The Coffee Rant Thread

[Sludge]

After our recent off-topic foray based on the Starbucks donation, and the long conversation I had with a few vets today about the difference between lubber coffee and Navy coffee, I figured it is time to share my favorite coffee rants.

Some of you have seen the now infamous Denis Leary coffee rant, but I'll repost it for those that missed that gem.
Included are a few more of my favorites.

 

[Sludge]

 

[JarHed]

$6 for piss water coffee just to be cool is just flat out stupid. I hope I've offended someone. :ROFLMAO:

 

[Lurch]

$6 for piss water coffee just to be cool is just flat out stupid. I hope I've offended someone. :ROFLMAO:

Probably, but I totally agree. What's wrong with a sock filled with grinds sitting over a fire for six hours. That is inexpensive and makes a great strong cup O' Joe.

 

[LIllabeth]

So, at 5 foot 7 and 125 lbs, I am not the most intimating soldier on the planet when it comes to being a physical presence. On one multi country ex, each nation was taking turns manning the coffee station. The Marine Captain really screwed the pooch and there was wicked hot coffee spewing all over the place and grounds seeping into what little coffee was making it into the pot. After letting this go on for a while because let's face it, it was 0 dark 30 and quite funny, I, not as a female just as another human being and fellow officer and because the NCMs in the bunker were making fun of him long enough, went to help. He very unwisely chose to make an ass hat comment about how I should have been making the coffee anyway because I was a girl and because of my size not fit for combat. The floor was soaking wet and he was off balance trying to get it under control so when I punched him he landed on his arse in hot coffee and had to have a wet bum for the next six hours. This was day 3 of the ex and when it was my turn to make the coffee next, I pulled a sock out of my knapsack and used it as a filter. The Marine senior NCO was the first one in line for a cup and he taught me many things that ex. Thank you Lurch for bringing back that great memory of an amazing man who took the time to teach me because I stood up for myself and knew the value of "sock filters"

 

[JarHed]

One of the best and easiest ways to make coffee is the French Press method. First you have to have French Press pot. It's simple though, pot, filter plunger, measuring spoon. Put 4 to 6 tbls coffee, get a nice course ground blend, fill with boiling water. Put on top, wait 5 minutes. Push filter plunger to bottom. Pour, hot and tastey. At least I like it. You can drink it black if you like or add milk or creme. Cheaper than Starbucks and tastes a whole lot better. Just this guys opinion.

 

[Sludge]

My brother and sister explained the whole "sock coffee" thing to me. dear god. I thought we had it bad. The Navy decided coffee was too expensive and messy and dangerous on ships around the turn of the century. So in true US Navy fashion, they engineered bigger badder "safer coffee" for the mess decks.

In short a frozen 1 liter jug of distilled water. corn syrup, brown coloring and 15mg/ml of pharmaceutical caffeine was frozen and then placed in a machine that when the button was pushed, sprayed hot water into said bottle which would then dispense a obscenely sweet, brownish substance the was wholly unlike coffee and then an additional injector dispensed coffee flavoring into the substance that resulted in a simulated beverage experience that packed more punch, thus reducing costs, increasing safety and reducing volume otherwise utilized for grounds and filters. The machines weighed about 300k, had a mini frezer and a flash heater inside, used about 1kW per cup and took eight minutes to make a single cup. The stuff made MRE instant coffee taste GOOOOOD.

I went out in town and bought my own perc brewer and secured it for sea with 100mph tape and paracord.

Suddenly everyone wanted to hang out in the weapons shop...

 

[Lurch]

Depends on the safety officer on the ship, if they would allow you to have a personal coffee pot in your spaces. We had one that decided it was an electrical hazard. Of course being medical and having to work odd, long hours we needed our coffee. The sock method with a metal pot on steam line in the fan room worked for several weeks. It ended during a zone inspection when the CO found that the pipe had missing lagging in a funny circle shape. He also noted a peculiar coffee type smell in the space.

Being the Div'O, I confessed and why. We had our coffee mess back that day. Safety O' sure had a lot of explaining after that.

 

[Jimmy1]

When I was in Baghdad, the only coffee the great USA provided was in a stupid percolator bag and it tasted like shit. Maybe us Aussies have different taste buds. So I wrote away to Gloria Jeans, told them my sob story, and received a box of assorted beans, a grinder, and a thermos. Nice.

I did try Kopi Luwak coffee, but it's not my cup of tea, pardon the pun.

 

[Sludge]

When I was in Baghdad, the only coffee the great USA provided was in a stupid percolator bag and it tasted like shit. Maybe us Aussies have different taste buds. So I wrote away to Gloria Jeans, told them my sob story, and received a box of assorted beans, a grinder, and a thermos. Nice.

I did try Kopi Luwak coffee, but it's not my cup of tea, pardon the pun.

Yeah. That Kopi Luwak tasted like shit to me....

 

[Friday]

Eat pussy. Not cat-shit. Shakes head.

Coffee beans, meanwhile, are perfectly edible. And delicious. Just chew & swallow (or swish and make coffee in your mouth). Mmmmmmmm. Chuckling. Freaked the hell outta the squids.

Fav coffee has to be ILLY espresso with an Italian level of sugar (read: f*ckload), and Turkish.

 

[Sludge]

Depends on the safety officer on the ship, if they would allow you to have a personal coffee pot in your spaces. We had one that decided it was an electrical hazard. Of course being medical and having to work odd, long hours we needed our coffee. The sock method with a metal pot on steam line in the fan room worked for several weeks. It ended during a zone inspection when the CO found that the pipe had missing lagging in a funny circle shape. He also noted a peculiar coffee type smell in the space.

Being the Div'O, I confessed and why. We had our coffee mess back that day. Safety O' sure had a lot of explaining after that.

I had the advantage of the CIWS shop and being the solo FC. No one had access but me, the WeapO, CO, and XO. May have helped that I'd let the Safety Officer and the EMC in for coffee...

Ironically, when I ended up in Columbia, I couldn't get good coffee there either.