The difference between being stuck in feelings and feeling feelings to let them pass?

[nukebananas]

I also was numb for a long long time. Which is what causes me confusion now as I haven't learnt how to process emotions. And not having them for so long, I think I need to feel them as I never did. But then that seems to result in being stuck in them. Or fighting them. Or who knows what. Like what do 'normal' people do who learnt all this in childhood? Idk.

I will try my best to word this well - I rarely post in here and am not the best in forums because I get bad stage fright lol but bare with me. Im also known for tangents so be warned

This is partly in response to what you said but more so a reminder for those that tend to get frustrated with their being stuck.

I will make the story short but I was raised in an abusive home mixed with a lot of other big trauma for an extended period of time. Despite that, during my teen years I did take it upon myself to try to understand my feelings via journaling and other coping mechanisms despite constant dissociation (at the time I didnt know thats what was happening but I do now). I then developed PTSD, became emotionally numb and spent the next decade with the weird paradox of not feeling anything but also wanting to process the emotions that came up periodically, kind of like a slow leaky faucet. Because of all that, I know exactly what you mean about the emotional numbness. It makes sense that after you have been numb for awhile, you have a sort of emotional backlog. Instead of viewing myself as stuck on something (which someone could then insult themselves for being in that state sometimes, because people are often hard on themselves), I just view it more so that youre just needing some extra time to process something. No shame involved, just facts. Often its the shaming of oneself that causes you to stay immobile.

I think people often confuse the word "stuck" with "wallowing" when it comes to recovery. The issue with that is a lot of people I know with trauma or even PTSD then flog themselves because they are stuck; its like the word stuck has a negative connotation at times because of this. Then their expectations of their own healing forms a gray cloud above them and hinders their progress because theyre concerned about their advancement vs just allowing the feelings to be, hence the fighting coming into play. But theres a difference between "wallowing" and being "stuck". Wallowing - its a choice. It is something you choose to do. However, being STUCK is not something people CHOOSE. Who chooses to be stuck? Being stuck is against someones will (if you could move, you would!), therefore there is no shame involved. As for wallowing, I will tell you right now - in my experience, people who are actively choosing to heal and work on themselves dont wallow. Get stuck? Sure! But theyre always attempting to move forward, even if slow, because theyre trying to heal. So I think people should be kinder to themselves in that regard.

As FreddyT said in the previous post, I think a lot of what people get "stuck" on doing is ruminate. People dont want to be stuck ruminating. Ruminating sucks! But its done because there is something there we cant wrap our heads around. You are stuck processing. We literally cannot compute - at least for me this is the core of why I ruminate. Alot of times it is done not even purposefully - you just find yourself there. It is almost involuntary at times. So I have to stick the wrench in the cog. You have to work on becoming more aware of your thoughts and actions. Easier said than done and I wish I had better advice for that one.

In regards to letting feelings pass - the key is acceptance. A non-judgmental acceptance. That goes back to learning to not shame yourself. Our brains are interesting things, and a lot of thoughts or feelings just come and go, many without our want or even instigation. You dont actively choose alot of thoughts that come in or feelings that you feel. They just ARE. You can choose to hold onto those things, get mad at yourself for that thing, fight that thing, or you can choose to view it objectively as if it were a science project, and then learn. I guess my point is, a key to a lot of this is letting go of shame and unreasonable expectations. If you work on that towards a more accepting, objective and learning view point, you will fight yourself less often (because then, what is there to fight? the fighting comes usually because you feel you SHOULDNT feel a certain way or think a certain way. its shame). As for ruminating and getting stuck in the cycle, learn a way to be able to put a wrench in your own cog, which I think will be different for everyone. Sometimes, I like to use different words for things if theyve formed too negative of a connotation for myself. So where someone may view "stuck" as a negative word thats easy to flog yourself, then maybe when thinking or talking to yourself, think of a word more like "wading". Just moving very slowly in something. For me, wading has connections to more peaceful things like water, or even a wading pool with kids playing, who knows. You can honestly use whatever words you want to describe your scenario. Just try not to flog yourself for being human.

Basically at the end of the day, BE KINDER TO YOURSELF!

 

[Freddyt]

As FreddyT said in the previous post, I think a lot of what people get "stuck" on doing is ruminate. People dont want to be stuck ruminating. Ruminating sucks! But its done because there is something there we cant wrap our heads around. You are stuck processing. We literally cannot compute - at least for me this is the core of why I ruminate.

