Totally agree!!! :tup:

 

[Toria]

I'm glad you included pets in that Nicolette - I can take it on my shoulders to a certain extent, but when I realised the situation was making the dog ill I was inconsolable!!! Sad - but true :)

There are times when, if they are not taking responsibility for themselves, that you really owe it to yourself to take responsibility for you... as the longer it goes on the harder it gets. Now if only I could take my own advice...!!!

 

[Sunshine71]

This is brilliant and has really helped me.

I do feel that its fear stopping us - for me its the fear that my hubby will do something very stupid.

I do love my husband - but not what he has become. Its so alien to me and my way of thinking. I am doing all what I can for my family & have done so full on for over 2 years - and I am also thinking that "You'll always get what you've always got if you always do what you've always done".......

Thank you for your amazing words Nicolette and Simplekindofgirl.

 

[mary jones]

Thank you for this. Mentally I have made the decision to not go back to my husband. But, it's hard because at times he seems so delusional like there is absolutely nothing wrong. That he was in the right to do what he did or it never happened. Then when he gets his "release" of aggression he's all smiles for awhile. It's a very typical abusive cycle. Our children saw this, though VERY young, I think my daughter started her temper tantrums early because she saw daddy throw things. This only worries me for the future because if I was to stay and he kept with his attitude and not getting any help, the impact on my kids would be too great and too horrible.

Bah, the next step is emailing him, giving him one last attempt. Or should I say ultimatum? He either gets help and we set up boundaries or we walk. And if he agrees and he crosses those boundaries we are gone. We will not be living with him until he can control his temper or figure out his triggers and isolate himself for a bit. I will not subject my children to this anymore.

Thank you again for this place! It's so nice to have others who know what I am talking about and what I'm going through!

 

[simplekindofgirl]

It is amazing- the lengths in which we will go to in order to preserve our relationships/marriages, how much we will endure for them. You are not alone in that.

 

[mary jones]

Well that is it, I am done enduring and trying to preserve the marriage. It is way too much for my kids to go through. It's just so dang hard to admit this is the end of it and move forward!

Thank the Good Lord above that I have a great family and support system through them. They are willing to do whatever I need to make this easier on me, even if they have to be my financial support while getting this all straightened out.

 

[Eleanor]

And I was able to love my kids and care from them without an issue- but what I didn't realize was how much of an impact my PTSD played in their well being at those times when I thought they hadn't noticed it. They always notice it.

Kids are usually acutely aware of their surroundings, even when we do not realize it.

Ditto on that. My H and I call our little girl "the canary" as she picks up on trouble brewing long before we do. If she is acting up/out, there is usually a good reason.:( As her T said the other day - "and why wouldn't they? Their parents ARE their lives."

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Eleanor- That's exactly what I have heard from T and everywhere else with resources for mental health. When it comes to the children, there is an entirely different set of rules that need to be played by.

 

[Nicolette]

While all these points are valid this topic is starting to veer off and be about children which is not the point of the thread.

If you want to discuss children please post in [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/ptsd-and-the-children-involved.22059/[/DLMURL] and keep this one about being the adult and your choices (which include choosing for your children) but not about the effects on children as that belongs in the other thread.

 

[ms spock]

"You'll always get what you've always got if you always do what you've always done"

Awesome stuff. I think I will stick this one up on my fridge.