The Edge Of The Abyss

[Deleted member 6617]

Well, the physciatrist laughed at me when I brought up medical maraunaja. Guess that's not an option. So he perscribed me yet another drug to try. Like I said....Lab Rat! But he seems to think it is okay for me to feel that way because everyone has to go through it to find the right meds that work for them. So because everyone has to go through it I am not suppose to dislike feeling like that? That's crap! But....I need to remember and try to believe they are trying to help me. Okay...I'll give them that.

He increased the celexa to 40mg a day. Says I shouldn't have the side affects I did when I first went on it. The explosive anxiety stuff. I hope not!

Then guess what he brought up....yep...my suicidal thoughts! OMG....let it be....I don't want to talk about it and I am sick of being threatened with hospital and manipulated into signing a contract. I told him if they thought I needed admitting....just do it and quit using it to manipulate me. EWWW....he didn't like that very much at first. Later he did admit that it was fair for me to feel that way. I did tell him I didn't like them bringing it up all the time and that by doing so they are keeping the thoughts at the front of my mind. I think I frustrate the hell out both him and my T.

Well I better go look over this contract and the suicide prevention plan. My appointment with my T is tomorrow. Of course I will do it. I need the therapy. Don't like it....but that seems to be the theme of therapy, doesn't it? Hard stuff to deal with! ~sigh~ Really would love to be held and just break down and cry right now. That little girl is crying out for that again. Always wants to be held, I can't do the holding because the adult in me feels the same unmet need. Neither of us are going to get that, but I just can't seem to get rid of the "need" for it. Stuff, stuff, stuff....go on with what's next!

 

[anni]

There are indeed. It's way too easy to guilt the bejeesis out of ourselves with things, you know? I'd have to say the benzos which tend to get so freely prescribed are absolutely, provably addictive and hellish to get off of. I don't think there's a ton of evidence on the addicitve nature of THC? Someone will probably yell at me about that but at least if it is, would not be anything like that of lorazapam. I'm not trying to talk you in to or out of anything, PH-just don't be so tough on yourself. :) Sleep versus no sleep-somewhat organically? You know your own limits and balance with this stuff but I know an 81 year old with glaucoma who so far has shown no tendency to succumb to an addiction from the medicinal properties of pot. He's also the single chillest octogenarian of my aquaintance.

I'd have to think your T would understand your take on the whole suicide contract thing. I can understand both trapped and manipulated and I don't have your background and particular issues. Actually signing something-feels terribly 'official'. Perhaps talk over the whole verbal thing and the reasoning thereof, which really should suffice since it's intent should be the same, really.Your relationship with your T is terribly personal and must work well otherwise so do not mean to intrude, but if you feel uncomfortable, not to mention trapped, then it's your call not hers.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Not sure how I am feeling about this yet, but I signed the no suicide contract and I wrote out my suicide prevention plan at around 2 o'clock this morning. (Needless to say the "new" sleeping perscription didn't do a darn thing. Could be I was way to up on stress though too. At least they didn't make me sick.) Turned them in to my T at my appt. this morning. We had a long talk about how it made me feel manipulated and trapped to be forced into compliance. Told her it was the same feelings I got when I was tricked and taken by my will, then tied up to remove my choices or will, and forced to endure whatever was to come. I know it is not the same, I know the intent was not the same, but the FEELINGS are the same. I know feelings are not truth. I felt like I was being critisied and told my feelings were invalid because they were not truth. I am struggling to grasp the idea or the know how of letting go. Letting go of the pain, letting go of expectations of how I want things to be, letting go of the old beliefs and self loathing. I want to....I try to....I don't know how. She says one step at a time. Ok...so do I apply that one step to all the areas I am struggling with the same thing or do I apply it to one incedent and hope it catches on and I can do more later. Guess I should have asked that. So it ended up being a good conversation and she has agreed to back off on the suicide conversations as long as I appear to be moving forward.

She apologized to me for misunderstanding where I was coming from on Monday. She thought I was just being defiant and not wanting to co-operate. She says she is surprised at the complexity of my mind and multiple layers of my thought patterns when I appear so layed back. She says now she knows better and it is a learning curve to understand and trust each other. Here we had been talking about triggers on Monday, and she triggered me and I didn't know how to handle it and she didn't see it. Communicating my personal needs or thoughts is not one of my strong suits when I feel pressured to do so. Or misunderstood. But by not communicating I make it worse because of misunderstanding and false perceptions. Sheesh...can it get any more complicated in my brain. The worse thing is...I see this as a pattern in my life. Uhg...not liking that! ~SIGH~

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Why Does Victory Brings Me Down?

What the heck happened today? This morning I was doing good. I went to an appointment for work, I cleaned my house, I did laundry, and I even gave the dog a bath. I also called the court to let them know my ex's attorney and I reached an agreeement on temporary child support and I needed to know what the next step is. We had a hearing set for tomorrow morning. Of course I had to leave a message and then wait for a call back.

