The Dog

[user17231]

So it's been a few days, but I thought I'd share my story as someone may relate or have some helpful advice.

Let me give a brief background of myself, since I've been quiet lately. I'm 26 years old and I've been living with my girlfriend for 8 years. I'm a survivor of childhood abuse. I've been in therapy for 9 months or so, and prior to that I pushed away anyone who might want an emotional relationship with me on any level. I didn't understand why, then.

I've been terrified of marriage, getting a dog (something she's always wanted), or having kids (we're not sure yet). I feel bad that I hold back so many of her dreams and ambitions. I struggle to plan and enjoy vacations, also, which is another thing she greatly wants out of life.

So about 3 months ago we discussed and I agreed to getting a dog. Our meetings with breeders were very difficult, I found myself filled with the thought of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm often filled with thoughts of "being caught" when I'm in social situations.

Saturday we finally brought the dog home. I've never been a "dog person", but I like seeing my girlfriend happy, and I'm happy to put in my part to help raise the puppy. Over the course of the day she played with the dog and I hid away, as I often do, playing video games with friends. Toward the end of the day she came up and had a talk with me, saying she was going to need me to be more involved, because it's going to be a lot of work.

I don't know what happened, I broke down. I started arguing and being defensive. She said she'd need to be sure I could let the dog out before she got home and I said I would let him out then put him right back in his cage. Of course this isn't true, but I felt this pressing sense of vulnerability, like what little stability I had in my life was being ripped out from under me. The routine I've built is, for some reason, very important to me. I have the same fears about marriage and children.

This went on for 20 minutes or so, then broke down into me being more honest about my feelings. She doesn't really understand, but I could tell she wants to. A little while later she came back upstairs, where I was sitting at my computer reading PTSDForum.org posts, and crying.

I spent the whole weekend with this feeling of impending doom, and being reminded that it was the same feeling I had each time we got a cat (We've had 3, one ran away :-(). Does it even stop?

I looked to her at one point, tears streaking down my face, and said "I don't think I could ever have children, look what happened when I got a dog."

:-(

 

[inspirit]

Shame, that sounds very hard for you. I think that I know how you feel. Maybe you could try to look at the dog as an opportunity to show yourself that you can handle change, rather than as a threat to your routine and stability. It could be the perfect situation to experiment and take a small step out of your comfort zone with.

If you and your girlfriend have been together for 8 years, it seems to me that you have enough stability in her to try and branch out in other areas, even if it is slowly and just a tiny bit at a time. I found that my routine was my way of controlling everything i possibly could and eliminating things I could not control by not allowing them into my routine. But you can't control everything - not if you want to move forward. I really feel for you, it's hard to realise that you can't control everything, but it is also very liberating. I hope you are alright.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Change is difficult but I would rather be around my dogs than most people. They always love you even if you screw something up. Nobody is going to sneak up on me when I have my dogs around. I can relax a little.

I can complain to my dog about all of the things in this screwed up world we find ourselves in and I always get a wagging tail. They never talk back and seem to always agree with my point of view.

I have a cat too and I have discussions with him too but he just kind of yawns and looks disinterested. Besides you never own a cat they just tolerate you. Cats don't run away they find better accommodations.

Unlike my cat my dogs always treat me like I'm the most important person in the world.

Find a dog park and a nice quiet spot to sit and let the dog do his thing. Takes very little input from you and the dog will think he's in heaven. The dog will love you and will accept the whatever the amount attention you feel is appropriate.

I find the dog park works well with kids too...

 

[Bernie's_mom]

Personally, I couldn't live without my dog. He helps me feel safe. He also helps me get grounded when intense anxiety or dissociation take hold (try remaining spaced out with a 100+ pound dog in your lap, licking you in the face).

Maybe try to look at the new dog in your life as a tool--he's there to earn his keep. Is there a role that he could play? Emotional support? Physical safety?