Relationship The dreaded “I can’t be in a relationship right now” text

[Respectfully1979]

all the questions

Sooooooooooooo many!!! He's been uncommunicative for 6 weeks now. It's so hard being left in the dark when you don't know if there's any light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Butterfly64]

Sooooooooooooo many!!! He's been uncommunicative for 6 weeks now. It's so hard being left in the dark when you don't know if there's any light at the end of the tunnel.

That is a long time. My ex would text me if he didn’t hear from me for maybe 3-7 days. Texts like; how was your day. How long have you guys been together?

 

[Respectfully1979]

That is a long time. My ex would text me if he didn’t hear from me for maybe 3-7 days. Texts like; how was your day. How long have you guys been together?

We're in a pretty new relationship 6 months or so, but it's been very intense from the start and spent every moment together since out first date. It makes sense to me, why he felt it was easier to remove me from the picture when he knew his symptoms started getting worse. We have messaged each other, but not consistently. I've been holding off from messaging him too in case it's not what he wants.
I also told him that I want to stand by him and I'm not walking away, and said for him to let me know if I'm misleading myself or doesn't see a future with me. He messaged on the weekend asking how I was and we had a short message exchange which actually felt like a breakthrough. I then sent him a picture and said have a great day and nothing! I do feel better about things, but it's such a bumpy road!! It's the lack of communication and the hot and coldness of messaging that I'm struggling with the most at the mo

 

[Butterfly64]

We're in a pretty new relationship 6 months or so, but it's been very intense from the start and spent every moment together since out first date. It makes sense to me, why he felt it was easier to remove me from the picture when he knew his symptoms started getting worse. We have messaged each other, but not consistently. I've been holding off from messaging him too in case it's not what he wants.
I also told him that I want to stand by him and I'm not walking away, and said for him to let me know if I'm misleading myself or doesn't see a future with me. He messaged on the weekend asking how I was and we had a short message exchange which actually felt like a breakthrough. I then sent him a picture and said have a great day and nothing! I do feel better about things, but it's such a bumpy road!! It's the lack of communication and the hot and coldness of messaging that I'm struggling with the most at the mo

Short message exchange ohhhh yes....been there done that. He would text me and I would answer and then silence....say what? The worst part of them disappearing for a while is that each time it feels that it is over. I would check my phone constantly. At a point I got a little more use to it. I didn’t contact him...which was a smart move, because then he started to get better at contacting me.

 

[Respectfully1979]

Short message exchange ohhhh yes....been there done that. He would text me and I would answer and then silence....say what? The worst part of them disappearing for a while is that each time it feels that it is over. I would check my phone constantly. At a point I got a little more use to it. I didn’t contact him...which was a smart move, because then he started to get better at contacting me.

Yup! Trying to take the moral high ground and wait for them to message you - shittest game ever!!!

 

[Butterfly64]

Yup! Trying to take the moral high ground and wait for them to message you - shittest game ever!!!

It feels like a game! An immature game for teenagers and not grown ups! But it isn’t a game...it is PTSD at its most charming ?

 

[Respectfully1979]

It feels like a game! An immature game for teenagers and not grown ups! But it isn’t a game...it is PTSD at its most charming ?

You're so right. It's definitely not a game for anyone involved, although can feel like it for sure!!

 

[Respectfully1979]

Do many sufferers let their partners in and allow support on the basis that they work together as a team? How do you get to that point? Assuming that isolation is common place....

 

[candor]

While push and pull is quite common, the amount of space needed differs. I am now meeting my friend after four months of no contact. He stopped answering texts and I wrote looks like you need space. I initiated the contact by sending him a mp3 file of a song we like. So we will meet on thursday to coffee or movie. He wrote his nerves cannot handle both. I dont know if he will discuss getting fired from work with me. I am usually no help when his symptoms flare up so I stay clear and I am grateful when he deals with this alone. We would see each other once a week because I was a customer at his workplace but I doubt he be putting an effort to seeing me that often going forward. YET.....I am the only one that has reached out to him. I am the only person he sometimes confides in. He will consistently change his mind about how trustworthy I am. That is a symptom. He equates getting close to setting himself up for dissappointment. He would rather dissappointment me first than patiently wait for what he deems to be inevitable. He is repeating his childhood trauma with me and the dissappointment-rejection cycle repeats itself. When he is this confused, he is really a scared 3 year old.

He has really messed up this time and is utterly alone. Understanding the why he does what he does has not helped me as much as understanding why I do what I do. I plan to just let him take the lead when we do meet. Communications until then are about when and where to meet. Myself ...I am walking on an icy lake being careful not to sink and asking myself wtf. Yup. I know how it use to feel underneath that ice where no one could reach me. I guess that is a bad excuse or what?

 

[candor]

Do many sufferers let their partners in and allow support on the basis that they work together as a team? How do you get to that point? Assuming that isolation is common place....

This is where sufferers are different. This is where comorbidity with other mental issues complicates things. And it can seem like a multiple personality thing because the identity can be shattered. When not symptomatic the response is different. In those occasions, they may open up. It can be very painful for some sufferers to get close cause their emotions become completely unmanageable. Some feel naseua. When they are symptom free, you get to that closeness when you convince them that they are safe and that you will not hurt them. I never promise things like you can trust me but rather say I do what i can to be trustworthy. His brain sets me up for failure so its like trying to avoid the mine traps.

 

[Respectfully1979]

I am the only one that has reached out to him. I am the only person he sometimes confides in

I get the impression that my partner doesn't confide in anyone else either, although at one stage I thought he spoke to everyone but me, but realise now that this isn't the case. He's withdrawn from everyone I think. The thing is, he had treatment not so long ago which is why it came as such a shock when it came back full force. He says that he doesn't have the energy to get help at the moment and I know that pushing him down this path wont help and I need to respectful that he needs to go at his own pace.

 

[Respectfully1979]

This is where sufferers are different. This is where comorbidity with other mental issues complictes things. And it can seem like a multiple personality thing because the identity can be shattered. When not symptomatic the response is different. In those occasions, they may open up. It can be very painful to get close otherwise. Some feel naseua. You get to that closeness when you convince them that they are safe and that you will not hurt them. I never promise things like you can trust me but rather say I do what i can to be trustworthy.

I'm hoping that me being kind, understanding and giving him space will help build that trust between us. I guess I just need to let him focus on getting well and do my best to stand by him and get on with my life in the meantime. I've chosen to stick by him and he knows this, so it comes down to how patient I will be able to be... This forum helps a lot though - at least I can get it out and not stew on things...