The Downward Spiral

[Carealot]

I can't seem to get off this blame/shame guilt trip after I left work due to bullying/intimidation (psychological games). I feel I cannot stop spiraling...I see a T., but after many sessions I cannot stop these repeated emotions especially when I get flashbacks..The anger starts, then it turns into another emotion until I am left with guilt etc. It gets so bad at times I experience chest pain and when I am done experiencing the emotions I just want to sleep. I feel I have not talked about the trauma with my therapist to its full extent. I only talk pieces..but that's just it, it's only fragments. I feel stuck and I am getting more frustrated with each day. Any suggestions?

 

[cherryblossom]

My best suggestion to you, is to write your thoughts down. That could be here if you wanted feedback or just on a piece of paper. When all sorts of stuff is running round in our heads, it's hard to clarify and think logically about things. But I find if you try to write things down, it can help you to think clearly.

The other thing I have done, is to write about my trauma. I find it really hard to talk about. I have written it down, and handed it to my T to read. It opened conversations. Eventually I was able to read what I'd written aloud, and gradually, I'm getting to the point where I can speak about it without reading from a sheet of paper, or clamming up completely. She has already read everything, that happened to me, so talking about it is easier. She already knows, so I'm not telling her anything that will shock her. It takes time. And sometimes, it doesn't matter how you tell your therapist, (written or spoken) - just tell them. There really is nothing pleasant about therapy - it's hard work. You just have to ride it out. Feeling safe in therapy, and building up a relationship with your therapist is important. I say several, before I found one that I 'clicked with'. Like I said it's never going to feel 100% safe to talk about your trauma, but you will know, when you are with the right therapist, and you feel as safe as you ever will to talk about it. Remember, that however hard it is to talk, it WILL benefit you in the long run. Trust your therapist, and try your best to open up, in whatever way you can.

 

[Srain]

I know it's hard, I'm going through it now. I told my tdoc not too long ago I just don't think this is working for me that I don't know what I'm doing. She ask me to "trust the process", I got honest and said I don't know if I do. I told her I see people online that are getting through it, in my heart I know it works, in my gut I know it can work, I just feel like it's overwhelming.

It's very difficult to trust another person. It's difficult to get out of the tornado of emotions whirling in our heads. When I finally found someone to talk to about the things inside it all came out, endless floods of tears and pain. Emotional flooding. The same thing I have been doing at home for years. When she acknowledged my pain and I got to the point of saying I feel there is no hope - that's the point things finally turned around for me. I can't explain why, I just seemed to finally surrender to the process and was willing to do what needed to be done, share what the things I never told anyone before and face some truths about it all. It's different for everyone.

I love what CB wrote about writing and printing it off because it was suggested to me when I first came here and that's what did and still do. I found myself making 2 copies, one for her and one for me and just handing it to her when I walked in. It was so hard to just take a deep breath and, for me, do a skeleton version of my first memory of a trauma. That began the process. I gave her that, the skeleton version of my life and have been filling in where the traumas fit in since. People do it differently, depending on what makes them comfortable. Some like to begin at the beginning and go from there.

So through all my blah blah blah, I'm trying to say -yeah, it's very tough, I feel it in your post but I know you can do this. Maybe you just need to get some more pain out and then when you at that point you will be ready to start writing and sharing. Hang in there.

Peace and healing...
Rain