Relationship The dreaded “I can’t be in a relationship right now” text

[candor]

@Respectfully1979 Any complimentment, word of kindness and encouragement can be easily interpreted as irony, pity or taken as a down right lie. Then come the apologies and regrets and the whole things is so exhausting for both parties. This is why I don’t dwell on what is said. The words you say don’t matter cause if that switch is turned on where everything you say is interpreted in the worse possible way, then you got to get your thick skin on and ignore it. He may not remember what he says. I am practicing at calling him out when he does something I don’t like. However, you learn to sense when even that is not a good idea. He is smart and at times it has been like fighting the devil himself. You can’t win. I don’t raise my voice, I don’t criticize and i say “Talk nice or come back when you can”. However 6 months, 2 years or 4 years are periods of time that can be used with people that will treat you better. In trying to understand him, I really changed my views about who I am and how I got there. I have no regrets except that the closeness is less about our stories and more about intuition and guesswork. Big insight: If I were not in his life, there would be no one...literally no one to challenge him to be a better version of himself. He returns the favor in a big way. And now anything can happen cause as of late he no longer can bait me into a fight. And I have to remind myself that I cannot be lazy and think that it means all is good. I see him less because of his belief that he does not deserve good.

@Butterfly You are being wise by not pushing therapy on him. I tell everyone that going to a therapist is just a question of mental hygiene. If you get a toothache you see a dentist. I get regular tune ups and see different therapists and have no doubts about when its needed.

 

[Butterfly64]

@Respectfully1979 Any complimentment, word of kindness and encouragement can be easily interpreted as irony, pity or taken as a down right lie. Then come the apologies and regrets and the whole things is so exhausting for both parties. This is why I don’t dwell on what is said. The words you say don’t matter cause if that switch is turned on where everything you say is interpreted in the worse possible way, then you gotto get your thick skin on and ignore it. He may not remember what he says. I am practicing at calling him out when he does something I don’t like. However, you learn to sense when even that is not a good idea. He is smart and at times it has been like fighting the devil himself. You can’t win. I don’t raise my voice, I don’t criticize and i say “Talk nice or come back when you can”. However 6 months, 2 years or 4 years are periods of time that can be used with people that will treat you better. In trying to understand him, I really changed my views about who I am and how I got there. I have no regrets except that the closeness is less about our stories and more about intuition and guesswork.

@Butterfly You are being wise by not pushing therapy on him. I tell everyone that going to a therapist is just a question of mental higiene. If you get a toothache you see a dentist. I get regular tune ups and see different therapists and have no doubts about when its needed.

Thanks ? For some strange reason, de doesn’t believe he needs to go to therapy. Some days he agrees it would be best for him...some days he is completely closed off to the idea. He used to work in family therapy and I have to admit, I am puzzled as to why he keeps avoiding therapy. I am keeping my distance and have given up on him. He exhausted me.

 

[candor]

Exact same story with my guy as yours. However, he then changed his mind and said that he has always seen one. It must be heartbreaking when they feel that no progress is made. Their brains takeover and they get to watch in horror. His stories are not consistent but his behaviour is. Therefore, my attitude is that he does not get to get me to feel anything negative. First two years, i was a basket case. No longer.

 

[Friday]

The thing is, he had treatment not so long ago which is why it came as such a shock when it came back full force.

Life long cyclic disorder. The entire point of trauma therapy is to get symptoms down to nil, and most people do achieve that, but the nature of the disorder is that it can come back full throttle -or even just in small ways- over and over and over again.

If by treatment, however, you mean hospitalized? That’s an entirely different thing / far more about managing an immediate crisis. Like if you’re in a car crash and go to the ER? That doesn’t mean once you’re discharged from the ER that you’re all better. It just means you’re probably not going to die right away. You’ve still got days/weeks/months of inpatient treatment, and months and years of outpatient treatment before actually being all better.

Most inpatient PTSD programs are looking at stage 1 treatment only. There’s a whole lot more to follow, as well as many possible relapses into being just as much in crisis as one was once they were admitted.

He used to work in family therapy and I have to admit, I am puzzled as to why he keeps avoiding therapy

doctors make the worst patients.

One reason a lot of therapists I know keep a therapist of their own on retainer? Is to avoid the process of having to find a therapist when they “need” one. Because, in a crisis, it’s likely to be the absolute last thing on their list to do. For the same reason doctors put off seeing a doctor, or go on 40 2nd opinion sprees when they do. They know too much, and are too close to the situation.

