The Dreaded End-of-year Three Week Break

[Ayasha]

When people say they miss their family I always think "wow...I have no idea what that feels like."

Funnily enough, I miss my family when I'm not there. The likely reason for this is because I always try to remind myself of the good and forget the bad...which is how I keep getting hurt so badly when I go back. My brothers and their families are good though, it's more my relationship with my parents that is not good.

 

[Abstract]

I always try to remind myself of the good and forget the bad.

Ayasha, I understand that type of denial and it took an awfully long time to get past that for me and I still have my moments. Without therapy don't know if it would ever have happened. I realised a lot of the time I was missing the concept of the family that I wanted my family to be rather than the reality of who they were. I do miss them still sometimes but it is a mixed up painful confusing emotion. Accepting who they really are, both good and bad, and not splitting them was hard as it felt like my family had literally died. The made up family that I had created had died and the loss was intense. Sadly recently I have considered that there is another entire layer of denial that relates to them that I still have not dealt with.

And I totally agree and relate to how not accepting the truth puts one in a position where we keep getting hurt. Because we are not facing the truth of the personalities who we are dealing with and therefore protecting ourselves accordingly and expected them to be different. Acceptance is a painful but wonderful thing. ( says the person who who does not believe she has PTSD:notworthy: ).

 

[Ayasha]

I'm still in denial. Denial and avoidance are what I do best.

It is hard because I want to have a good relationship with my parents and I've been trying all semester to have one, I thought they wanted that too but I think our definitions of a close relationship are too different.

I don't know how to not be in denial, especially when it comes to my parents who have so much control over me. They always have, honestly, and I am just starting to realize that.

 

[Hashi]

I don't know how to not be in denial, especially when it comes to my parents who have so much control over me. They always have, honestly, and I am just starting to realize that.

It's good that you're realising and working on this now. It takes time and a lot of work, but you're moving in the right direction. How you see yourself and your family may have to go through some changes, but I think your relationship with them will be better for it, in the end.

Sending good thoughts.

How is it going for everyone?

samson, I wanted to thank you for asking this, and to everyone for your posts and responses here. It's helped me to wake up a bit out of my personal holiday shutdown.

I went back to the email my therapist (T) sent me. She suggested doing something which I'd felt very resistant about, but anyway I did it and now I'm feeling a bit more connected. This means some difficult feelings, but I prefer that to the not-feeling I had before.

And now I'm missing my T and wishing this wasn't my life. *sighs* Time to start writing.

I'm happy that some people are managing well, and thinking of those who are finding it tough.

It'll soon be January.

When people say they miss their family I always think "wow...I have no idea what that feels like."

Oh, me too. I've got no concept of wanting to see them.

 

[maddog]

Starting to struggle badly without my therapist,and particularly as the awareness of how long I have until he's back begins to hit... and hit and hit.

I know what he'd tell me to do. I'm trying to do those things and not to dwell on the passage of time, but rather on the things I can do to fill it.

I feel as though he is so much my anchor, a grounding strategy all his own, and that the longer he is away, the more this tiny boat begins to drift off with dangerous currents that pull me further and further from shore.

For some reason, the fact that I know he is off on holidays at the beach, having a *perfect* holiday with his *perfect* family (said with necessary sarcasm and self-scolding) doesn't help - in fact it is making it harder than I want to confess.

He's not back until some time in the last week of January. Just writing that is making me cry...

MD

 

[Abstract]

doesn't help -

MD, would it help to imagine him carrying you in his pocket as he walks on the beach and holidays with his family? I have no doubt you remain important to him. I am glad you could express that.

 

[ms spock]

I have a week and one day until I see my psychriatrist.

 

[Abstract]

I have a week and one day

:tup: :) (((Ms Spock)))) if OK.

 

[Abstract]

I did it and now I'm feeling a bit more connected. This means some difficult feelings, but I prefer that to the not-feeling I had before.

That is wonderful. Well done to you for doing what is in your best interests despite it being painful. I agree it is prefereble. It is just a matter of actually having the courage to do it.

No amount of time away feels like enough.

LNF, I relate a lot. I have such relief with distance. Even a phone call is so difficult and leaves me with bad backlash. It makes me wonder how I ever managed to have regular contact like I did. At that point I had no sense of the impact it had on me and was living in a fantasy of my own making. It is the fantasy that I miss.

 

[ms spock]

(((Ms Spock))))

Thanks Abstract.

 

[Hashi]

I feel as though he is so much my anchor, a grounding strategy all his own, and that the longer he is away, the more this tiny boat begins to drift off with dangerous currents that pull me further and further from shore.

This is exactly how I feel. In a normal week, I start drifting off but then seeing my T brings me back. Going for longer than a week, I wonder where I'll end up.

For me, seeing my T is almost like having an injection of calm and coping. She's the only person I know who can be strong, secure and compassionate with whatever comes up. That soothes me and shows me the possibility of becoming someone who isn't ruled by self-hatred, anxiety and chaos. I know that's her therapist persona, but I'll take it! And I think she couldn't have that persona as a therapist without genuinely having those qualities to draw on.

I'm working on doing this for myself, of course. But I'm not at the point of being able to do it enough on my own.

The attachment and dependency is such a double-edged sword.

For some reason, the fact that I know he is off on holidays at the beach, having a *perfect* holiday with his *perfect* family (said with necessary sarcasm and self-scolding) doesn't help - in fact it is making it harder than I want to confess.

This is a familar feeling for me, too. I know rationally that it wouldn't bode well for me if my T was spending her holidays lonely, distressed and numbing out (like me, ha ha), but it's still painful. I'm glad that I don't know how she's spending the time. I'd find it very difficult if I knew and was imagining it. I think that would make it even harder.

I know what he'd tell me to do.

I was touched by you saying this. I think this is one of the few things that help, that in some ways we can still connect with our Ts when they're not there, by knowing what they'd say.

I also quite like the fact that I don't always like what I know they'd say. I don't always want to do it. Now, that makes me feel connected to T again.


Hang in there, Maddog. I know it's a long time, and it came at a point when you were doing some deep work together. I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

 

[Hashi]

I have a week and one day

I know you're finding it very hard, and I think you're doing well in getting through the time.

Ms Spock, I'm thinking of you too and wishing for you that the remaining time passes as quickly as possible. I'm glad that soon you'll be counting down the week.