The Dreaded End-of-year Three Week Break

[faraway]

I will see you here then, Monster! :)

 

[71nothing]

Thank you for this thread. I really needed to read it. I hate feeling so needy and didn't realize it was so normal to feel that way with PTSD. I feel so dependent on my therapist but I never admit that to her. I have a very hard time admitting to anyone that I'm dependent because I see that as a personal weakness. I can't have anyone knowing I have weaknesses because that leaves me so vulnerable.

Anyway, she is on a three week vacation (short compared to some I now see) and she suggested I find an online support forum. I'm glad she steered me in that direction!

 

[squidge]

Hi Hashi,

Breaks are tough and like you, I struggle when it is time to return to T after the break. I will have my last session on Xmas eve and then my T is gone for 3 weeks. I am trying to stay optimistic and tell my self that this break will not only be good for my T, as he deserves some much needed time away to recharge, but it will be good for me to have a break from all the emotional ups and downs that come along with T. It is a lie though...:unsure: Like you, T and I have been working on a very deep and intimate issue and my connection to him has gotten quite strong. Not seeing him for 3 weeks is going to be harder then I anticipated.

I will be thinking of you and everyone else who is having to go through this.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I just had my last appointment before a three week break and I already don't know how I'll manage for the entire time. I'm starting to freak out about what this three week break actually means in terms of a loss of support and how I have come to depend on my by two appointments a week to keep my head above water. And since I'm stubborn and hate talking about things that make me feel pathetic or weak I didn't even raise any concerns about the time away. I was all "whatever" about it, like its no big deal. And now I'm like it's a BIG DEAL :wtf:

 

[71nothing]

And since I'm stubborn and hate talking about things that make me feel pathetic or weak I didn't even raise any concerns about the time away. I was all "whatever" about it, like its no big deal. And now I'm like it's a BIG DEAL

Me too!

 

[maddog]

About to have my last appointment before he goes away for 5 weeks. How is it that he can be going away for *5* weeks...

Angry with myself too, because I feel so numb and gutted already that I'll probably just be a disconnected zombie and waste our final session. How am I going to walk out at the end I wonder...

It's at this time of year too that I feel the ache of never knowing how to truly say thank you. "Thank you" always seems so inadequat for all that he has given me. I long to say more, to somehow communicate the significance of what he has done for me and how aware of it I am, and yet my somewhat poor social skills let me down as always and I have no words. I wish it didn't hurt so much or make me feel like such an ungrateful failure.

And I wish that I didn't feel so abandoned, somewhere down deep, deeper than my rationalisations about the fact that he's only going on holidays and it's not about me at all. I know it's not personal... but it feels personal.

So, so sad... and scared.

MD

 

[Abstract]

And since I'm stubborn and hate talking about things that make me feel pathetic or weak I didn't even raise any concerns about the time away. I was all "whatever" about it, like its no big deal.

That describes me very well quaintpapercut. And then crumple on my own. :confused:

 

[faraway]

I'll probably just be a disconnected zombie and waste our final session.

I was afraid that I would do that, but I didn't. Hopefully you won't too.

 

[maddog]

No, but I did cry the entire time, to the point at which I could barely speak...

MD

 

[faraway]

Yesh. Hopefully it was unburdening for you. I haven't made it to the crying stage yet.

 

[quaintpapercut]

That describes me very well quaintpapercut. And then crumple on my own.

Yes. I am only able to truly experience difficult feelings when I am on my own. I haven't been able to bring my sadness, shame or other difficult emotions in to therapy with me. It's a two step process for me. My body experiences the session but its not until afterwards that I can actually process the emotions that accompanied what we spoke about. I'm getting a bit better though as we have spent some time talking about it.

 

[Hashi]

I did cry the entire time...

Oh, Maddog. I'm sorry for this very painful situation. I'm glad that you didn't feel the session was a complete waste, though.

I also found that my last session of the year highlighted how hard I find it to say thank you. I started seeing my T this year, and was telling her how much more hopeful I feel at the end of it than I'd felt at the beginning. I was hopeless at saying how big a part she's played in that.

The feelings of abandonment are so hard. Did your T say anything more about ringing you? I hope he can do this at least once or twice over the break. It's such a long time. But I'm holding on to the thought of you at the end of that time, having got through it and going to see him again.

Thinking of you.