People who’ve been IN trauma therapy in the past run that risk, as well. Because they know too much / know how completely disruptive it is to their lives, or because they know they aren’t stable enough FOR trauma therapy, yet, so there’s a bunch of work they need to do before they can even entertain the idea of it. As well as people who simply decide that they don’t want to (now or ever), again. And /or simply want to work on themselves in their own time. Trauma Therapy is an “easy button” in much the same way plastic surgery is an easy button. It CAN (but not always) effect a lot of change very quickly... but there are risks, expenses, limits, and time issues in play. Some people may want to lose a bunch of weight, first... others are required to lose a bunch of weight, first... others may want to see how much weight they can lose on their own & are happy with those results... and that’s just ONE factor that is affecting people. Saving up for it, having the time off of work, having the months to recover... major plastic surgery / trauma therapy is a BIG commitment. And when you’re intimately familiar with the process? It can and often does make people less inclined to do it, not more.

 

[Respectfully1979]

Life long cyclic disorder. The entire point of trauma therapy is to get symptoms down to nil, and most people do achieve that, but the nature of the disorder is that it can come back full throttle -or even just in small ways- over and over and over again.

If by treatment, however, you mean hospitalized? That’s an entirely different thing / far more about managing an immediate crisis. Like if you’re in a car crash and go to the ER? That doesn’t mean once you’re discharged from the ER that you’re all better. It just means you’re probably not going to die right away. You’ve still got days/weeks/months of inpatient treatment, and months and years of outpatient treatment before actually being all better.

Most inpatient PTSD programs are looking at stage 1 treatment only. There’s a whole lot more to follow, as well as many possible relapses into being just as much in crisis as one was once they were admitted.

doctors make the worst patients.

One reason a lot of therapists I know keep a therapist of their own on retainer? Is to avoid the process of having to find a therapist when they “need” one. Because, in a crisis, it’s likely to be the absolute last thing on their list to do. For the same reason doctors put off seeing a doctor, or go on 40 2nd opinion sprees when they do. They know too much, and are too close to the situation.

People who’ve been IN trauma therapy in the past run that risk, as well. Because they know too much / know how completely disruptive it is to their lives, or because they know they aren’t stable enough FOR trauma therapy, yet, so there’s a bunch of work they need to do before they can even entertain the idea of it. As well as people who simply decide that they don’t want to (now or ever), again. And /or simply want to work on themselves in their own time. Trauma Therapy is an “easy button” in much the same way plastic surgery is an easy button. It CAN (but not always) effect a lot of change very quickly... but there are risks, expenses, limits, and time issues in play. Some people may want to lose a bunch of weight, first... others are required to lose a bunch of weight, first... others may want to see how much weight they can lose on their own & are happy with those results... and that’s just ONE factor that is affecting people. Saving up for it, having the time off of work, having the months to recover... major plastic surgery / trauma therapy is a BIG commitment. And when you’re intimately familiar with the process? It can and often does make people less inclined to do it, not more.

He may have been in hospital, but I was more referring to the EMDR that he’s had and seemed to help previously. I don’t think he’s all that open to the therapy side of things, but I might be wrong. He’s said he doesn’t have the energy for it right now and is plodding along without. Guess he’s got to go at his own pace

 

[Respectfully1979]

@candor Thanks for this. Useful advice. I suppose being that this is the first time he has isolated and we’re only a fairly new couple anyway, there’s an awful lot to try to figure out. Hopefully we will get a chance to speak on the phone or meet up and we can talk and establish some boundaries that work for us both. That way, at least I won’t second guess absolutely everything!

 

[Butterfly64]

Life long cyclic disorder. The entire point of trauma therapy is to get symptoms down to nil, and most people do achieve that, but the nature of the disorder is that it can come back full throttle -or even just in small ways- over and over and over again.

If by treatment, however, you mean hospitalized? That’s an entirely different thing / far more about managing an immediate crisis. Like if you’re in a car crash and go to the ER? That doesn’t mean once you’re discharged from the ER that you’re all better. It just means you’re probably not going to die right away. You’ve still got days/weeks/months of inpatient treatment, and months and years of outpatient treatment before actually being all better.

Most inpatient PTSD programs are looking at stage 1 treatment only. There’s a whole lot more to follow, as well as many possible relapses into being just as much in crisis as one was once they were admitted.

doctors make the worst patients.

One reason a lot of therapists I know keep a therapist of their own on retainer? Is to avoid the process of having to find a therapist when they “need” one. Because, in a crisis, it’s likely to be the absolute last thing on their list to do. For the same reason doctors put off seeing a doctor, or go on 40 2nd opinion sprees when they do. They know too much, and are too close to the situation.

People who’ve been IN trauma therapy in the past run that risk, as well. Because they know too much / know how completely disruptive it is to their lives, or because they know they aren’t stable enough FOR trauma therapy, yet, so there’s a bunch of work they need to do before they can even entertain the idea of it. As well as people who simply decide that they don’t want to (now or ever), again. And /or simply want to work on themselves in their own time. Trauma Therapy is an “easy button” in much the same way plastic surgery is an easy button. It CAN (but not always) effect a lot of change very quickly... but there are risks, expenses, limits, and time issues in play. Some people may want to lose a bunch of weight, first... others are required to lose a bunch of weight, first... others may want to see how much weight they can lose on their own & are happy with those results... and that’s just ONE factor that is affecting people. Saving up for it, having the time off of work, having the months to recover... major plastic surgery / trauma therapy is a BIG commitment. And when you’re intimately familiar with the process? It can and often does make people less inclined to do it, not more.