There are a TON of rumination threads here. Stopping it is almost like stopping a panic attack. Recognizing when it starts is the hard part.

Questioning feelings is something I do all the time, because my primary reaction emotions are fear and anger. They so to speak "spike" in the beginning, and once they fade I know what emotion I should feel. Understanding that my first reaction is PTSD and not real, is a huge part of recognizing what emotions really should be.

This is a the part of PTSD where we are like psychotics. They practice what they see in others to "fit in" because they don't understand. For us, the big thinky part (prefrontal cortex) is impaired and we have to consciously think about emotions, plus strain out the automatic "AAAAAAHHHHHGGGGG" or overwhelmed reactions. It's not how most peoples brains work and it takes time and space for us to figure it out. It's why being subtle is lost on most of us. The innate ability to pick up clues and facial expressions is lost on us because we have to consciously figure that out, rather than it being handled automatically by the prefrontal cortex.

I think that's the big deal - filter out what PTSD adds - because its automatic, then recognize whats left. It's the difference when your wife says she had an accident - PTSD is angry and worried about the car, when really you should worry if your wife is OK, because the car will get fixed with a couple phone calls.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think you are right @Freddyt but I still don't quite understand how to filter when it is nuanced (usually). For example, the same example with your wife but now your wife lies about the car. Then you (could) think, I should be worried about my wife, not the car or noticing the stress; why is my wife lying; what does that mean..? (Which then might have more triggers embedded in it). So then sometimes the conclusion (just for me), would be, ~ok they are ok- that is what I remember is important. Maybe we can talk about the lies.. (but that is unlikely). It is my problem, therefore stifle it, and feel nothing. Or feel relief (gratitude) they are ok, and mistrust at the same time. Equals doubt. Then probably numbness.

This is the only part I have a different experience:

The innate ability to pick up clues and facial expressions is lost on us because we have to consciously figure that out, rather than it being handled automatically by the prefrontal cortex.

If you have had to live in environments on your toes it becomes second nature. And very good at it. (Though of course it could be misinterpreted to cause.)

 

[Movingforward10]

The innate ability to pick up clues and facial expressions is lost on us because we have to consciously figure that out, rather than it being handled automatically by the prefrontal cortex.

See I think I am highly attuned to this: other people’s feelings and emotions. Because had to be growing up.
but my own, not a clue!

so I relate to what @Tinyflame said.

I will try my best to word this well - I rarely post in here and am not the best in forums because I get bad stage fright lol but bare with me. Im also known for tangents so be warned

This is partly in response to what you said but more so a reminder for those that tend to get frustrated with their being stuck.

I will make the story short but I was raised in an abusive home mixed with a lot of other big trauma for an extended period of time. Despite that, during my teen years I did take it upon myself to try to understand my feelings via journaling and other coping mechanisms despite constant dissociation (at the time I didnt know thats what was happening but I do now). I then developed PTSD, became emotionally numb and spent the next decade with the weird paradox of not feeling anything but also wanting to process the emotions that came up periodically, kind of like a slow leaky faucet. Because of all that, I know exactly what you mean about the emotional numbness. It makes sense that after you have been numb for awhile, you have a sort of emotional backlog. Instead of viewing myself as stuck on something (which someone could then insult themselves for being in that state sometimes, because people are often hard on themselves), I just view it more so that youre just needing some extra time to process something. No shame involved, just facts. Often its the shaming of oneself that causes you to stay immobile.

I think people often confuse the word "stuck" with "wallowing" when it comes to recovery. The issue with that is a lot of people I know with trauma or even PTSD then flog themselves because they are stuck; its like the word stuck has a negative connotation at times because of this. Then their expectations of their own healing forms a gray cloud above them and hinders their progress because theyre concerned about their advancement vs just allowing the feelings to be, hence the fighting coming into play. But theres a difference between "wallowing" and being "stuck". Wallowing - its a choice. It is something you choose to do. However, being STUCK is not something people CHOOSE. Who chooses to be stuck? Being stuck is against someones will (if you could move, you would!), therefore there is no shame involved. As for wallowing, I will tell you right now - in my experience, people who are actively choosing to heal and work on themselves dont wallow. Get stuck? Sure! But theyre always attempting to move forward, even if slow, because theyre trying to heal. So I think people should be kinder to themselves in that regard.

