Hello everyone :)
Been a while, since I posted anything.
Anyway, my head feels like it's going to explode anytime. And there's is no one I can talk to about it. So I just need to let it all out for a moment.
Quick background.
I'm in a relationship with the greatest woman I ever met, for 10 months now.
In the beginning she told me all about the sexual abuse in her early childhood, that she survived.
So I knew that it can and will be difficult at times. I told her that I stay with her no matter how hard it may be at times when she is really suffering.
I'm happy how good she is dealing with the trauma itself. She is always honest with me, and I know that I can trust her words.
So, when she's feeling good, the trauma has not too much influence on her behaviour and how we can interact with each other.
Here comes the reason for my post.
When she's feeling good...
She's not only suffering from what happened to her, she also has Crohn's Disease and really bad back pain. The Crohn's is currently pretty ok thanks to a new medicine.
But the back pain is not.
The first month of our relationship was the most incredible moments I ever was allowed to experience. Seriously, thinking about it brings tears into my eyes on some days.
Yeah there were some moments or arguments that were a bit tough to deal with in those moments. But hey, that's not a big deal if you lie in bed an hour later, cuddling.
It's hard for me to describe what's going on inside me. Back then it felt like, the most important thing for her was my love. To spend time with me. All the little signs of affection, like stroking my back, pulling her fingers through my hair, laying her feet over mine, holding hands. The smallest of the smallest things, were the biggest for me.
If you'd ask me what's the best time in my life, I'd say those weeks with her.
I felt something I never felt in my life. An emotional connection, I never knew even existed. Happiness, I never knew was possible to experience. And I knew she felt the same. I felt it, and she also told and showed me.
Then, a month later, the pain started. A few things, but what remained for those months was the back pain.
Don't get me wrong. My love didn't change a bit, and I'm sure hers didn't change too.
It's just the emotional numbness that is killing me inside. That feeling of her being distant.
Back then I knew and especially felt her love. Now, most of the time I just know it.
The little things went away. No more stroking. No more pulling through my hair. No more resting her legs on mine. No more hand holding.
Just a few times of kissing (not talking about a peck on the mouth as a welcome) in the last 9 months. No sexual intimacy in those 9 months.
I would never push her to do something she doesn't want to do. Hell, I'm not even talking about it, because I know it would put pressure on her, that I don't want her to feel.
That's why I'm letting it all out on here, to keep that pressure and stress as far away from her as possible. To be strong for her.
On some days I have to admit, though, that I'm just a human. Just an emotional creature like we all are. Maybe to some extent more emotional than others, since I tend to be on the more empathic spectrum of things (which is not always easy).
I don't bring it up, because it's nothing compared to what she went through and is going through every single day.
It's just that... I miss her emotional side.
I miss those moments. Sitting with her arms around me. Talking about how much we love each other. About our future. Living together. Marriage. Cats and dogs.
I miss her hands around my neck. Her smile, that screams happiness.
I'm there for her in her darkest days, and I know she would do the same for me. I know nothing she does, or nothing she doesn't do anymore, is because of me. It's all because of her pain, and the emotional numbness its stress brings with it. I understand that. I am strong enough to be a positive aspect in her life.
That's what she told me a few weeks ago. She said, she's not happy with her life at the moment. The only good thing that she's happy about is me and our relationship.
I'll probably never fully understand what's going on within her head in those dark days.
But I can try to understand her as good as possible.
There are just some days. Some days, that I feel like the worries and anxieties coming with the lack of affection and emotions, is breaking me down.
But I just can't tell her how much it is hurting me. How much I miss her being emotional. Because she can't do anything about it. And that pressure would only make it worse for her.
So, sorry, that you had to read all that. I just needed to get this of my chest for a second.
My thoughts and worries are just going crazy in my mind.
I know it's not me. I know it's not because of me, that she doesn't want sex. That she's shut down emotionally. That she seems a bit distant.
On some days I just don't know how to stop feeling unwanted, how to stop feeling like it's me. How to be confident, while feeling so broken inside.
Then comes the fear of losing her, because of my lack of confidence and strength, and maybe acting undesirable because of thinking I am.
Damn, those spirals of negative thinking.
Pretty much all of our relationship is still awesome. We laugh a lot together, spend a good amount of time together, going out sometimes, or just laying in bed watching tv, reading or sitting in comfortable silence, enjoying each others presence. She buys me a lot of gifts and told me, that's her way of showing me love, since she can't do it any other way at the moment.
It's not the lack of love that I'm missing. I know that she loves me. It's the feeling of it, that I miss.