Amen to that! I have had an idea, that because he knows so much about therapy, depression and so forth, he believes he doesn’t need therapy. He has said a couple of times that he is working on himself. I asked what that means...that he tries to eat healthy, see friends and family so he doesn’t isolate, work out and just take care of himself. Which is good....but stilll...what the hell! Obviously I haven’t commented on that, although it was tempting to ask....and how is that working out for you?! Sure he is in a better place now than a year ago, because a year ago he finally got his early retirement and thus a large amount of money, because of his back injury (attacked app. 100 times when caring for violent, mentally ill men). Waiting for early retirement for app. 6 years....being caught in a rigid system caused PTSD. When he finally received his settlement he decided to buy a house, moved in January and is still pouring his energy into fixing the house up.....which could have waited, because the house was more than fine as it was. It would have been really smart to pour that energy into therapy.
So in a much better place now, but still far from being happy and able to letting me get close to him. I have nothing more to give him....he bled me dry.

 

[Woundedhealer]

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories... it’s been over a week now since my love came to my house after a couple of months of nothing. I think at the end of the day if you can really understand that it’s not about us then that’s where the letting go comes in and becomes easier. It doesn’t necessarily make us hurt any less but it sure does put things into perspective. I know my love loves me , he just can’t handle the stress that a relationship brings. I miss him every day but I’m living my life and I’m thankful for every moment spent with him. Ive learned to love myself and to live in the moment. I sure hope there’s a future for us ... I’m still holding onto hope as i know he is too but I’ve accepted that it’s a hope. Sending love and strength to you all ... may we all find peace

 

[Respectfully1979]

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories... it’s been over a week now since my love came to my house after a couple of months of nothing. I think at the end of the day if you can really understand that it’s not about us then that’s where the letting go comes in and becomes easier. It doesn’t necessarily make us hurt any less but it sure does put things into perspective. I know my love loves me , he just can’t handle the stress that a relationship brings. I miss him every day but I’m living my life and I’m thankful for every moment spent with him. Ive learned to love myself and to live in the moment. I sure hope there’s a future for us ... I’m still holding onto hope as i know he is too but I’ve accepted that it’s a hope. Sending love and strength to you all ... may we all find peace

Gives me hope too. Much love x

 

[Woundedhealer]

Gives me hope too. Much love x

Hope is a wonderful thing as long as we don’t put our happiness in someone else’s hands! And trust me ... I did the heartbreak, couldn’t eat or sleep or even get outta bed ... so I say this after having worked through MY stuff ... much love to you too love! Sending you strength

 

[Respectfully1979]

Hope is a wonderful thing as long as we don’t put our happiness in someone else’s hands! And trust me ... I did the heartbreak, couldn’t eat or sleep or even get outta bed ... so I say this after having worked through MY stuff ... much love to you too love! Sending you strength

I’m definitely getting there!! Lost myself temporarily, but out of the other side of that now. I’m finding that a lot of positive stuff is coming out of journaling. Also reframing my story to be a positive one of personal growth is helping too. There’s his journey to consider in all this too of course, but hopefully our individual paths will cross once more. Time will tell! What a wonderful crazy thing this love is! X

 

[Butterfly64]

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories... it’s been over a week now since my love came to my house after a couple of months of nothing. I think at the end of the day if you can really understand that it’s not about us then that’s where the letting go comes in and becomes easier. It doesn’t necessarily make us hurt any less but it sure does put things into perspective. I know my love loves me , he just can’t handle the stress that a relationship brings. I miss him every day but I’m living my life and I’m thankful for every moment spent with him. Ive learned to love myself and to live in the moment. I sure hope there’s a future for us ... I’m still holding onto hope as i know he is too but I’ve accepted that it’s a hope. Sending love and strength to you all ... may we all find peace

It most definitely is not about us. Still it is extremely hard to let go of a dream, when all the mutual feelings are there.
I have a Tinder date tomorrow ? Part of me wants to run away screaming....I am not ready for this? The other part wants to meet this guy. Just from texting, he seems really nice and in touch with himself...which is a welcome change from being with somebody with PTSD who feels numb a lot of the time. I have to be really careful....figure out if I am ready to pour energy into a new man...if I am just trying to distract myself in order not to think about my ex. I have to take it slooooow! I knew my ex four years as friends before we got together, so it felt completely natural....meeting a complete stranger for a date...minor panick attack ?