The Dreaded End-of-year Three Week Break

[ms spock]

I stayed awake today. I have spent a lot of time sitting around watching tv and dvds. I am still for quite some time and when I move again all this emotion comes up. It is a lot of emotion. I feel so much grief to be 43. To have no family but a toxic, dysfunctional group of people where the abusers exploit the victims and recycle the behaviours. I feel so much grief to have run away from home to stop my father from killing us all and getting in to the grip of incompetent and unprofessional therapists - one that moved in with me, one that knocked my teeth out, one that groomed me for a relationship, one that bullied me and used me to type up his papers - promising to pay me but never did and got me to write essays for other students, one that had no boundaries and talked about her own problems etc etc I have seen a lot of crappy psychologists - I can see how bad it all is now but it was all on top of the trauma of being in my family of origin and they didn't beat me like my family. I had no idea what was safe or appropriate and I got used and abused. I feel so ashamed for being so naive, gullible and easily able to be used.

My current psychriatrist is appropriate and pretty good. I have made progress but I feel so ripped off for all the time that I wasted seeing people that my psychriatrist says retrumatised me. I tried so hard to get better and all I did was mark time.

I have no job and I live with the bare basics and my life is so hard emotionally and financially. I am on a disability support pension. I don't want to be.

I am attached to my psychriatrist and if she died I feel like I would have no one left. That is really painful to sit with.

My psychriatrist says that I can get better but I can't see how that this can be true at this time. I spend most of the day watching tv, dvds or today having a bath and reading a book, but as soon as I move and get going all these emotions come up.

I have managed okay but it has been a really hard break for me.

I don't know who to trust and let into my life. I am so alone, needy and desparate but I also dissociate and people please when I am with people. I feel like I am in an unwinnable double bind.

I want my little sisters and brothers back that I looked after and saved the lives of when I was 15. But they are dead as people. My mother killed them off emotionally not long after I left - it has taken me the longest time to see that. It breaks my heart. I stopped my father from strangling, sexually abusing, beating, so many unmentionable things - I want to be careful not to trigger people.

I have done lots of things for other people and saved the environment and done some good things over time. I have never been able to do things for myself. I feel so unworthy and lost.

I feel like in my heart/soul/core that my heart is so broken.

I appreciate this thread so much.

 

[ms spock]

This is how I've been feeling. My old defences no longer work in the way they used to. It's like I opened my eyes and now I can't close them again. I need to find ways to deal with the grief and the pain. The holidays have been terribly hard.

I wonder if I will just dissociate again Hashi.

But I certainly have much more insight into things. I have so many double binds in my life. I hope I can deal with the grief and pain. It would be good to feel it and process it rather than be dissociated from it and running of its uncharted course all the time.

 

[Sailorgal]

(((Hashi and Ms Spock)))

So many times I wish there was a real life magic lantern with a genie inside waiting to come out and grant us 3 wishes.

I'm sorry you both have had struggles not seeing your T and experiencing the stresses of the holidays.

Hashi, I hope you can see some good during this time apart from your T. They are a T for a reason, they are a tool and support in our lives. They are human. I hope you can find your inner strength to be able to pick yourself up more and more, learning to love yourself above all. :smug:

I hope you will find new strategies to able to cope with grief and pain, whether it's on this forum or through your T.

MS, I'm sorry you have been taken advantage of so many times by people who's job it is to take care of you. No doubt for your anger. Slowly, I hope you will allow yourself to be loved by those who are truly sincere. :)

 

[Abstract]

I am much more aware of things now.

