The Dreaded End-of-year Three Week Break

[Abstract]

(((Ayesha))) I understand exactly what you are saying. I am sorry it is so hard.

I had to almost make myself do it to try to reconnect a bit more

Hashi,
You sound a lot like me. This is exactly something that would happen to me in your situation. I do think maybe some of it is inevitable and it's Ok not to not beat yourself up about that And then it's also a good idea to fight it to minimise how distant you become. You never know, you may find you get back quite quickly as you seem to have built a lot of trust with your therapist. Once you are in that space with her it might right itself quickly.

I find I have to almost keep the door open as once it shuts it is harder to open. So maybe discussing this here is a really good step in attempting to keep that door open.

I could be mistake but were you going to write regularly as if you were writing directly to her? Could you write something to yourself reminding you of what your relationship with your therapist looks like? To keep who she is and your relationship from being eroded as much.

I think it can also be good to think if one is telling oneself any self protection messages that metaphorically create distance and lessen trust.

Sorry that it is so hard. Hugs if useful.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I was dreading this little break myself as well, but once I got going, I've been enjoying it. Isn't that odd? I know my T will be there for our next appointment a little more than a week from now, and because he's become a fixture in my schedule and life, I do miss him and how comforted I feel after a session. But I focused on myself during this break and continued working on healing in my own way.

I'm liking having this time to myself as I'm sure my T is, since he deals with nutjobs like me all day. I don't know why but I think taking a break whether simply because of the string of holidays and family time or a planned time apart is a great way to clear your head and heart with anybody let alone something as intense as therapy. It makes me wonder if I'm ready to space out my sessions a little more.

 

[Ayasha]

But I focused on myself during this break and continued working on healing in my own way.

That is so great! I am glad you're handling the break so well and healthily.

I am back at school now, and I feel better just being here (even if I am getting up early to be at work, which I really don't mind).

 

[samson]

I have cried for a few minutes, perhaps 15 minutes every day for the last couple of weeks.

Ms. Spock, I totally relate to crying in the mornings. Most of my flashbacks and imagery happen when I first try to wake up. It's really tough some days to climb out of that ick. I'm happy to say that the meds and therapy are decreasing those morning cries. Hang in there and keep taking care of yourself. Things will get better if we keep trying to move forward and not be so hard on ourselves.

Samson

 

[Hashi]

once I got going, I've been enjoying it...

I'm liking having this time to myself... It makes me wonder if I'm ready to space out my sessions a little more.

Loveneverfails, that's wonderful! I'm really happy for you that you're in such a good place.

 

[Hashi]

I could be mistake but were you going to write regularly as if you were writing directly to her? Could you write something to yourself reminding you of what your relationship with your therapist looks like? To keep who she is and your relationship from being eroded as much.

Yes, I thought I would. Oh dear. I realise that usually I need to this because I'm thinking so much how I want to talk to her. This time I'm not thinking it at all. I'm really shutting down, and I agree with you I need to do some things to keep the door open a little.

I think it can also be good to think if one is telling oneself any self protection messages that metaphorically create distance and lessen trust.

I think it is protection. Too much contact with family at the moment is leaving me feeling very unsafe and I don't have T to help me with that. I've been going to bed far too late, resolving not to, then doing the same thing all over again. When I managed to look at what was going on without being critical, I understood that it's because I feel safer being awake during the night, literally staying alert and keeping watch, instead of feeling vulnerable by going to sleep.

It's a difficult one to deal with because family issues are too destabilising right now. I can't even journal about it. That's why I'm thinking it's inevitable to be reacting like this and maybe I should just go with it - keep doing general, positive things to feel safer, keep doing the specific coping things as long as they're not actually harmful, and not worry about it.

I need to hold on to my connection to T a bit more, though, somehow.

Thank you for your insights and support.

 

[Abstract]

Oh Hashi. I feel for you. Contact with family makes me crazy. Long distance telephone call was bad enough for me this year. Is there any way you can distance yourself or at least create mental distance? Any way of helping yourself feel more distanced and safer in any way?

Sometimes it helps me to keep reminding myself that others (your therapist -T- for example) are not my family. To remind myself what the person is really like and remember specific interactions that were useful and safe. It's Ok to keep reminding yourself that your therapist is safe whilst you deal with feeling unsafe around your family and all that that entails. I understand that that can be difficult and scary but I think it is still helpful.

literally staying alert and keeping watch, instead of feeling vulnerable by going to sleep.

I do this all the time and forcing myself to sleep doesn't work. What helps a bit is sleeping on the sofa in the living room and with the lights and television on. I almost never sleep in a bed or bedroom any more. I also find daytime sleeping an alternative that often helps for me (bizarrely I often try to get some sleep at work:O_o:).

Your T is safe and it is OK to keep her safety and real personality in mind.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I am back at school now, and I feel better just being here

I know that feeling a little! I'm sorry if my post came across to anybody as rude. I meant it more as a 'why isn't this hitting me as hard as it usually does' sort of thing and it came out a little prissy instead. This is actually the first time I haven't struggled with being out of contact with my T. I'm glad it's happening, even if I really don't get it.

 

[Ayasha]

I meant it more as a 'why isn't this hitting me as hard as it usually does' sort of thing and it came out a little prissy instead.

I didn't read that as you being prissy, because I kind of understand what you mean. But I think it's a sign you're improving in managing. I'm glad you are doing well.

 

[Hashi]

I didn't think it was rude or prissy at all. I'm also glad you're doing well.

 

[Abstract]

sort of thing and it came out a little prissy instead.

Oh, I agree with the others LNF! Not at all and if anything it is inspiring. It helps so much when we see others who are getting stronger in any way. Good for you and I am sure you have worked hard to get here!:tup:

 

[Loveneverfails]

You guys are so great, I'm glad I didn't hurt or upset anybody. I see my T in another week, I hope this feeling lasts. It's been a welcome change. And I can definitely understand family being a big stressor. Maybe it's because I had no contact with them this year that I'm doing as well as I am. When people say they miss their family I always think "wow...I have no idea what that feels like." No amount of time away feels like enough.