As FreddyT said in the previous post, I think a lot of what people get "stuck" on doing is ruminate. People dont want to be stuck ruminating. Ruminating sucks! But its done because there is something there we cant wrap our heads around. You are stuck processing. We literally cannot compute - at least for me this is the core of why I ruminate. Alot of times it is done not even purposefully - you just find yourself there. It is almost involuntary at times. So I have to stick the wrench in the cog. You have to work on becoming more aware of your thoughts and actions. Easier said than done and I wish I had better advice for that one.

In regards to letting feelings pass - the key is acceptance. A non-judgmental acceptance. That goes back to learning to not shame yourself. Our brains are interesting things, and a lot of thoughts or feelings just come and go, many without our want or even instigation. You dont actively choose alot of thoughts that come in or feelings that you feel. They just ARE. You can choose to hold onto those things, get mad at yourself for that thing, fight that thing, or you can choose to view it objectively as if it were a science project, and then learn. I guess my point is, a key to a lot of this is letting go of shame and unreasonable expectations. If you work on that towards a more accepting, objective and learning view point, you will fight yourself less often (because then, what is there to fight? the fighting comes usually because you feel you SHOULDNT feel a certain way or think a certain way. its shame). As for ruminating and getting stuck in the cycle, learn a way to be able to put a wrench in your own cog, which I think will be different for everyone. Sometimes, I like to use different words for things if theyve formed too negative of a connotation for myself. So where someone may view "stuck" as a negative word thats easy to flog yourself, then maybe when thinking or talking to yourself, think of a word more like "wading". Just moving very slowly in something. For me, wading has connections to more peaceful things like water, or even a wading pool with kids playing, who knows. You can honestly use whatever words you want to describe your scenario. Just try not to flog yourself for being human.

Basically at the end of the day, BE KINDER TO YOURSELF!

Thanks @nukebananas . That‘s a really helpful reminder for me to chill the f out! It all is what it is.

 

[Freddyt]

I should be worried about my wife, not the car or noticing the stress; why is my wife lying; what does that mean..?

People lie because telling the truth has negative consequences, or to hurt others. Concern for her over the car = what happened to the car is not as important to me as her safety.

It's the single biggest thing we do because of my ability to misconstrue what was said. "You said, I heard" and clear communication. Time and space to think clearly. To sort out emotions. So that there is no reason to lie, and no misunderstanding.

Feeling your real emotions not your PTSD skewed emotions.....

See I think I am highly attuned to this: other people’s feelings and emotions. Because had to be growing up.
but my own, not a clue!

What I meant was its a conscious process for people with PTSD - not an inate sense like other people.

I used to do sales and that? Was like putting on a suit. (even my T got that part) You become "that person" on purpose. I could read people well - but it was WORK to do it. It's exhausting to do.

Now - turn that off. And see what my emotions are really like - watch them to see what really goes on. If I didn't anger and frustration would rule. Stop and say"is this real or is ptsd adding to it?" and I can feel what I should...

 

[Movingforward10]

What I meant was its a conscious process for people with PTSD - not an inate sense like other people.

I used to do sales and that? Was like putting on a suit. (even my T got that part) You become "that person" on purpose. I could read people well - but it was WORK to do it. It's exhausting to do.

Now - turn that off. And see what my emotions are really like - watch them to see what really goes on. If I didn't anger and frustration would rule. Stop and say"is this real or is ptsd adding to it?" and I can feel what I should...

Ah, that makes sense.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh yes @Freddyt , I understand lying is a two-person-reaction often, one might say. I meant it more hypothetically as to what 'else' my mind will process or come up with, which is mostly ptsd influenced thinking I guess. I find it too pointless to try to keep communicating though, I don't have people in my life who care to as a 2-way street. (But I am glad that you do!)

Idk if this is helpful @Movingforward10 , but I have the opposite problem, I feel more than think, and I (loosely) know what I'm feeling (and even when I'm wearing the suit but have to act differently). So to not think, is to not feel, is a relief. But then that reminds me, that I do not know how to not feel negative without stopping thinking usually, and Idk how to replace negative emotions with positive on cue. I would say processing traumas help, but I wouldn't say going in circles does. That would be rumination/ stuck. I need to change my thinking or focus or assessments (of myself also) to get unstuck. Also, maybe discriminating what is past, present, or future (unknown) thinking.

I think if you feel something, you should. Better than it coming up later in other ways (eg, grief -> anger).

Best wishes to you in your journey!