The Edge Of The Abyss

[Deleted member 6617]

Don't want to go to see my T today. Already been to see my crisis counselor today. Tired of appointments. Tired of the fight. Tired of not feeling better and tired of the intrusive thoughts. Damn it what is wrong with me!!!!! Put up post its all over my house saying "this will pass, it will get better!". Problem is....not buying it when evidence seems to the contrary. SCREAM>>>>>>>

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear PH, have been in the exact dilemma you describe.

I think one way that occurred to me that might help, is no 'reminders'- that's why they say distractions. IT WILL GET BETTER, but while it does it helps reduce some pain to be distracted if possible (or sleeping) while it 'does'.

Be VERY kind to yourself- make it a full-time job.

Hugs Meg

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Thanks Junebug!

My T and I talked about distractions today. Even wrote up a list of them. All I want to do is curl up in a ball under my covers and let the world pass me by. Since I can't....I have to find a way to get through this. Distractions take energy I don't have. Well, in my mind they do because I am thinking way too big. I am becoming less and less willing to venture out of my refuge here and face the world. Just want to hide away and lick my wounds. My T says that is okay to take care of me and my wounds right now. She says it is really what I need to be doing. AHHH... but I need to not feel guilty for doing it. She says I am only hurting myself by trying to do everything I used to and be everything I used to and accomplish everything I used to. I just can't. I need to accept that and be okay with that. I just don't have the capacity, and frankly, I don't want to. I'm tired of it. I'm just plain tired.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Something has snapped again. I feel the darkness pulling my in and I am powerless to stop it. What caused it? I can't pin point it and it has a grip on me. Sometimes I wish the darkness would just swallow me up and it would all be over. That is not such a great place to be, but it seems to be my reality right now. God I hate this...hate being like this. How do I fight it? How do I get back some control? I don't want to be like this. Maybe that is where I start. Maybe I just need to accept this is how I feel right now. It will pass. It has to pass. But how long can I hold on. As long as it takes? God I hope so.

 

[Heather]

Oh, Ph I've been there and it's a crappy place to be. When you're in that dark place the pain is unrelenting. I'm sorry you're going through this and like you said it will pass but the waiting is the hard part.

What can you do for yourself in the meantime? It's times like this that you should take extra special care of yourself even if you don't feel like it or think you deserve it. I recently bought these candles for my apartment that smell heavenly. I light them pretty much every day:). I found this bodywash that smells sooo good and I use that in the shower. It's little things like this that I do that makes me feel good and it helps when I'm feel particularly lousy.

I hope this helps. Take care of yourself. YOU DESERVE IT.

Hugs. Heather

 

[Tessa]

Hello Pottershand, these dark places are lonely and miserable. Many of us have been there also. Let us light a candle each to light your darkness with the glow of care and mutual understanding. You are not alone. Try and rest in the palm of God's hand and feel the gentle glow of your PTSD freinds upholding you.
Hugs...

 

[OKRADLAK]

Reading your story -----you are powerful! I know, the ups and downs are so hard. Recover a bit, new trauma, etc. And then there is Life, with its illnesses and all the ins and outs that test someone without PTSD.

I just want you to know that I am rooting for you. You are SO strong. My uncle was very addicted to Oxy after a Dr gave it to him for a mild surgery and then JUST KEPT IT UP! Well, it got out of control to where he was in it deep.

He went onto Suboxone and it saved his life and sanity. Are you better with the oxy now? Hopefully that is gone from your life. That is soo hard and they are trying to find ways to make Drs more aware.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Thank you Okradlak. Yes I am completely off of the Oxy and very proud of myself to be able to say that. Don't ever want to go through that again....not ever! Thank you so much for the support...really means a lot to me and touches my heart.

Wishing you much peace!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Just suck me in an get it over with. Tired of fighting! My body aches, my head hurts, I just don't have fight in me today.

I will keep on keeping on...it is what I do....sigh....

 

[intothelight]

(((PH)))

I swear these things are just like sink holes and they can pop up anywhere. Especially when life rains on us.

Sending you sunshine and many (((hugs)))

Deb

 

[Deleted member 6617]

How the hell can I be back at this place....AGAIN!!!!! Damn it all!!!! Why do I bother fighting my way out each time only to be knocked back into the same damn spot. Changed everything in my life, but I can't change me. I am the common denominator, I am the weak one. Doesn't matter where I am, I can't escape myself. Everything is different from a year ago. Thought I was making huge progress. Then WHAM...here I am again. Only this time I have managed to get myself far away from family and my support system. Good move...(dripping with sarcasm).