The Edge Of The Abyss

[James B.]

God I am a raving idiot, aren't I? PH

Not likely PH.

Good job writing it all out, again. Staying current with the tide is a good way to prevent drowning. Something wants me to write these words: personal integrity and dignity. You are stong PH, delve into the secondary layer. It's just under the surface, and embrace your own personal integrity and dignity. Like a deep pool of calm water. I know you're going to make it through this. :smile:

 

[Jawn]

Hang in there PH. James gave you good advice and I agree with him that you will make it through this.

Jawn

 

[anni]

You're wrong about being missed, PH. I didn't see any posts by you so came over to your profile to see where you were, how you were. now great, it transpires but I adored James's post. Integrity. Oh my it means so much-everything sometimes and you just have it in abundance.

For what it's worth, I do think it's a bit unfair of the psychiatrist to threaten that since it seems to allow him to wash his hands of the whole thing. Maybe it's not what's up but boy, it feels like well, in lieu of actually helping this person, she'll just ave to pull herself together, bear the pain and forget it OR she gets to lose everything. Nice. You can't even argue, or really open up to someone who is willing to unleash that kind of power over you. I'd be pissed, too, and feel somewhat manipulated.

Also for what it's worth, I know what the denial of the abuser's friends and family is like, too. You feel like you're in some Never-Never land, wwhen they begin speaking their (self-exculpatory) version of their 'loved one'. I was publically blasted at my ex's funeral, in some speech to all the 'mourners', by the best buddie's wife, on not having my daughter there, or sending flowers! Whoa, WHAT?? It will make the top of your head pop off to think about it too much, try not to. They HAVE to maintain these stupid positions, because have empowerd the abusers through their silence and deliberate ignorance. They know, all right-I hope to heck it eats at all of them, the worm of responsibility. It's deserved. I don't sit around being enraged at these people, but I unapologetically do not forgive the, either.

Please do rant, or write, or whatever. At the least do know you'd be missed, if not here. I just wish there were something more helpful in content in this for you, but only a hug.

Anni

 

[intothelight]

Hi PH,

Please do not feel alone in the ups and downs you are experiencing. We all have those times. As far as your ex's family, the is a verse from a song "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors", that I believe sums it all up.

After being in an abusive marriage for extended periods of time, the adjustment can be overwhelming. Being "on your own", after the level of control abusers impose, can feel very scary as well as liberating.

I am sorry this is such a roller coaster for you right now, but it will get better as time goes on.

Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.

ITL

 

[anni]

Rats- I meant NOT great- fingers not cooperating this morning. Good grief- sorry PH!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

After being in an abusive marriage for extended periods of time, the adjustment can be overwhelming. Being "on your own", after the level of control abusers impose, can feel very scary as well as liberating.

Oh God....I am so extremely scared and floundering around like a fish out of water. I can't even begin to explain how lost and incompetent and overwhelmed I feel. I have lost everything and am starting over with no money, no steady income, no child support, no confidence. I lost my home, lost my car, lost most my belongings, lost my identity, lost my husband, lost my dog, lost my horse, ..... I don't know how to do this! I have lost my confidence and my drive. I am so damn depressed. I have lost trust in others and myself. I am so lonely. I don't see or feel the liberation yet. All I see are the hurdles to overcome. Never ending row of hurdles and each one giving me a beating and I trip and fall over it and have to try again. There is no peace. Each small victory is met by loosing others and doesn't get me ahead. I can't keep this up and I don't know how to make it better.

God...I'm sorry. Why did I come back on here just to cry, vent, whine more. Not doing anyone any good. Not who I am or how I want to be. I don't know who I am any more. God I hope this isn't it!

 

[intothelight]

Hi PH,

I don't know who I am any more. God I hope this isn't it!

It is so difficult to start all over, and one does feel horribly lost in the beginning. Right now you are surviving and it is overwhelming to start over. Everything will get better and so will you.

Thinking of you.

ITL

 

[anni]

Oh PH, it's not whining, Good Heavens. It's just what is, in your life.

My ex. He used to scream at me ( well, one of the things ) "You're floundering! You don't know what the f you're doing! You're a f**king *sshole!' This was always, always, always, while stalking. They love underlining what we already think and feel. Hell, he made it so of course knew it. Yes, he stripped you of everything-your home, car, life-dignity. It's their job. They can't have us to strip of everything in the confines of a nice, private, abusive marraige so their job is to beat the crap out of us every other way possible. It's a pat statement, and frustrating- but our job is to once again not let them win. It feels like they already have-they wish that to be the case. The system helps them in their cause amazingly, doesn't it? Still- we've already gotten out, not let them win that way. They are alllll really, really good at their jobs, and know it, and know they have a ton of help from this stupid system we then have no choice but to turn to. Well, we just have to be better at ours than they are-any of them. Boy, that sounds like one of those dreadful, annoying as crap yay-ra-you-can-do-it speeches one hears from people who don't really mean it ( and wish you'd stop talking about it so they don't have to think about your problems anymore-I know the type). It's hard-more than hard-to keep having to draw from the seemingly bottomless pit of resolve. And it's probably not a great idea for me, from the saftey of where I am at the moment, to say this to you, where you are-it implies lack of sincereity, or I don't KNOW what you're saying and going through. Maybe it's time for me to stop avoiding myself-write things out from beginning to end-cost be dammed. It might be convoluted-inexact ( remember things in the wrong order-disremember some ) but at least it's one where I 'begin now' sitting on a chair in Pennsylvania writing this, having been THERE. It doesn't make one thing better-bring back your life, car, horse-but maybe is at least something.