My old defences no longer work in the way they used to. It's like I opened my eyes and now I can't close them again

(((Hashi))) and (((Ms Spock))) I relate a lot. I know it is better and in some ways it feels better but I long to just be as zoned out as I used to be. The problem is that I realised being that switched off put me in danger and so there is too much of me that wants to be present. I am sorry you both feel overwhelmed like this and that this time of year has brought up so much that is difficult. I sense there is much that has been happening for both of you.

one that knocked my teeth out, one that groomed me for a relationship, one that bullied me and used me to type up his papers - promising to pay me but never did and got me to write essays for other students, one that had no boundaries and talked about her own problems etc etc

Oh Ms Spock. I am so terribly sorry. I can only begin to imagine what that must have done to you. It makes me very angry on your behalf. To be physically and emotionally abused by therapists, exploited and to be groomed as well. It should never happen. The therapist relationship is so powerful. You are incredibly brave to continue getting help after that. I hope you know how proud you should feel of that. It takes a lot of courage and determination. To allow yourself to be attached to your therapist is brave.

run away from home to stop my father from killing us all

And as I have said before - your father is simply deranged and despicable. Its time to start looking after yourself now and your healing.

Safe hugs to you both if you would like them.

 

[maddog]

I feel genuinely lost for words to read of everyone's struggles tonight. Yet I am so humbled by the courage of the people here, how we can all be knocked down time and time and time again... and still we get up, and still we are so much more human and real than the mongrels and subhuman "things" that did these things to us.

Truly, each time I feel overwhelmed by my own loneliness and grief, I come here... and I feel a little stronger - a strength born of true camaraderie, and of knowing I am among life's true survivors.

This thread is very special to me too - somehow it has become a place of great comfort this holiday season.

Let's all keep coming here and sharing what and when we need to - it helps, even if just a little bit.

Maddog

 

[Hashi]

Ms Spock, I don't have many words but I wanted you to know that I'm listening. I'm sorry for the hurt and injustice you've endured. It wasn't your fault that you were vulnerable to people who used and abused you.

I have also felt very broken and lost. It has taken time to even have hope that I can make peace with my life and feel any sense of purpose and connection. It's still very difficult, but things are beginning to change for me. I hope and trust that you can move through this pain towards a sense of peace, safety and connection, however unreachable that might feel at the moment.

I'm glad you'll be seeing your psychiatrist again in less than a week.

 

[Hashi]

I'm also very grateful for this thread, and all the support and understanding here.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I certainly have a problem with not wanting to go back when I have a break and that is probably part of why I am now stuck out of therapy. I think it is self defence for me. Feeling dependent is so scary that I push away instead.

I'm the same way! Dreading going back. Absolutely dreading it. I picture myself sitting in my therapists office not being able to say a word. I've come to understand that I'm feeling a bit angry actually that there was no speak of the break and how I was going to cope. No offer of an email in between to bridge the gap. Problem is that I don't feel safe enough to bring up these feelings as they make me feel inadequate, weak and stupid.

The adult or intellectual part of me knows that if I anticipated difficulty I should of brought this up, but the other side of me wishes that my therapist had "cared" enough to inquire on my well being during the time away. I think this is one of my biggest problems - presenting such a competent, strong exterior when inside I'm screaming for help.

I know I'll get through this though. I'm in no position to quit therapy as much as I would like to.

Thankful that the holiday season is almost over.

 

[Abstract]

I think this is one of my biggest problems - presenting such a competent, strong exterior when inside I'm screaming for help.

I relate very much. It is something I will admit I used to be proud of. Now I just feel trapped by it. I have worked a lot on it for about two years now. Before that I did this to a ridiculous level and mostly without knowing it.

I hope you find the courage to bring up these things with your therapist. It's hard isn't it!

 

[Ayasha]

Well, my counselor emailed me today and reminded me to make an appointment to see her. She must be getting familiar with my tendency to not make appointments. I see her Monday morning, right before my classes begin.

She liked my last email, it had pictures of my nieces and nephews - she said I genuinely looked happy. She was right, I was VERY happy in those photos because I had some of my favorite kids with me. I did have some happy times over break but I can't let myself forget the bad without first working through it.

 

[ms spock]

I am still hanging in there.

 

[Hashi]

still hanging in there.

Tuesday's feeling closer now for me, hope the same's true for you.