So...the victory is I reached an agreement for child support and his wages will be garnished once all is complete. So...I should be jumping for joy and celebrating like a crazy woman or at the very least feel happy. Nope, instead I take a nose dive into depression. After my wonderful morning, my phone started ringing. Landlord wondering when rent is coming, my ex's attorney wondering if I contacted the court, my supervisor scolding me for not reporting last night, and finally the court called with instructions and told me it will probably be a month before I see any $ by the time all the steps are complete. OMG....overload, nose dive, depression, panic, anxiety! Makes me angry that I can't seem to feel joy and excitement. Dang, I worked hard to get this child support petition moving. Lot of time and energy fighting my ex, his attorney, and the whole system that seems to be designed to make the life of the victim harder and more complicated. I am exhausted and I crashed today. Couldn't celebrate my success because the battle has taken such a tole on me. Sad thing is that it is just one of the battles I am fighting right now. I know others are in the same spot and I feel for them...it really sucks big time.

Today, yes even after signing that damn contract yesterday, I found my mind trying to convince me that it is all not worth the effort. The hopelessness settles in and I become my own worst enemy. Does it get better for longer than a few hours at a time? This is nuts that I can't find joy in the successes of today. And I did have some. I worked...gave a presentation to a group of six employees. That is a big deal for me, because the past two weeks I have had to force myself to even get out of bed, let alone stand up in front of a group of people and be professional and knowledgeable and articulate. The whole chid support success....HUGE. Where is the joy? This is so wrong!

New sleep meds are not doin a thing. Last night had a bad dream and was awake the rest the night. I really need more than 3 to 5 hours sleep a night. I know that would help. I am exhausted. But I am making steps forward.

 

[James B.]

I feel weird saying this PH. Because I'm sure you do this already.

For me, it's always been the long-haul stress filled process phases, when my self care would fall down. Not sure why. Please remember to be especially kind to your self, to love yourself. Give yourself props for all the days tasks well done. Eat robust healthy solid meals. Get those stress fighting nutrients in you. And drink tons of freaking water. :smile: The last one? I always need to remind myself. OK, sermon over. LOL.

Good luck with all this PH. Best wishes now and always. :thumbs-up

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Don't feel weird James. I actually needed the reminders, so thank you! I am my own worst carer, and since I have no other, I need to learn to do it for myself in a healthy way. All the things you said are a part of that and I need to believe I am important enough to make take care of me. Ahh...yes, even love me. Really was perfect timing for that reminder...thanks! PH

 

[James B.]

Half the time I write stuff, it's half to myself as a reminder anyway. LOL. You're welcome PH. So easy for me to get caught up in stuff. I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached, you know? Anyway you're welcome! I think you're amazing PH, I really do.

 

[LSNP]

Is there a Victim's Advocate group where you live? The local chapter here is called Seeds of Hope. Perhaps you can call them and find out where you might go in your own locale. They saved my life, shattered as it still is.... but they were the only people who truly helped me with the stalker.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Thanks LSNP,

Yes, I have been in contact with a group here. They have been a great source of information and help. I go to their group sessions about every other week and usually end up feeling worse when I do. So many hurting woman out there who repeat the same patterns over and over and end up getting hurt over and over. I do get legal aid through them and have been directed to other sources of help for my situation. Thanks for the input!

PH

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Two nights in a row I have gotten stoned out of my mind to escape the thoughts in my head. What the hell am I doing? I know it is not the answer, but damn the escape feels good. How do I get through this dark spot? Guess I am...I'm still here, but it is still so damn dark. I am so tired of the fight. Two nights in a row I have been the one there at the right time to help two seperate people past the point of suicide. What is that all about when I am wanting to do the same thing. I suppose I could look at it as by my talking them back down I was doing the same thing for myself. I am so very tired.

It really hit me hard this week that my T and the physciatrist both said I am too unstable to work. What the hell....how do I not work? How do I support myself and my daughter? OH....that's right, I am so screwed up in my head I have NOT been Able to work. One or two hours here and there doesn't do it. Checked into Social Security Disability....can't get it. I haven't paid enough into it over the last six years to qualify to receive it. My self employment statis helps with taxes, but has bit me in the butt for SSI. I really hate being told I CAN'T do something (work), makes me want to prove em wrong and do it anyway. That is how I have lived my life up to now. Problem is, I don't have it in me to prove anything right now. Where did that woman go who fought to keep her family at zero. Not ahead....just at zero. Worked my ass off to cover my ex's overdraws, late fees, over spending, and lack of money for our basic needs. Did everything and anything to earn money to keep us going. Damnit, where is that woman. Why has she deserted me now when it matters even more. Now it is for my daughter and I to live. It isn't just catching us up because of money he threw away. It is supporting us to live. God I am so tired and frustrated and feel like such a failure. Where is my fight. Why am I so unstable. I have deffinately crashed. Yeah....my T told me I am in the middle of a break down. Another piece of wonderful news. I am in the middle of a breakdown, I am too unstable to work, I can't support my daughter and I, I can't get SSI. What is the point of all this crap. My daughter could go live with her dad and they would be ok. If I was dead she would get SSI death benefit. That is something anyway. I really don't know if I can keep this up. When are things going to get better? When am I going to get better? Am I going to get better?

Gonna go hug my daughter and remind myself why I keep trying. PH

 

[LSNP]

I stopped going to group because of the other women.... they are sad and pitiful and don't help me at all. The actual VA helped me, though. She was there during the arrest, court.... it has been a nightmare. But she was always, always there. She saved my life.

 

[LSNP]

I am at the point where I question my ability to work. I can't remember, I can't think... lots of times I just sit in front of the computer screen and rock a bit, paralyzed.

I earn a lot of money - decent, anyway.... and if I didn't work, I don't know what would happen. But I feel as if I am going to lose my job soon.... because I find it so hard to function, anymore.