I'm sorry to be so wordy when you're feeling so awful. PH-please know it's not out of wishing to hear myself talk, or some self-important ego thing. I honestly, truly think one of the things which got me through-for real- was/is this THING where he wasn't going to friggin win in the end. It's hard to describe but that's just what it felt like.

Like ITL- am thinking of you-

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Everything will get better and so will you.

I REALLY want to believe that ITL. I am really struggling with it though. I've spent 25 years taking care of kids, husband, working from home doing all kinds of odd jobs, put off my education to pay for his, no career, no job experience, ..... I am so lost! Who am I and what can I do, what will I do, how will I do it....so many questons.

They can't have us to strip of everything in the confines of a nice, private, abusive marraige so their job is to beat the crap out of us every other way possible.

OMG Anni.....that pretty much sums up my week. He is fighting paying child support. What an ass....how can he not want to take care of his kids? He has offered to pay the phone bill and car insurance instead. Yeah.....like I would trust him to pay any bills. He never did it before...why would I possibly trust him to do it now. All this after his show of affection and caring last week that I like a sucker fell for. Oh God.....when will this nightmare end? How do I move out of this and get on with my life. And what the hell does that look like anyway?

was/is this THING where he wasn't going to friggin win in the end

I don't want him to win. I don't want him to get the best of me and prove to everyone "he is right and I can't make it on my own". Those are his words. I hate those words and all they imply. I hate that I feel in the spot of them becoming reality.

So much self doubt swimming around in my head. Got to get unstuck and find a way to get out of this depression.

Thanks for all your encouraging words and keeping me in your thoughts.

PH

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear PH,

Break it into smaller parts, don't even think of his words, always keep going 'away' from the abuse- physically, mentally, emotionally- towards your new life-think of and stop to let the reality sink in of the peace, safety and infinite possibilities and rest and joy that will come. And reward yourself for every accomplishment, no matter how small, at least once every day. You will not only make it thru this but towards a life so much better.

You are in the thoughts and prayers of many.

-Hugs,
Meg

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Wow Junebug...that just brought tears to my eyes. You are right on of course. Dang and I know it....the doing gets a bit stuck in the past habits and behaviors though. My T gets so frustrated with me because I tend to take on too much at once, or want to go from "A" to "Z" and skip all the stuff in between. Guess those smaller parts are important too. "Moving away from the abuse"....how does one do that? Is that an ignorant question? I really don't know the answer, or maybe I don't realize I know the answer, or I don't like the answer. Hmmm.....okay....that was just second guessing myself. Let me start over...How does one move away emotionally and mentally. Got the physically one down, I left him.

I was excited, when I first left, of the infinate possiblilities. I was game for a new life and pursueing my dreams and making something out of the nothing he left me. UHG....what happened to that person. I want her back. She was ready and willing to face anything in her path. Been beaten down so many times I am finding it harder and harder to get up and keep going. But I have to....I want to....I need to. I do have dreams and hopes and infinate possibilities. So what if I don't know what they are at the moment. OH.....small steps....one piece at a time....See how easy it is for me to get carried away. It overwhelms me and freezes me in my tracks. Need to avoid that.

Rest and joy....oh how I crave those. I so very much do...I long for them. I miss them. They are out there aren't they? I can strive to find them again.

LOL....rewarding myself....that is sooo hard. It is my assignment from my T and I have not been doing it very well. Better start doing it again. Maybe set the alarm on my phone like I do for my meds. Remind myself to reward myself....oh boy, that is kinda sad. But maybe that is the way to make it a habit is by doing it consistantly. Then maybe, eventually, I will begin to believe I deserve it. One can hope for those better days ahead!

Thanks Meg.....you really got me thinking. This is good. I really needed to hear those things! You were in the right place at the right time and with the right words, and boy am I thankful! I am also very much thankful for all the thoughts and prayers and best wishes of so many! Okay....tears have now turned into full blown crying out of gratitude and feeling humbled and blessed. Got to go get kleenex....Thanks again!

PH

 

[anni]

There are SO many things one reads here which make you just feel BETTER, and some of those are so lovely or profound or both one wishes to keep them around for awhile ( like forever ). I have a little copy/paste file, sans names of course, in my documents. Junebug, that was so all-around GOOD. It's going in my copy/paste little collection. Not only was it wonderful to hear it said for PH, but I've been out 20 years and it still gave me a great deal of peace-thank you!

SO lovely to know it gave you an awful lot of comfort, so will shush. :)