The Dreaded End-of-year Three Week Break

[piratelady]

I have a little over a week left. My hope was that I could get a few things in my life straightened out over this break. That has not been the case. Instead, I think I've fallen further down into the depths.

• Goal: Stop seeing someone who is triggering me - I have not been able to do this. Instead I just keep getting further into the relationship.
• Goal: Don't go out drinking while my friend is away - I've been out 3 or 4 times.
• Goal: Get a handle on this depression that has been creeping up - not successful there either. My suicidal thoughts are worse than they have been in a long time.

I was really hoping I could use this break almost to prove to myself how much I've grown and that I can stand on my own. I seem to have proved the opposite to myself.

 

[Abstract]

I have a week and one day

((((Ms Spock)))) if Ok. I hope what I posted before didn't seem invalidating. I know how much of a struggle things have been for you and how long 8 days can be. You are getting there.

 

[ms spock]

No I didn't feel invalidated Abstract. Thanks for your acknowledgement and validation.

 

[Hashi]

I have a little over a week left. My hope was that I could get a few things in my life straightened out over this break. That has not been the case.

piratelady, I'm sorry that it hasn't turned out as you hoped. I think it's to your credit that you had goals, and you're so honest in looking at that. This isn't easy. Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[maddog]

Thanks so so much for your words Abstract and Hashi.

Hashi, the way you describe your feelings and experiences without your therapist could have come straight off my own keyboard. I know that the goal is that I learn to internalise the grounding, calming, reasoning ability that he gives to me, but like you, I'm not at that point yet, and am perhaps at the most fragile point during which I need those things most critically and yet am mostly unable to achieve them on my own. My very acute knowledge of that fact, and my resulting anxiety about my aloneness, make all of the dependence that much stronger, and the separation that much more painful.

But like yew, I do usually know what he'd tell me, even the things I don't want to hear, and being able to call those things to mind and try to act on them is very powerful as you say. I think of him often and conjour his presence to mind in so many circumstances, which I tend to feel rather embarrassed about confessing, but which is so true that there hardly seems much point in denying it. While this can be helpful at times, it also in some ways makes my sense of separation even greater, as it means I am consciously thinking about him more often... and on and on and on it goes.

I'm trying, with not much success, to tell myself that now that it's January, I will see him again, hopefully, before another new month begins.

In the meantime, it helps to be able to be honest about my feelings here, because otherwise they can easily start to feel like a very lonely shameful secret, and I've probably got enough of those already.

Maddog

 

[DharmaGirl]

My therapist (T) was sick in Nov/Dec and I was sick and missed 2 sessions before he got sick, and then the holidays, and now I don't want to see him anymore. I saw him a couple of times in Dec, but they weren't really good sessions. I think he is trying to get me to be less dependent on him, but to me it feels like he's ditching me. Especially after missing so many sessions. I didn't even feel dependent on him. I feel like ditching him again.

I don't want to go over this with him again. My friend told me last week, "I think your ability to assess what your therapist is thinking is somewhat challenged." She is right. Having said that, I finally got to the point where I could tell him I enjoyed working with him, and he starts pushing me to stand on my own. Which feels to me like a punishment for saying something positive about him. Every time I say something positive about him, 4 times in over a year, he turns it away. Whatever. I was horribly suicidal the past few nights and I am dreading seeing him. I don't want to tell him anything about my life either.

Does anyone get like this after not seeing their T?

 

[Abstract]

I don't want to go over this with him again.

Hi Monster,
I don't know if this helps but this is what I have heard. That there is no right or wrong way to do therapy except for two things. To leave therapy properly and not just disappear (I have been guilty of this) and to discuss things directly with your therapist when you have doubts or concerns.

I certainly have a problem with not wanting to go back when I have a break and that is probably part of why I am now stuck out of therapy. I think it is self defence for me. Feeling dependent is so scary that I push away instead. Its like if my trust takes a knock then something inside me starts pushing away.

Feeling attached or any dependence is painful regardless as it creates feeling in general. That can be hard.

It sounds like you have a lot to talk about with your therapist.;)

 

[DharmaGirl]

Yep, sure do, :yuck: . I do hate feeling that dependence. Once we get back to the twice a week rhythm it will be easier.

 

[ms spock]

I have a week until I see my T now.

It has been a hard time - three of my immediate family members have cancer. I can't go back but it has upset me.

So much grief has come up this holidays. So much in general has come up. I am much more aware of things now.

 

[Ayasha]

I know I will have to go in and see my counselor eventually. I know their offices are closed until January 3rd. As much as I love my counselor, I always get like this when it comes close to time to go see her.

I think it might actually be because I really don't want to talk about the things that happened over break. Usually, I just pretend it didn't happen but this time I didn't give myself the chance to escape facing these problems because I sent her an email about some things father did/said.

I know she'll help and I'll go in, I just don't have to be happy about the things we'll discuss. As I often tell her, "I like you, I hate this." which she laughs at. I don't know, I am excited to see her, because it is so nice to see adults who are kind to me-- something I don't see all the time with my family.

 

[Smushroom]

I have actually managed quite well without seeing my T. I haven't emailed her or texted her, apart from a Christmas message and a New Year message. I have enjoyed my time off work and have actually been doing quite well.

However, the past 4 nights in a row, my T has been in my dreams. I usually have nightmares every night, but the past 2 weeks or so, they have been less frequent and less intense. The past 4 nights she has been in my dreams, and they are strange and don't make sense or are just silly. Whenever I have a dream that she is in, I feel intensely guilty. And it usually makes me withdraw from her. I feel like I have crossed some boundary by dreaming about her, but I can't help it. And the dreams are usually random and make no sense. But it feels wrong.

Not sure when I will see her next, I'm not sure when she is back. I presume next week. I guess I just have to wait to hear from her.

 

[Hashi]

I have a week until I see my T now.

It has been a hard time - three of my immediate family members have cancer. I can't go back but it has upset me.

I'm so sorry.

So much grief has come up this holidays. So much in general has come up. I am much more aware of things now.

This is how I've been feeling. My old defences no longer work in the way they used to. It's like I opened my eyes and now I can't close them again. I need to find ways to deal with the grief and the pain. The holidays have been terribly hard.