Been a while, since I posted anything.
Anyway, my head feels like it's going to explode anytime. And there's is no one I can talk to about it. So I just need to let it all out for a moment.
Quick background.
I'm in a relationship with the greatest woman I ever met, for 10 months now.
In the beginning she told me all about the sexual abuse in her early childhood, that she survived.
So I knew that it can and will be difficult at times. I told her that I stay with her no matter how hard it may be at times when she is really suffering.
I'm happy how good she is dealing with the trauma itself. She is always honest with me, and I know that I can trust her words.
So, when she's feeling good, the trauma has not too much influence on her behaviour and how we can interact with each other.
Here comes the reason for my post.
When she's feeling good...
She's not only suffering from what happened to her, she also has Crohn's Disease and really bad back pain. The Crohn's is currently pretty ok thanks to a new medicine.
But the back pain is not.
The first month of our relationship was the most incredible moments I ever was allowed to experience. Seriously, thinking about it brings tears into my eyes on some days.
Yeah there were some moments or arguments that were a bit tough to deal with in those moments. But hey, that's not a big deal if you lie in bed an hour later, cuddling.
It's hard for me to describe what's going on inside me. Back then it felt like, the most important thing for her was my love. To spend time with me. All the little signs of affection, like stroking my back, pulling her fingers through my hair, laying her feet over mine, holding hands. The smallest of the smallest things, were the biggest for me.
If you'd ask me what's the best time in my life, I'd say those weeks with her.
I felt something I never felt in my life. An emotional connection, I never knew even existed. Happiness, I never knew was possible to experience. And I knew she felt the same. I felt it, and she also told and showed me.
Then, a month later, the pain started. A few things, but what remained for those months was the back pain.
Don't get me wrong. My love didn't change a bit, and I'm sure hers didn't change too.
It's just the emotional numbness that is killing me inside. That feeling of her being distant.
Back then I knew and especially felt her love. Now, most of the time I just know it.
The little things went away. No more stroking. No more pulling through my hair. No more resting her legs on mine. No more hand holding.
Just a few times of kissing (not talking about a peck on the mouth as a welcome) in the last 9 months. No sexual intimacy in those 9 months.
I would never push her to do something she doesn't want to do. Hell, I'm not even talking about it, because I know it would put pressure on her, that I don't want her to feel.
That's why I'm letting it all out on here, to keep that pressure and stress as far away from her as possible. To be strong for her.
On some days I have to admit, though, that I'm just a human. Just an emotional creature like we all are. Maybe to some extent more emotional than others, since I tend to be on the more empathic spectrum of things (which is not always easy).
I don't bring it up, because it's nothing compared to what she went through and is going through every single day.
It's just that... I miss her emotional side.
I miss those moments. Sitting with her arms around me. Talking about how much we love each other. About our future. Living together. Marriage. Cats and dogs.
I miss her hands around my neck. Her smile, that screams happiness.
I'm there for her in her darkest days, and I know she would do the same for me. I know nothing she does, or nothing she doesn't do anymore, is because of me. It's all because of her pain, and the emotional numbness its stress brings with it. I understand that. I am strong enough to be a positive aspect in her life.
That's what she told me a few weeks ago. She said, she's not happy with her life at the moment. The only good thing that she's happy about is me and our relationship.
I'll probably never fully understand what's going on within her head in those dark days.
But I can try to understand her as good as possible.
There are just some days. Some days, that I feel like the worries and anxieties coming with the lack of affection and emotions, is breaking me down.
But I just can't tell her how much it is hurting me. How much I miss her being emotional. Because she can't do anything about it. And that pressure would only make it worse for her.
So, sorry, that you had to read all that. I just needed to get this of my chest for a second.
My thoughts and worries are just going crazy in my mind.
I know it's not me. I know it's not because of me, that she doesn't want sex. That she's shut down emotionally. That she seems a bit distant.
On some days I just don't know how to stop feeling unwanted, how to stop feeling like it's me. How to be confident, while feeling so broken inside.
Then comes the fear of losing her, because of my lack of confidence and strength, and maybe acting undesirable because of thinking I am.
Damn, those spirals of negative thinking.
Pretty much all of our relationship is still awesome. We laugh a lot together, spend a good amount of time together, going out sometimes, or just laying in bed watching tv, reading or sitting in comfortable silence, enjoying each others presence. She buys me a lot of gifts and told me, that's her way of showing me love, since she can't do it any other way at the moment.
It's not the lack of love that I'm missing. I know that she loves me. It's the feeling of it, that I miss.
